I just want to go to sleep

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NoNamesPlease, May 21, 2016.

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  1. NoNamesPlease

    NoNamesPlease Active Member

    I have not felt this low in ages. The only people I have in my so-called Support Network are a therapist who is out of town, a boyfriend who thinks I'm being a pussy, and my senile mother.

    I completely screwed up a post in the "are you feeling suicidal today" thread. I also realize that I am too overly sensitive today to even go in the chat room.

    It is difficult and humiliating for me to ask for support. Growing up in my family I was always told to stop feeling sorry for myself. I hate those words.

    I really don't know what I expect to find here. Everyone here is in the same boat. I just wish I had the balls to go through with it. I have attempted multiple times since I was 8 years old.

    I have had seven life-threatening surgical emergencies, and each time I woke up alive I was pissed. These were not from self-injury, they were medical emergencies that should have killed me.

    Most people would be happy to have survived, but I feel cheated. I have always thought that the next time I have one of those events, I would just simply not go to the hospital and let myself succumb to it. I hate myself because I cannot endure the pain long enough to die from it. I always wimp out and go to the emergency room.

    I really wish I could feel some hope. I wish that I knew what was waiting beyond this life.

    If the storybook version is true, I would want nothing better than to join my grandparents who I miss so much. I only want to go to sleep and wake up sitting next to them.

    The lousy truth of it all is, the human body is designed to want to survive. There is no painless death. It's the reason we struggle to breathe when choked. The body wants to survive.

    Right now I just want to go to sleep...
     
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't consider someone who dismisses your emotions as part of a support group.

    Depending on the state you live in you may find crisis centers you can go to that can help you with your burdens. Seek out help there if available.

    And you can't screw anything up here. We understand and will help when possible
     
  3. NoNamesPlease

    NoNamesPlease Active Member

    Thank you for the reply. Right now the boyfriend is my main relationship.

    I feel really bad too, I inadvertently mentioned a method in one of my other posts and it got edited. Beating myself up over that now...
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    No worries there, we understand and we make mistakes now and then on this forum. No need to kick yourself over this. After all we are human beings.

    What is making you feel suicidal after all? What is it about your life that you want to end it?
     
  5. NoNamesPlease

    NoNamesPlease Active Member

    I am diabetic,and the older i get the harder it is to control. I lost over 100 pounds, got fit again and it still progresses. My ex husband forbid me on threat of divorce to get treatment or use insulin.

    My mom is a BPD, bipolar and drug addicted. I am the only family that still speaks to her. She put me in bad situations because of her addiction. Let's say I grew up too fast. I knew more than a 5 year old should ever know about what drunk men and women can do with a child.

    Now she's ill and has aleniated the rest of the family. They in turn wont help me out with her at all . She now lives in a bosrding house in a horrible part of town.

    I was married 20 years, and found out my ex was gay 2 years after he divorced me. I had also helped put him through grad school. He filed a month before he graduated. I got all of his debt in the divorce.

    I in turn am in an unhealthy relationship. I get micromanaged 24/7 almost. I never quite get anything right for him. If i left him I would be alone and I can not accept that. I live in terror of being alone.

    Im basically a spineless victim, and i hate myself for not having the balls to change my life or end it.
     
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Wow getting his debt in the divorce. Can you explain it was his debt and clearly his even if both are equally responsible when married? Why are you shouldering the debt not him. Maybe file an appeal and see if they can shift it to his responsibility.

    If all fails, file for bankruptcy. That will get debt erased but it will be a while.

    Wow yeah health issues can suck major. Why would a normal person threaten you on divorce if you addressed your blood sugar levels. Its a life threatening condition.

    Do you have access to therapy/counseling?
     
  7. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I was married 20 years, and found out my ex was gay 2 years after he divorced me. I had also helped put him through grad school. He filed a month before he graduated. I got all of his debt in the divorce.

    Courts can't award debt, there is no court order that supersedes who signed and who's name is on a contract except a garnishment and garnishments are done on the person that is responsible for the debt by credit contract- at worst you may have to pay joint debt and not have benefit of the whatever was paid for jointly and he is refusing to pay his part. This is not at all to say you are lying- it is to say you may be being manipulated by either the ex, or by collection agencies into believing something that simply is not true and that you need to look into a lot more.

    I in turn am in an unhealthy relationship. I get micromanaged 24/7 almost. I never quite get anything right for him. If i left him I would be alone and I can not accept that. I live in terror of being alone.

    You are already alone- in fact worse than alone, you are in fear when the person in near - this is only because you are holding onto that person. You cannot find a healthy relationship because nobody that wants a healthy relationship is going to enter a relationship with somebody already in a relationship. Until you are single you can't find a partner and what you have now is worse than being single because you can't even go and be sociable and around people.

    Now she's ill and has aleniated the rest of the family. They in turn wont help me out with her at all . She now lives in a boarding house in a horrible part of town.

    You owe your mother absolutely nothing. All parent obligation ends when a child reaches maturity and all of a child's obligation ends when they are no longer being supported financially and the legal responsibility has shifted from the parent so what you choose to do with your mother is your choice to make. If you are not happy do it differently. The rest of the family is not wrong for choosing differently, and you are not wrong or right , simply making a choice that you can change on a whim anytime. You can do more or less , but it is not worth saying or being you do too much and they do not do enough because you are all free to make your own choices of how much to do or not.

    You say you are too scared to change your life but it is far easier to change our life in small meaningful way s than end it. Working on accepting that these are choices about how you live your life now and you are not the victim is a good start. Being the victim means you are powerless to change things, you are not powerless except by manner of choices you are making in how to spend your days and evenings and who you are allowing to take up your time that you could be doing something you found pleasure or actual companionship from. Decide what you want to do tomorrow and do it. If you are lonely decide to go someplace tonight where there are peopel and go. Talk to the rest of the family and ignore the topic of your mother if it is not something you agree on. Do something for yourself for a change because you deserve it.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2016
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