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I just want to feel normal again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jess1991jzm, May 18, 2015.

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  1. Jess1991jzm

    Jess1991jzm New Member

    Hi everyone I'm new here and thought I'd share my story.
    My mother passed away from cancer nearly 4 years ago at the age of 42 I was only 20 years old when she died.
    Only in the last 8-9 months I've admitted to myself that I'm majorly depressed, I kept telling myself it was a 'phase' and that the 'phase' would pass only it hasn't it's just got way worse! The things that I used to like doing seem like a distant memory these days, I just feel empty and numb I wish sometimes that I was the person that had the occasional down day instead I am the person that has the occasional up day :( and even when I do get an 'up day' I'm constantly on edge just waiting to come crashing back down again and it never takes long!
    I'm going to see a councillor on the 10th of June and I know I need to be open and honest when I'm there but how do I tell someone that suicide is on my mind most of the time, I think about it several times a day but the worst part is that I've got 3 children and a fiancé who I've been with for over 9 years I'm so scared to tell them because the last thing I want is social services getting involved. I know I'm a good mother even when I'm at my lowest point I'm there with my children it's not like I hide away waiting for the dark phase to pass I still tend to every one of my kids needs, although I think about suicide a lot I know I'm not at the stage where I will go ahead and do it but realising that my depression is getting worse makes me scared thinking that I might wake up tomorrow or sometime soon and I just won't be able to take anymore.
    I just don't know where to go from here I just don't see it getting any better.
    I've only recently told my fiancé about how I feel and although he's there for me I know that he doesn't understand and what's worse is that I'm so horrible to him sometimes even when I know that I'm doing it I just can't stop. Only this morning I told him that we should end things because I'm fed up of hurting him all the time! I know I should feel lucky to have someone like him standing by me and helping me and taking all the verbal abuse that I throw at him and he still tells me he's going to be here for me and that he loves me but sometimes I feel completely nothing... Just empty, numb and lost.... I just want to be normal again.
  2. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    Hi Jess, I don't want to talk for your mother but I'd wager that she would want you to be happy and wouldn't want you to mourn for her in sadness for a single second. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of anxiety maybe brought about by the loss of your parent? People say that it's a very traumatic time in your life because that person who always watched over you is gone now (I haven't gone through it myself yet). I had a massive amount of anxiety myself and found that suicidal thinking was (and still is) a way to cope with a future and a past that I couldn't face. But you can never face the projections of the mind into the past and the future because you are impotent in that place but you can dissociate from them and come to live more in the present and appreciate the beauty that is around you - everything is ok, you are ok, try not to worry about the future because whatever happens, you will be able to cope with it in that moment.
  3. howardTX

    howardTX Active Member

    I know where you are coming from. I have the same kind of feelings you do and going to a counselor did help for the most part. I wish I had a supportive spouse though. I just don't think she understands at all (which I don't fault her but wish she would try a little harder). I have 2 kids and while I hear that ending things would be awful for them... I also have thoughts that they would be better off. I hear people have those thoughts quite a bit. I think talking to a counselor, telling them EVERYTHING (I mean... at this point they have heard it all, right??). I would NOT say that I feel suicidal right then (even if you do) because I don't know the laws where you are but they might be required to call 911 right then. I just told might that I had the thoughts... just not right then, then kind of took mental notes. I really hope that your appointment goes well and if the person you go to does not feel right for you, you might give it another time but find someone who you DO feel comfortable with. I was lucky in finding one first try (although I really need to go for another appointment). Sometimes I leave feeling pretty good but there are other times I kind of feel worse... not sure why but it is always good for me to take some notes when I go because that sad, depressed part of my brain can keep me from remembering good stuff. Take care!!
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Everyone reacts to grief differently. Have you seeked out loss support groups in your area. Sometimes talking about it helps. Was your mom was one of your anchors in your life? Your just being a human being thats hurting. Suicide is one of ways people cope with the pain. Talking to professionals can help.
  5. imars27

    imars27 Member

    Things will get better for u.Don't worry.u are good mom.i will pray for u.
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