I just want to end it... =(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by brokenandlonely, Jul 28, 2008.

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  1. brokenandlonely

    brokenandlonely Well-Known Member

    I hate this feeling of feeling so down and depressed... feeling that I'm unloved and unwanted while having to fight the urges and thoughts that seem to be an ongoing thing. I have been "labeled" with having depression, ADD, traits of OCD and also abandonment issues... I feel that I need constant reassurance from close people in my life and loved ones with hugs and I love you's or else I feel that I am unwanted, unloved and basically not needed. I feel as I am a burden to everyone and that they'll all be better without me. The people that love me might hurt but will get over it. I don't know what to do, I just want this pain to stop..
     
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling low Harry.
    I enjoy talking with you and am always here if you are feeling lonely or unloved.
    :hug:
     
  3. white

    white Well-Known Member

    Im hear too. if you ever want to talk IM me, mustangaw1259
     
  4. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Curious.....


    Why do you need to feel wanted and loved? What does that mean or what significance is it for you?
     
  5. white

    white Well-Known Member

    I fell that way because my parents never tell me.:huh:
     
  6. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    You have me just as curious.....

    IF they never tell you in your lifetime, why does that stop you from loving yourself?? Do you know how to love yourself? Do you even feel worthy of love?

    What if your parents don't know how to say it but have other ways of expressing it?

    IF they do say it.....will that end your feelings of loneliness,worthlessnes etc?
     
  7. brokenandlonely

    brokenandlonely Well-Known Member

    The reason I feel the need to feel wanted and loved is that it makes me feel that I am not a burden to everyone and that there is a reason for me to stick around and that I am not a waste of space. The significance that it has on me is of a reassurance and it helps me know that I am indeed cared for, loved and wanted by the people that are of significance in my life and I am not forgotten. The reassurance is constant and I honestly don't know how to get past it.
     
  8. brokenandlonely

    brokenandlonely Well-Known Member

    I don't know if this question is also one that I should be answering... but if I was never in my lifetime told that I was loved and cared for I honestly think I would stop loving myself completely and it would probably be the end of me as I would feel that nobody cares about me.. I really don't know how to love myself and sometimes I feel that I am just a burden on my loved ones and the people in my life. If I did feel the love and care I think it would help with my feeling of loneliness and worthlessness but since I don't feel it and don't hear it I think it plays a big role into why I feel this way and why I get these thoughts..
     
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you thought this thru? How is your family going to deal with the loss of you? I bet they care more than you know. Maybe you should sit down with them and let them know how you feel. I made up with my dad about a year ago. Before that I didn't say more than a few words because of my anger. It lifted a big weight off my shoulders. He told me he dosen't understand depression and anxiety, racing thoughts, mood swings and other problems on those lines. He did say that he doesn't understand but he supports me no matter what. i'm sure they care they are from old school where they grew up with a whole different set of rules. Think it over and hopefully you will sit them down for that talk!!
     
  10. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member


    Nice of you to share your experience Stranger1--it always does incredible healing to be open and honest.....


    Thelonelyone.....your honesty speaks a thousand words to all of us......many of us don't know how to love ourselves. How can your crave LOVE if you don't know what it feels like? I bet you have a innate and intuitive sense of what it feels, and looks like otherwise you wouldn't be hurting for it.

    Why do you feel like a burden? We "feel" like a burden when we are at our lowest or not being our most productive. When we lose ownership of who we are, we WANT others to pick up the pieces of our BROKENESS and fix us. During depression, we lose the ability to see our own reflection and desperately want those around us to reflect back so we can have a little hope (self love).....

    What if the people you expect LOVE from, don't know how to express it....or at least in the way YOU expect?

    What if you could allow yourself to imagine what LOVE felt like and share that with the ones that you feel don't tell you etc?

    Sometimes the mysteriousness of LIFE brings us to our higher self.....you may just be one of those people that teach others how to love and cherish it thru the many ways of communication.....

    You'd be surprised how many peopole can't even say it........

    What is LOVE to you and what does it feel like?
     
  11. brokenandlonely

    brokenandlonely Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I do agree that it is difficult to love ourselves when we taking me for example haven't really felt it growing up and until this day. When you have felt what love feels like at points in your life and no longer see and feel any of it... it's sort of craving for it and it's a need and not a wanting to be loved. The reason I feel like a burden is because with all my issues and everything I am just bringing my loved ones down with me and they are most likely hurting with me. I just feel like they would be much better off without me and having to put up with me. I'm broken and without a doubt feel to broken to be fixed. The people that I expect love from have as I mentioned showed me love at one point in my life... with feeling what love feels like from them and not feeling it now is the most painful. It just goes to show me that they have changed how they feel about me and they no longer care or love me. I can say that given the chance I would show what love feels like if I am given the opportunity to show it in return.. so very lost on what to do, think and feel like anymore.
     
  12. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Do you mind sharing what issues led to the change in you and this change in those loved ones?



    Not suprisingly, we are human......even our loved ones......the most imperfect ones,make mistakes yet we hold the highest expectations b/c, ironically, we love them and yearn for their love.

    Are you capable of loving and receiving love?

    What makes this significant, is your awareness to the situation.......some are not even aware of what they lack in their deepest needs. Depression is draining,trying and lonely b/c it forces all of us to stay close within ourselves..........exploring our inwardness. The part of our being that says "FREE ME." " This is what I need to grow,expand and flourish....."

    In the heart of depressions, lies the most simple of it all..........our need to LOVE ourselves. We are so conditioned that we need to actively be doing something to feel accomplished or happy yet sometimes doing nothing and listening to our own voice, lies the very answers we are looking for. Depression does just that.......not always easy.......

    What will LOVE do for you once you have "found" it?
     
  13. brokenandlonely

    brokenandlonely Well-Known Member

    The simplest issue that I can see if also the most complicated one. The depression, my abandonment issues have changed me... the way I think, the way I look at things and the way I act most and react towards things in everyday life. My loved ones see me as a person that has many flaws that keep me from enjoying my life and also keeping them from enjoying theirs. I am fully capable I think in my opinion of receiving love and also returning the love that I have received. Altough, it might take me a while in order to do so. Depression and my thoughts and urges that I get is somewhere along the lines of being graphic. For example it will usually be something like "Nobody loves you so take *edited method* and do it... they won't even notice that you are gone because they don't love or care for you anyways." Once I have found love, I think it will make me slowly be a great change. I will be a happier person, will feel that I have achieved something when I have completed something good or have done a great task well.. I will feel wanted instead of just ignored and put off to the side as a nobody. I don't really have any friends as I have social anxiety and can't be in big crowds. I don't go out much, so if I'm not at work... I'm usually alone at home... on the computer, watching movies or listening to music.. wasting my life away.
     
  14. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    What do you mean by abondment issues....a parent that parted?

    Why can you not love yourself without the validation of others?

    Why do you want to be happy and feel you have achieved something once you find love?

    Sounds like a vicious cycle.....to fearful to go out, so you stay home yet the isolation, keeps you in that feeling of loneliness. what is the worst that will happen if you go out?

    Do you not believe that LOVE is evolves from within us? Like a source of light that is shielded by a cloud of grayness......once it is unveiled....it shines brighter and brighter....

    You know, I was thinking of you today and this beautiful song reminded me of you.......it's by Corrine May called "Scars" if you get a chance, google her and listen to the song.....here are the lyrics---puts me to tears everytime.


    "Scars" by Corrine May
    -------
    I just want to run
    Just want to hide away
    Close my eyes to your gaze
    Just want to leave
    Don't want to hear them say
    "You're no good at this"

    When the world swirls with naysayers
    Broken wings and torn pages
    The road ahead
    Drowning in my tears

    Break me open
    Tear me down
    Into pieces
    Broken crumbs
    On the ground
    You can mould and shape me
    In your image
    Breathe your life
    You know I need it
    Scars make us stronger for life

    Losing myself
    Gaining it back again
    Forging strength from weakness
    All that I am
    All that I'm meant to be
    Melting in your hand

    Let the world swirl with naysayers
    Pickled hearts and sour faces
    What is real is what I cannot see

    Break me open
    Tear me down
    Into pieces
    Broken crumbs
    On the ground
    You can mould and shape me
    In your image
    Breathe your life
    You know I need it
    Scars make us stronger for life

    Cut away
    All within me
    That won't bear fruit
    Cut away
    All within me

    Cut away
    All within me
    That won't bear fruit
    Cut away
    All within me

    Break me open
    Tear me down
    Into pieces
    Broken crumbs
    On the ground
    You can mould and shape me
    In your image
    Breathe your life
    You know I need it
    Scars make us stronger

    Scars make us stronger for life
     
  15. brokenandlonely

    brokenandlonely Well-Known Member

    Abandonment issues in my situation is the fear of being left or abandoned and forgotten about. I need constant reassurance that I am loved, cared for and wanted. It's not that I was abandoned by a parent but it's the fear that I would be by a loved one. I usually on a regular basis need to hear that I'm loved, cared for and needed or else I would feel down and out. Hope I explained it correctly and made it much more clear. Without the love and reassurance I feel low and depressed knowing that nobody cares for me and at that point it's really hard for me to love myself. With the encouragement of others and the notice and attention that I will receive for whatever I have accomplished, in turn I think it would help me feel happier and at least noticed. I usually don't go out and when I do I get anxiety attacks and I don't feel good... it's the constant "when are we going to go back home." For example, I went out on a Sunday afternoon with family to a place and it was packed full of people, I felt my anxiety immediately go up and I couldn't stay put one place and had to go home as soon as possible. I do believe that love does evolve or at least start by us loving ourselves... but I have a hard time as explained above just doing so. Thank you for the thoughts and the lyrics that you have posted up. It's a nice song and the lyrics are meaningful quite a bit.
     
  16. S.A.D.

    S.A.D. Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you are feeling this way :hug:
     
  17. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Harry! :hug:
    I hope your feeling better now. I really enjoy talking to u, youv been a great friend. Your my nirvana buddy xD
    I'm always here for you. If you need to talk im me on msn kayy.
    Take care :hug:
     
  18. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    my dear harry

    a great friend to me when i fel sad lonely abandoned or any other


    i cant change the feelings u have hun when these dark days hit but be assured ill always be there when u do if u need me , and to remind u how sweet kind and special u are

    love and care

    jo xx
     
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