I just want to get better.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by idkdude, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. idkdude

    idkdude Member

    It hurts. I've never felt so much pain in my life. No one knows about how I feel, except her. My ex fiancé. We were high school sweethearts. At 19, I asked her to marry me. She told me I was worthless. I was full of empty promises. She said she didn't think I would be able to provide for her. She didn't like my career path. I'm an artist. She called my talents mediocre and didn't believe I would make it in my dream school. She told me that I gained weight, (previously a college athlete). She left me and I fell into a deep depression. But auditions for the school were coming up. I got focused and worked hard. I made it in the school with a scholarship and proved her wrong. She came back when she found out about it and we started talking again. I thought it was going somewhere, but she was just toying with me. She ended up telling me she needed space. She ignored me. Ignored me for a full year. The more successful I was in school, the more depressed I became. I just wasn't good enough for her. I gained weight. 40lbs in 3 months. I can no longer fit any of my clothes. I eat a lot. I can't control it. I'm a shadow of my former self. I feel like I'm going insane. I keep having these random episodes where my heart keeps beating really fast and I have trouble breathing. She messaged me back a couple of weeks ago, but it seems like she is just taunting me. I don't know what she wants and shouldn't talk to her, but I still love her. I literally feel that talking to her will kill me. Anyways, I just want peace in my life. I'm tired of feeling this way.
     
  2. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I know that you love this woman, but she sounds like an awful person. Sorry to be so blunt, but look at how she has made you feel. It seems like she wants someone to mess with and feelings to control and that is WRONG. What sport did you play? Do you think doing that activity again will help you feel better? You sound like a successful person. How about focusing on your achievements? Please take care of yourself and if you feel like talking to this woman will kill you then stop at once and block her out of your life. Right now you need positivity not someone trying tp tear you down.
     
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  3. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    You have to let her go; I know it is a hell of a lot easier to say then to actually do. She is literally killing you. She is the cat and your the mouse. She sounds like she is more interested in you being successful than you. Would she still have pursued you if you were not successful? Everytime she returns it is when you achieve something , seems like a definite pattern here. She doesn't sound like she knows what she wants but in the mean time she is tearing you to shreds. Have you dated other women?

    I think this is what you are describing ; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palpitations.

    Set yourself free and love someone who will return your love with passion. Maybe see a counselor to help you help yourself. Maybe a psychiatrist in the short term to help you feel better and not so blue. Exercising sounds like it would be a good place to start.
     
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  4. idkdude

    idkdude Member

    There's no need to be sorry. When I'm thinking rationally, I totally agree with you. I want to hate her for everything she's doing, but I can't. I hate that she has that much control over me. I was a wrestler. I've actually given it a lot of thought. I really want to do some form of martial arts.
     
  5. idkdude

    idkdude Member

    The truth definitely hurts. I really have to let her go. It's really hard to fathom, but deep inside I know she doesn't want a relationship with me. She's just toying with me. Honestly, and this hurts, she probably wouldn't pursue me if I weren't successful. My only issue is I can't read her. I don't know what she wants and just wish she could be honest. I haved dated two women since the break up with my ex, but I couldn't connect with them. I felt nothing and broke it off so I wouldn't lead them on. I just haven't met anyone that I connect with. I think Palpitations would explain a lot. I often feel stressed and down, so that may contribute to it. Along with my poor eating habit. We have a psychiatrist at my college, maybe I'll check it out. I think you're right about exercising. Maybe I should invest in a gym membership.
     
  6. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    That sounds like a great idea. Do they also have counsellors.
     
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  7. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    it's not working out with new women because your heart is still holding on to the past; it will let go when you meet someone special. don't be so hard on yourself, your obviously a very talented fellow and you are doing what you love; not many people can say that. just give it some time , take some time for yourself and figure out , who ever the hell you are out and what you want out of life and what you want out of woman. I think you will be fine, see a dr get some meds and take care of yourself first and then start dating new people.
     
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  8. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're open to counseling/psychiatrist. I agree that once you get your feelings sorted out and build your confidence up that it will be easier to date new people. I hope you can start exercising again. I ran track for many years. I have trauma from track from when I was young and in college I ran slower than I have ever run in my life and had a terrible end to an otherwise great career. But running is still one of the only things that can automatically make me feel good and get me on track again (no pun intended!). I think exercise could help you a lot and you could start off slow. I really hope you feel better soon.
     
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