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I just want to die.

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I've been contemplating suicide for... several months. I have determined, aside from biological nuisances, that what is primarily holding me back are my two children.

But I am miserable, and my unhappiness doesn't benefit them. I think they may be better off without me, too. I don't know what to do, how to change --- nothing seems to help. I'm not strong. I don't have an intricate support system, and I have been unemployed for over a year --- little money. Their father could take care of my children, so I have that knowledge as a consolation.

But I don't know how it would really impact them.

I just wish I could be better, and I've tried for so long, I've really given my all over the years, and it's just not enough. It just isn't. I have sought professional help twice, and each time both therapists informed me that I was overwhelming and though they offered me techniques and things to de-stress, to build up confidence and relax... they just, well, they haven't helped me.

I can't afford any other mental care. No one really cares about me anyway. I don't know what makes someone want to reach out and help damaged people like me, but here's to the last bit of hope for it that I have left.

there's just too much pain, all the time, or there's too much emptiness, like i detach to cope, and there's no point. How does someone, when they reach this dark depth, ever get back out?


Staff Alumni
Hi and welcome: I just wrote a response to another thread similar to this one, and I promise you I have been where I am presuming you are (not to objectify what you are going through) and I never thought I would make it and I still not sure I have, but I held on tight, and cried out loud, where ever anyone would hear me (and I still do) and somehow, one day lead to another...with heartfelt understanding, welcome again, J
Hi (J?)

Thanks for your response...

and I'm sorry you know what it's like at all.

It's extremely uncharacteristic of me to seek help in this way. It's probably part of the reason why I've become so obsessed with romanticizing death though... built-up passive madness. Maybe it'll get better, maybe it won't, I don't know.

It's a little soothing knowing that others still struggle on. I still don't know how... lol...
it's really hard to find the right therapist, i had a few false starts until i met the angel i see now (and i've been with her 18 months now). please don't give up just yet. interview some more therapists, there has to be one out there that is perfect for you, you just haven't found her yet.

i've felt desperately suicidal in my time (even attempted three times), but am so glad to be out the other side. it is possible to get through these feelings and begin to heal. it's not easy, but it is possible. i want that for you. i sincerely believe that it can happen.

in the meantime keep posting here. you will find many people who can relate to what you are going through. we want to listen, support and help as best we can. welcome.


Active Member
Hi FeralDescent. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. The fact of the matter is that many of us know what it feels like, and we also know that it is entirely possible (and I would even say probable) to make it through. Personally, I have gone from exactly where you are to being successful in what I want to do. It was a long and difficult road, but I'm very happy that I have been through it.

As far as therapists go, the relationship that you have with your therapist will be the absolute most important thing in treatment. You need to find someone you can trust and enjoy talking with. I agree with seeking out different professionals until a match is found, but be direct and straightforward with them. Let them know if you don't feel a connection, let them know that you are looking for what is right for you. Believe me, therapists appreciate this, do not take it personally, and can then help you the best.

I know that there are times when you feel that your children would be better off without you. Let me assure you though that it wouldn't be the case. I have worked with many children who have lost a parent to suicide, and the difficulty, abandonment feelings, and emotional overwhelm gets to them. Suicide can become an epidemic - the risk is much higher for a person who had someone in their family that they lost to suicide. Your children don't need someone to take care of them, they need you. No matter how bad you feel, your children don't feel that way about you.

All the best, and know that we are here to support you in anything you need.
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