I just want to die...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by whativebecome, Nov 14, 2010.

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  1. whativebecome

    whativebecome New Member

    This isn't my first time here... I think I posted on here a few years ago under a different username after I was raped at my friend's college during a party.

    I think I've wanted to die ever since then. And before.

    In the past few years I've stayed in school. One of the women that works in the housing office at my college helped me through the initial feelings of what had happened to me. I took the assault as a sign that I needed to change my whole life. I can't stay the same person. That person isn't worth anything. I've had that mentality my entire life. When something bad happens, I make a major change. So I kept getting involved in things at school, to a point where now I don't even have time to breathe. And I keep thinking that that is the point, I don't want time to breathe. I don't want time to think. And I've stressed myself out enough that I'm back to old habits. I've cut maybe 8 times in the past few weeks. It doesn't seem like a lot, but considering that I went 2 years without needing to do that, it is a lot to me. It started when I noticed that I had been getting really anxious. I couldn't eat or sleep. I had a panic attack when I needed to help one of my residents (I'm a resident assistant) through a sexual assault. I helped her, but immediately after she left, I threw up and couldn't breathe. I went to see a counselor in fear that I would be fired for my incompetence. She recommended maybe starting an anxiety medication and sent me to the psychiatrist. He prescribed prozac. After 3 weeks on prozac, I started feeling really agitated, angry and suicidal. That's when I started cutting. I broke a mirror with my fist and used a piece to cut my leg. I did this a few nights in a row before I decided I needed to stop the prozac. After two days, I broke down crying and couldn't go to my classes. I went to see the counselor again and I told her that I had wanted to cut, but that I didn't. She said "well at least you didn't. It would be different if you had." That scared me. What would be different? Would I lose my job? What would I do? I can't go back to her now. I've been avoiding her since.

    I've thought about wanting to die. When the time came to apply to my school program, I didn't apply and I missed the deadline. I told everyone that I just wasn't ready and that I wanted to switch majors. What I really wanted them to know was that I was planning to kill myself. One night I held thexxxx and pressed. Then I got scared. I took some chords from my high school graduation that I had hanging in my closet and xxxxx. I pulled as hard as I could. I turned purple and had marks around my neck. I tried twice before I just couldn't take not breathing. I decided to cut instead. My best friend could sense I was in trouble I think because he soon after asked me to go to IHOP. I went with him but I refused to eat. I talked about dropping out a little bit. He could tell I was depressed and he was afraid I was going to run away.

    I let the scars heal a little bit. And I thought I was doing a little better. But I have been avoiding most of my classes for a while. I did some organization work I had been slacking on. Which made me feel a little bit more on top of things. But it isn't enough. The women that helped me through the assault 2 years ago is now one of my bosses. She and I have a class at the same time and we go there together. I want to tell her what's been going on. She's the only one I trust. But I can't tell her because she is my boss now and if I lose my job then I might lose everything!

    My mother, formerly abusive, is now agoraphobic and stays inside her apartment. She is going on permanent disability and she asks me sometimes if I would mind if she killed herself. Truth: after what she has done to me, I wouldn't mind. But at the same time, I would blame myself every day and I would never forgive myself. But I think my sense of forgiveness is a little bit skewed. If anyone needs forgiveness, its her. How do you forgive the woman that threw you in the bathtub at 16 and made you wash yourself naked in front of her because you were "to dirty?" The problem is, since she had a breakdown after I cut her off last year, she doesn't remember anything. And now I pay her bills. The counseling center called it "protecting my abuser." I call it "fucking insane."

    Meanwhile, I tried to catch back up with my father and his new family. I hadn't seen them in 8 years or so. I spent the entire summer with them. He drove me back here before school started and then he flew home. He hasn't tried to speak to me since. This was 3 months ago. His dad (my grandfather) almost died. I found out on facebook while I was in training. I wasted my time trying to fix something A) I didn't want fixed and B) I knew couldn't be fixed.

    No one else in my family on either side has spoken to me either.

    I don't have anything to fall back on if I can't stay in school or if I lose my job. Nothing. And the problem is, I don't know if I can handle keeping up. I feel like I'm about to lose everything. And I would rather be dead than end up losing everything.

    I carved the word "Help" into my leg not so long ago. I don't really know if I meant it. The only way I want help is if it won't screw up my future. And that seems unlikely if I go to anyone for help. I wish someone would kill me, or that I would die in some freak accident. I think about falling down stairs on purpose or walking in front of a car. I'm too scared that if I kill myself than everyone will hate me forever for it. What no one realizes is, this isn't about them. I've wanted to die for almost 4 years.

    I guess I am looking for a miracle. The only thing keeping me alive now is college. I only have a year and a half left. I made a decision to cut again, and I have an understanding with myself that as long as no one knows, it will be ok. And as much as I don't want help because I'm worried it will ruin my life, I just wish sometimes that someone would find out.

    Sorry for the rambling. I'm skipping from one thing to another like crazy, but that's the way my mind has worked lately.

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2010
  2. liz

    liz New Member

    You need to go talk to your best friend and tell him what's going on. And then find a counselor outside of your school. Your boss doesn't need to know about it.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling this way...also talk to the pdoc that rx the prozac and tell him/her of your reaction...there are so many medications that can be used...please continue to tell us what is going on for you and know there are many ppl here who can relate...J
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No if you go for help it will secure your future in that you will become stable.
    No one needs to know and all your medical records are confidential.
    Psychologist private ones are best way to go as well they are not conected to anyone else.

    Get help so your future becomes less painful okay get help for you now it will be the best thing you ever did.
  5. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    as liz said, talk to your best friend...he seems to already be somewhat aware of the situation, and is sticking by your side...and he seems like a confidential person for you to talk to...

    and talk to us...we're here to listen...

    hang in there...
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