I just want to scream, and crawl into a hole...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Jacob1973, Nov 21, 2011.

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  1. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    I spent the past 4 weeks trying to date a girl that a friend matched me up with, and the first couple of dates went fine, and then it just went to nothing. She wouldnt call me back or anything. Finally I just said enough was enough of the silent treatment. Whats sad is that I really did like her and I really did think that we connected. But she is so incredibly quiet. I dont know, because now I am so incredibly upset. I dont know if it was the right thing to cut it off with her, and now all the emotions of just thinking that my life is a failure come back into my face like a hurricane. So do the thoughts of suicide. I am just tired of trying and I wish I could just close my eyes and never wake up anymore to this nightmare of a life...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HI Jacob perhaps she has problems of her own hun Please don't give up okay you will find someone it just takes time ya i know you heard that before but it does h un get out into lot of activities meet new people
     
  3. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    All i want to do is cry. Here I am on my 11 day vacation and all I can think about is crying and dying. I have plans on how I will do it, I just havnt come around to doing it yet.

    My job is having problems, and I am thinking that I will have to move again soon. So I am packing and repacking boxes, and moving furnature out of storage and into my cargo trailer so I can move.

    I just dont know what to do about my house because the bank wont help me sell it, and they just are playing dumb. I should just give it back to them! My parents talked with a friend who is a realtor and she thought that I could simply empty my house and put it on the market. But there is major issues with banks not doing loans so I think it will be another year or so of paying on a mortgage for a home I wont even be living in.. again....

    All I know is that I am misserable here. The only people I talk to on a daily basis is my parents and a few people at work. My best friend was married 4 weeks ago and its become increasingly uncomfortable being around him and his new wife.

    I had tooth surgery 4 days ago, and finally removed a pain that had been there for years. Gotta love the stuff they give for the pain.. i sleep most of the day and I havnt told my doc that, but I have had the best sleep possible in maybe years. That stuff pretty much knocks me out and I dont even think about the depression either. But then I wake up and I dont want to roll out of bed. Rather I just start crying again...

    I talked with my sister who is a nurse and she is surprised my regular doctor ignored my depression and didnt do anything about it. I saw him and had a bunch of bloodwork done. I know I have Vit D defencency which I was told by another doc years ago added to my depression. Oh did I mention that I went through 2 weeks of hell thinkn I was dying from a bad heart. Saw that heart doc and did all the exams. Another false positive in 7 years...

    So health, girl, work, house, family, friend problems... God sure does like to pile it all on at once...
     
  4. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, I am a white guy who is ironically a minority in the community I live in. I cant find a white or hispanic girl to date, and I wont date the locals because of the cultural problems.

    I am always the outsider no matter what I do, so getting out and doing stuff is next to impossible. I am never invited to anything, and I am shunned whereever I go. I might as well be the HULK. When "minorities" tell me that I dont know what the heck they are going through, with racism, I have to laugh.

    Ok a bit off topic on that last sentence, but It is something that has directly affected my dating and friend association.
     
  5. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    I am just so tired, and I just want to cry. 2 days left in my vacation and I think I am actually worse now then when I started. I am just wanting this horrible pain, and lonelyness to end. I dont care anymore how! If I disappeared, I dont think anyone would even care if I was gone. I am tired of walking around like a zombie, watching my life pass me by. I know that I have said it before, but I cant even watch others kiss, or hug each other. It makes me want to cry because I feel so worthless of a human being to not have someone fall in love with me. I am just not sure about anything anymore.....
     
  6. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    I guess that it just doesnt matter anymore.
     
  7. hatch

    hatch Member

    When you're depressed your ego takes all the hits that you might normally externalize. What I am saying is that your problem isn't with her and her actions, your problem is your depression. It's making you a different person. Get therapy, get on medication if you need to, at that point you'll have the tools to better see what's really going on. Chances are she has her own issues.
     
  8. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    I tried to get help from a doc, and when he asked me if I was thinking about suicide, I had to say no. I tried to hint at my depression, and he even did blood work (which proved what I already had been told by another doctor which is why I have depression), but I cant come out and say that I am thinking of suicide because I cant hav that on my medical records for my job. So because I didnt hit that stupid level of suicide point system the docs use to justify treating me with meds, he wouldnt even consider it. So I am in a big catch 22. Damned if i get treatment, and i guess damned if I dont.

    Went to a major "box store" today after work to get some things I needed, and all I could think about was "would that kill me peacefully?".

    I am almost 39 in a few months, and I doubt I will make it to it. I am just about done with my life as far as I am concerned.
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu need to stop and think cleary here your records are sealed private depression is treatable you are worried about your job but you are suicidal you won't have a job you won't have nothing if you don't get treatment because your thoughts will take you away.
    If you have to you go to emergency and you get some help NOW do not leave this okay Many professioanls have depression are still working because they took care of t hemselves they took the steps to get help.
    You logic is all clouded hun with the depression time to stop and tell your doctor about you thoughts and get the help you need so you can get back on track hugs
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu need to stop and think cleary here your records are sealed private depression is treatable you are worried about your job but you are suicidal you won't have a job you won't have nothing if you don't get treatment because your thoughts will take you away.
    If you have to you go to emergency and you get some help NOW do not leave this okay Many professioanls have depression are still working because they took care of t hemselves they took the steps to get help.
    You logic is all clouded hun with the depression time to stop and tell your doctor about you thoughts and get the help you need so you can get back on track hugs
     
  11. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    Somehow I am still here. I actually had no intention of coming back on here since I thought I'd be gone by now, and just didnt care anymore. My life is even more of hell since I was last on, and I really dont know why I didnt do it around new years. I really had no intention of being here past then, and somehow I still am. (cries)....
     
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