Hi everyone I'm new here and thought I'd share my story. My mother passed away from cancer nearly 4 years ago at the age of 42 I was only 20 years old when she died. Only in the last 8-9 months I've admitted to myself that I'm majorly depressed, I kept telling myself it was a 'phase' and that the 'phase' would pass only it hasn't it's just got way worse! The things that I used to like doing seem like a distant memory these days, I just feel empty and numb I wish sometimes that I was the person that had the occasional down day instead I am the person that has the occasional up day and even when I do get an 'up day' I'm constantly on edge just waiting to come crashing back down again and it never takes long! I'm going to see a councillor on the 10th of June and I know I need to be open and honest when I'm there but how do I tell someone that suicide is on my mind most of the time, I think about it several times a day but the worst part is that I've got 3 children and a fiancé who I've been with for over 9 years I'm so scared to tell them because the last thing I want is social services getting involved. I know I'm a good mother even when I'm at my lowest point I'm there with my children it's not like I hide away waiting for the dark phase to pass I still tend to every one of my kids needs, although I think about suicide a lot I know I'm not at the stage where I will go ahead and do it but realising that my depression is getting worse makes me scared thinking that I might wake up tomorrow or sometime soon and I just won't be able to take anymore. I just don't know where to go from here I just don't see it getting any better. I've only recently told my fiancé about how I feel and although he's there for me I know that he doesn't understand and what's worse is that I'm so horrible to him sometimes even when I know that I'm doing it I just can't stop. Only this morning I told him that we should end things because I'm fed up of hurting him all the time! I know I should feel lucky to have someone like him standing by me and helping me and taking all the verbal abuse that I throw at him and he still tells me he's going to be here for me and that he loves me but sometimes I feel completely nothing... Just empty, numb and lost.... I just want to be normal again.