I just want to finally have the courage to do it!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NothingThereAllAlong, Jan 3, 2013.

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  1. NothingThereAllAlong

    NothingThereAllAlong Active Member

    I have been on this forum a while (a member), but I don’t always post…

    I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately…

    I have been ill for the past year with medical problems and have been in and out of the hospital. I gained a bunch of weight from feeding tubes/medical problems and I can’t seem to lose it. I have determined that there is no way to lose it right now with the problems in which I have; no regular methods are working…

    I don’t have a job or any money. I can’t work now due to my illness.

    I am living alone with my cat. I reach out to anyone and everyone for friendship and love. I get turned down or treated poorly.

    I have gotten used sooo bad without even knowing it. I have gotten used in ways that would completely blow a person’s mind.

    I know how to overdose and make it look like I died from a medical problem. I was accidentally overdosed at the hospital. Thus, I know for sure what to do and what to take.

    I don’t have any real friends and my family basically doesn’t even exist. I wouldn’t be found until my rent wasn’t paid…

    Nobody would care enough to perform an autopsy… Also, they would probably think that it was from my medical problem. I live in a small little town. Thus, they don’t investigate anything…

    It just seems to unfair to go on. I’m so tired of being alone. I’m so tired of giving my all and being turned down, used or treated poorly.

    I’m so tired of being home alone all of the time… As I said, I am pretty much forced to because I can’t find any real friends and my family life is terrible…

    I can go somewhere, but not for long (I don’t have a car right now, but can take the bus). I have no money to spend, but money would not make a difference in this situation any way…

    I don’t even bother taking a shower/bath. I just leave my pajamas on as dirty as they are… I don’t care about myself… I only “transform” myself into a normal person when I am forced to go out into society. I walk around the apartment building I live in dressed in dirty clothes and being completely dirty… I don’t care. This has been going on for the past eight years or so…

    I fake so badly on FB and such that I’m OK. Nobody would ever suspect this…

    I cry all of the time about it (my entire life the trauma/the pain), and I just want to finally have the courage to do it!
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun i will be your friend here hun I will talk to you Please hun have the courage to reach out to your doctor and get some supports in place ok, Get community care in to come visit you take you out for social coffee or what ever hun don't give up hun Pm me any time ok im here hugs
     
  3. NothingThereAllAlong

    NothingThereAllAlong Active Member

    I had another really bad day. Someone in my apartment stole my laundry (including an expensive comforter). I cleaned all day…

    I have no friends here or family… I never will because everyone I reach out to has better things to do, ignores me, or treats me poorly.

    I do have the perfect combo to kill myself though. :-D I won’t mention what, but it will for sure work, and pretty painless too… I’ll know that I am dying, but after that no pain…

    I just don’t know what to do. The only thing left is to find a home for my cat. She is a pretty decent cat and would be good with a small child or a child. She is the only thing that I would miss here on earth.

    It is night time. I don’t really want there to be a tomorrow.

    I hope that I can do it tonight or tomorrow morning… I am one who has to plan very well…

    There are far more pros then cons to it!
     
  4. NothingThereAllAlong

    NothingThereAllAlong Active Member

    Oh my goodness. I have been having the worst luck lately…

    During my last visit to the hospital (ICU), I wasn’t able to have any of my psych meds because I had a tube sucking out my stomach. It is gross, but it went from my nose into my stomach to suck out the fecal matter (shit) from where it was stuck.

    My doctor got this magical idea to take me off of all of my psych medications. The first time I saw him (new doctor; I had to switch insurances because I’m not working right now due to my illness). This time he said, “you did fine in the ICU without them.” He cold took me off about three of them cold turkey, and cut the doses of the others by a third.

    I am losing the plot (more and more each day)…

    I am home all of the time. I can get the bus sometimes, but there’s not many places to go in my town. I’m alone. I don’t have any real friends and get used to death. I have thought about taking my life more, and more… The only thing keeping me here is my cat…

    I can’t find any real friends. I get used and lost. It’s ridiculous…

    Yesterday, someone stole my expensive comforter out of the laundry room at my apartment building and threw the rest of my laundry onto the floor. They took up all of my dryer money.

    Then, today I was washing my dishes (I don’t live in the best apartment; it’s a bit run down; but I try to keep it clean and do things to fix it even though that’s not something I should have to do)… I felt my slippers wet. I looked and water was just pouring out from under my sink. Then, all of the sudden the pipe fell off, and it flooded my kitchen (which is not big; you can basically stand in it; that’s it) and my living room (this is a very small apartment).

    I called the emergency number for my apartment and the lady blamed me for it!!!!
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you're having such a rough go right now. That's terrible that someone would steal from your laundry. I'd be very angry! The plumbing problem is not your fault. What a shame the landlady blamed you! I bet she does it to everyone - try not to take it too personally.

    I for one hope that you stay around here. Let us know how things are going. Stay safe...

    PS: Your avatar is super cute!
     
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I don't know what your medical condition is, but could you ask at the hospital if they have support groups for people with your condition, or similar conditions? A support group made up of peers would be a good start to finding people to relate to and possibly establish friendships.

    Many years ago I lived in an apartment that had laundry rooms. It's good advice to take a book or magazine or something and sit with your clothing while they wash and dry. Even if you were in Beverly Hills apartments, I still wouldn't trust anybody. The apartment lady (maintenance) may be in a bad mood, but it's still their responsibility to make the repair unless it was caused by malice, so just ignore her attitude.

    I hope that you get to feeling better. Take care of your cat, pets can often become our best friends.
     
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