I just want to go to sleep and not wake up!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cursedforever, Jul 23, 2013.

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  1. Cursedforever

    Cursedforever New Member

    I have never really considered myself a weak person, or one that would want to walk out of life but lately the depression, I have always been able to get out of has taken place front and center in my life. Even though, I have things that should make me not want to give up. I am exhausted, I am on disability at a young age, been divorced for 3 years, felt this would change my life for the better and all it has done is make it harder. The first 18 years of my life was a fountain of abuse, neglect, sexual abuse and some time downright torture. I have worked through all of that the best I know how. always working to be better, always working to overcome who all of that should have turned me into.

    I am a loving, attentive, responsible parent despite it all and have a huge heart for my friends and family. I do think at the end of the day I beat the chain of events that had my life laid out for me, or meant to make me as horrible of a person as those who hurt me, including and especially my parents and family.

    I find now with a physical illness, combined with ptsd, and my life getting harder and harder daily my ability to thrive, find joy, and to keep that "little engine that could" mentality is failing me. I would never purposefully take my life, i just find myself wishing my illness would, quickly take me, a complication with my disease where I go to sleep and wont wake up. i feel too tired, beat down, and wore out to keep fighting ......its the one thing ive done my whole entire life is fight. on every level , fight to be better, fight to overcome, fight to be stronger, fight to learn with a 6th grade education, fight to be the person i so wanted to be from the get go but couldnt because I have had to fight against what was simply programmed into my mind.

    I have no clue how to get out of this phase of my life, how to accept all the changes, rise to the occasion the people around me need of me. or how to even care at this point. I am in therapy, it isnt helping , I take meds on an as needed basis for panic attacks, that i never needed to medicate before. I feel so darn weak, and i have never been this unhappy, even when life was dealing me a worse hand than i have now. hope, youth, and having my young children kept me wistful and able to think how great the future would be, now the future is here and its no where close to what I had hoped for. my happiness, isnt even there in the small glimpses that most happiness comes in, the joy i should feel about certain things is not there .......

    I mainly write this to a group of strangers because I cant fathom saying it to the people closest to me, the sheer disappointment would be more than i could handle and maybe some one here can understand how I feel.

    thanks for reading

    CF

     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi CF it is good to see you reaching out here then hun for support. Sometimes just writing out what we are feeling helps. It also helps to know you are not alone. You say you are on anxiety meds but not on meds for depression. I hope perhaps you could look at that option even for a short time because antidepressant meds could help you find that fight back in you again hun Keep talking to us ok we are here to support you hugs
     
  3. Cursedforever

    Cursedforever New Member

    thank you Eclipse, that is so very nice of you to respond. I shall stay around for awhile, share, listen, and hopefully be there for others as well. I know how I feel is not okay, and i need to fix it, me and daily antidepressants just dont get along, i have a lot of medication allergies, ive had to take them for other reasons, 1 for seizures as some antidepressants are / seizure meds. and i had a full hysterectomy when I was 27 and they automatically put you on them, then once I tried to quit smoking haha, so I have been on them , all when not needed and I was allergic to all but one, and the one i wasnt upset my stomach so bad, i quit taking it abruptly, which no one told me i shouldnt do and the side affects for a few days were brutal so i have not been too keen on trying them again, now that I actually probably could benefit from them. sadly.... I am hoping to beat this on my own, some how. but it may end up me having to try a few different ones to see what may not cause me a reaction. because i agree that when your this depressed it makes sense to at least try them.
     
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