I just want to do it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AfraidofMyself, May 21, 2007.

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  1. I can't help but think about it today.
    I am so disappointed in myself for continuing to back out of it.
    Everything is planned--everything is set up...why can't I just do it now?
    I missed my original date and it seems like I need a SPECIAL day to do it on. Some sort of planned out thing.

    I'm really rather upset today.
    I didn't have work very long. I came home, wanting to lay down and take a nap. My mother, who abandoned us a year ago, showed up and was wanting to talk with me. Turns out my uncle had passed away. My uncle was a great man and it really bothers me that he isn't here now.
    So, I inquired about when this happened and she said yesterday morning! I felt like crap I didn't know until over a day later. She said that the services are tomorrow if I wanted to go--but I can't! I didn't have any time in advance to let my work know I needed a day off. I feel terrible for this. I keep seeing him in the hospital, hooked up to all those breathing machines...he had tears in his eyes when I saw him...he was so cold to the touch...that was probably 4 weeks ago. He was miserable and I know he was. He kept shaking his head "no" when I told him he had put up a good fight against cancer and he had been a very good man...and that soon everything would be better for him. I couldn't help but leave his room in tears. He just kept shaking his head no...
    It's what I'll always remember.

    Then I come in and tell my dad that my uncle had passed. My dad goes on about talking about family and then he informs me that we're being kicked out. The house I live in is my aunt's (who is filthy rich) and she offered us to stay here forever if we'd like since my father is on a fixed income and all. Recently she's become very cold-hearted against my father (because she was on my mother's side wanting the kids to go to her and not her own brother!!! especially when my mother is on drugs so terribly). She told my dad a few nights ago that we needed to find a place to move into and that we are no longer welcome to stay here. What's so bad is my dad is on a fixed income and I'm only paid min. wage so it's almost impossible to find a place to stay at the moment. It'll take us months to find something big enough for us anyway!
    It's messed up everything with me.
    I'd rather not move at the moment because it's going to stir some things up for me and make things a lot more difficult for me.
    I feel like such a burden. I am a huge burden.

    I feel like nobody appreciates me when I try my best to show everyone how I appreciate them. I'm not even sure if my father really loves me or if he's just afraid of being alone. I mean, my mother doesn't love me, obviously, since she ran away without notice and didn't care how it'd affect me and the rest of the family. My aunts and uncles obviously don't love me because they couldn't care less if we had to live on the streets now.
    :dunno: I just...don't know if I should...
    I need to set a date out again...then I can do it and up until then I'll feel a lot more at ease like before.

    I really thought things might be turning around up until now. My boyfriend had broken up with me but I met a really great person here that had become a good friend of mine. I felt a little easier on the subject of being dumped--I had a good friend to lean on. I finally got myself a job that is alright. I finally officially graduated from the college. But now I'm lost. I'm just wasting everyone's time, I do believe...
  2. :hug::hug::hug:
  3. Thank you very much.

    Things just got worse.
    I really cannot handle this.
  4. You are welcome. :hug:
  5. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    You just graduated from college, eh? Seems like an awful waste of all that effort if you just kill yourself now.
  6. I agree with you, silent_enigma. <mod edit Robin - Offtopic and not supportive of the OP>
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2007
  7. thething912

    thething912 Well-Known Member

    Don't be disappointed in yourself that only makes it worse.
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