I just want to fly away..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GiveMeWings, Dec 12, 2009.

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  1. GiveMeWings

    GiveMeWings Account Closed

    It hurts all over. It's been hurting since forever. Breathing hurts.

    Yet I put on a happy face every single day. Even if it's not entirely a happy face, it's still a perfect mask I can rely on to hide my true feelings. I feel safe wearing that mask. I feel like I belong when I really don't. And I like to think that if I wear it long enough, I'll eventually start believing this is who I really am, even if it's not me. That I'll start becoming one with the person this mask represents. Because I hate the reality of who I really am. I could never embrace myself and my feelings. I don't want to.

    I never told anyone about how I really am feeling underneath the mask. I've given hints, I've had breakdowns that showed part of my true self, but everyone just walked their way out of my case as soon as they could. I only heard a couple of what they thought were encouraging words from some people, but that's just about it. And for that reason I don't aspire to let anyone else know, just because, I know they won't understand. They'll think it's a phase I'm going through, and they'll only come up with the popular words of "encouragment" anyone can come up with.

    My life doesn't look terrible. It won't seem terrible to anyone who might be interested enough in looking up what my life is like on the surface. I know my life isn't terrible. I'm not poor, I have my parents, even though they're separated and my father left the house after cheating on my mother for as long as I can remember, I've been on trips most people would be jealous of, I have a lot of nice clothes, I'm great at piano and violin, I was a good student and passed in a great university, and I have some people I guess I could consider my friends.

    It seems easy for someone to be content and happy with a life like that. I know perfectly well that there are people out there who have suffered things I haven't and who struggle everyday. That's one of the reasons why I'm ashamed of my true feelings. I do appreaciate all the good things about my life, but, there's a huge gap that's been there for as long as I can remember.

    I am severly depressed, but perfect at hiding it. This year I started a new life, a whole new world opened up to me. I moved from my house, the house I had been living in for 18 years and I went to live on my own at a beautiful place with a lot of opportunities ahead of me. I created a beautiful house full of beautiful furniture, and I'm attending a great university. I wanted to get away from my previous life. I wanted to get away from the people from that life. Especially one. I was in love with that person. He was in love with me. We felt that it would last forever. But we can't be together. We can't have a future and no matter how many times the phrase "Nothing is impossible" pops in my head, I know that it's impossible. I'm not going to mention how and why, because it'll only hurt a lot more. I ran away from that person to forget. To feel less pain. To cause him less pain. To give him a chance to start a new life without me, so I could start a new life without him. Because our dreams were impossible and the day we would face them and see that they are out of reach would hurt us both a lot more. Because I loved him, I let him go.

    I started seeing someone else to forget. I acted in such a selfish way and I'm ashamed. But nothing feels the same. And I don't want to break our relationship because I'm scared of being alone. I am so confused. He says he is in love with me. I tell him I need time. I feel cold inside. Everything reminds me of the only person I ever loved. And it breaks me apart. It makes me want to close my eyes and stop exisitng. It makes my hands feel numb, it makes me want to disappear. I'm lying to myself hoping I'll come to believe my lies.

    Really, my life is perfect on the surface. I wake up in a beautiful house, attend a great university, have made friends with a lot of people, I have a great social life, I am considered pretty and lovely, I have a really great boyfriend and I am lucky enough to be healthy. Then, why, just why do I pretend to be happy to everyone but me, why do I have to wear this mask and why can't I stop myself from crying everytime when I get home and I'm alone? Why can't I stop cutting my wrists and fantasizing about how death would bring me relief?

    Sometimes I just want everything to disappear. Or more importantly, I wish I alone could disappear. I feel like my whole life is a lie. Like everyone is pretending. I know I am, but everything in my life seems fake. And it is fake.

    I feel ashamed because I should be greatful. Other people have it so much worse. But I am miserable. I live through each day hoping it'll be my last. I hope for something to happen to me. I wish to never wake up again. And it huts to breathe. And it hurts to see that everything in my life is made up, everything is fake underneath. I'm just living a life designed by who I wish I was that's drowning me, and I can't go back because it's all gone, already gone...

    And I need help before I do make everything disappear..
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Give Me Wings,
    Are you in therapy?? It sounds like you need someone to spill your guts to.. You can do that here and get alot of support but I think you need to be face to face with someone.. You are more than welcome being here..
    Do you think you might have underlying feelings for what your dad did to your mom?? Sometimes we just don't see it..Keep posting here.. Don't think no one cares.. When you are new it takes a little while for replies to come thru..When I first got here I didn't think anyone cared..Then I had an Angel come to my rescue.. Shes no longer here..But I will always remember her..
    No one here knows you so feel free to vent all you want.. Let it out so it's not consuming your life..Go somewhere that there aren't any people around and just yell until you can't yell anymore.. That helps releive alot of the dailey stress..I wish you all the best and hope to see you around here more.....
     
  3. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    As a point of pure practicality, as someone who DID fly away, wait until you finish university - transfering in the middle is a real pain.
     
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