I just want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ananathla97, Mar 3, 2012.

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  1. ananathla97

    ananathla97 Member

    I honestly can barely type, I'm hysterical. My fiance went apeshit on me, because I asked a guy friend that I used to speak with, about how much carpet cleaning costs because I planned on doing it for the house we live in... and he went through my phone as always... was screaming that if I ask him about carpet cleaning then it leads to flirting, then I'll end up sleeping with the guy etc. And he started calling me names, screaming, stormed out of the house and told me if I dropped dead he wouldn't care. And he turned his phone off and disappeared... Which if I did that, he would go insane on me... I have no way out of this situation.... I honestly want to die. I can't feel this way. I'm stuck in the middle of a masters program, and if I fuck it up, I'll be in 60 thousand dollars of debt from school. Then I really will fucking kill myself... Honestly there's no point in me living... to die would be easier... No worrying about failing out, no being told what a horrible person I am, no family members treating me badly.
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    It sure sounds to me like your fiancé is blowing things way out of proportion here, and acting, if I may say somewhat immature over the matter. If what you say is true....that your communication with an old fried was completely innocent and honest, then I'd say you don't have anything to worry about (with regards you doing something to sabotage the relationship). And if that's the case, then it's his problem for storming all out of control and throwing a tantrum. Give him some time to calm down and if he continues to be irrational, then I guess that's his own fault. Don't let it become so distressing that it wrecks your graduate program; keep it from bleeding into that unnecessarily. Time should help if he's a good guy and reasonable, I think he just got a bit overly emotional, but that's simply my take. I hope it turns out well!
  3. ananathla97

    ananathla97 Member

    It isn't just this, it is the whole situation, I am not allowed to speak to guys, not allowed to see friends without him being there. Everyday he tells me I am a cheater, and that I like other people. And I am literally under his watch all the time... I rarely leave the house... because I am afraid of him accusing me... I am rotting inside. Even if I got the strength to leave, my family doesn't help financially, and doesn't care. Nowhere to go, can't afford car insurance, can't afford a place to live... I can't face that, I am weak. I just wanted a loving family to have...... and it'll never happen. I feel all the signs are there. If life is so hard and impossible then its not meant to be... My profession is to save lives, and I can't even save my own.
  4. A1231988

    A1231988 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like he is in desperate need of some help himself. He is obviously extremely paranoid and insecure. What do you think he would say if you brought up the idea of couples counseling?
  5. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    It sure seems like everything is snowballing together into one massive mess--& I have to ask, is there one thing in particular that's causing it? The root of the problem, so to speak? For example, if this issue was addressed might it not make the others more manageable? If you have no history of being unfaithful with your boyfriend then I don't understand his possessiveness, other than to say it's on him, and not you. So don't blame yourself even though it's incredibly distressing to be in the situation. If you have to, look into rooming with some classmates from graduate school, take the bus, and wait to start your own family that will be what you want it to be: that is loving. If you can, maybe focus a little bit less on what can go wrong, and a little more on what can go right. You do have the power to choose! Even if you don't think so... Good Luck!
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2012
  6. ananathla97

    ananathla97 Member

    I never cheated on him... I used to have guy friends, maybe some liked me, but there was never anything mutual back, and that bothered ted, so I stopped talking to all of them. And it hurt me because I felt mean, and I felt like i was betraying people and they also said mean things to me when I stopped talking to them, that I was an idiot to listen to him... When we broke up last november and I took the ring off, people at my school spread rumors about me... and guys hit on me, but I didn't feed into them... I can't just move on... I was suicidal back then too. So there were rumors going around, and he heard them and believed them, so I suffer for that too. He punishes me for them. And says even if they arent true that I was too nice and that will make people think I am a slut etc. So I isolate myself in class, in a corner, and am like a scared mouse, I speak to nobody... cuz if I speak to someone then I am afraid he will hear it and think I'm doing something wrong. I was crying in class today, and I feel so weak, I came home and cut my legs up.... because I have no other way of coping... I've lost my mind, and he turned his phone off and disappeared, I have no idea where he is. Its another one of his ways to punish me.
  7. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Excuse me for the honesty, but this guy sounds like a master manipulator. Look what he's got you doing--you're oppressing yourself in every social way possible. And let me ask you this: how's that working out for you? Only you can decide who is and who is not husband material, but all I'm telling you is that from my point of view, you seem extremely unhappy! Again, if you've done nothing wrong and are completely innocent in your past friendships, then it is not your fault. Rumors are rumors, if he can't trust you, what does that say about the strength of the bond between the two of you? And you know what, I don't blame your old friends for getting offended when you gut them out of your life for no explainable reason. I'd do the same! Wouldn't you? Whatever it is that is going on, it's definitely taking its toll on you (breaking down in class and hurting yourself as a coping mechanism). I really think that you need to talk to somebody you can trust to help you decide what's best moving forward here. Because it doesn't sound like what you've been doing has worked out so far. Best In All You Do

    P.S. I hope I don't sound angry or nasty, for that is not my intent, I only wanted to tell you what I'd like to think you'd tell me in a similar situation!
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    He sounds like a control freak and needs to address his own issues and not put them onto you.
    please be very aware of what he's doing to you.

    Is there a school councelor that you can maybe talk to?..
    you have every right to do as you please with your life and not have him controlling your every move. :hug:
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