I have been on this forum a while (a member), but I don’t always post… I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately… I have been ill for the past year with medical problems and have been in and out of the hospital. I gained a bunch of weight from feeding tubes/medical problems and I can’t seem to lose it. I have determined that there is no way to lose it right now with the problems in which I have; no regular methods are working… I don’t have a job or any money. I can’t work now due to my illness. I am living alone with my cat. I reach out to anyone and everyone for friendship and love. I get turned down or treated poorly. I have gotten used sooo bad without even knowing it. I have gotten used in ways that would completely blow a person’s mind. I know how to overdose and make it look like I died from a medical problem. I was accidentally overdosed at the hospital. Thus, I know for sure what to do and what to take. I don’t have any real friends and my family basically doesn’t even exist. I wouldn’t be found until my rent wasn’t paid… Nobody would care enough to perform an autopsy… Also, they would probably think that it was from my medical problem. I live in a small little town. Thus, they don’t investigate anything… It just seems to unfair to go on. I’m so tired of being alone. I’m so tired of giving my all and being turned down, used or treated poorly. I’m so tired of being home alone all of the time… As I said, I am pretty much forced to because I can’t find any real friends and my family life is terrible… I can go somewhere, but not for long (I don’t have a car right now, but can take the bus). I have no money to spend, but money would not make a difference in this situation any way… I don’t even bother taking a shower/bath. I just leave my pajamas on as dirty as they are… I don’t care about myself… I only “transform” myself into a normal person when I am forced to go out into society. I walk around the apartment building I live in dressed in dirty clothes and being completely dirty… I don’t care. This has been going on for the past eight years or so… I fake so badly on FB and such that I’m OK. Nobody would ever suspect this… I cry all of the time about it (my entire life the trauma/the pain), and I just want to finally have the courage to do it!