I just want to tell someone... [long read]

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by cjloveee, Nov 22, 2014.

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  1. cjloveee

    cjloveee New Member

    [[[Long story optional read]]] Strong points of breaking in bold

    Three weeks ago on a Tuesday I packed all my belongings and one of my dogs into my car with the intentions of leaving my life. I guess that it was the fact that I had no where to go, my only loyal friend was my boyfriend and I needed to get away from him. Various reasons, different story he isn't a bad guy and our problems stem from a lot of my own dishonesty. I had been off and on struggling with depression, drug addiction and toying playfully with the idea of ending my life for weeks now. I have no passion, I have no goal... what was the point of laying in my closet curled up all the time? This year has been full of so much negativity and failure. I had been clean for two years, then I slipped a couple times before delving back into heavy drug use. I also made my first C (below standards) in one class and Withdrew from another during the spring semester, GPA before 3.6 to and 3.2. That had a little to do with the job I just got working 12's, good money it really just sealed the deal on my academic performance as I was already slipping. The job was good for me, I enjoyed the people I worked with (until I mixed them into my personal life) and I was going to be hired on full time. I did it great accomplishment. I cheated on my fiance. [[[We lead a different kind of lifestyle sexually, I enjoy women so from time to time I bring one home, we then toyed around with the idea of getting me a new guy. Do it be swingers right, wrong we went to some kind of swingers meet, greet, etc. There was alcohol involved my ol' man left told me he was going to run home get something and get me mcdonalds. I sat and waited for him for so long, I hadn't caught his anger or frustration when he left, in that time I slept with someone and idk (dont want to be to graphic) had 4play with someone else. It left me feeling dirty and used, and I stopped both activities midway due to my sudden realization of unsatisfactory. I told Keith and it was "cheating" really because we knew why we went but, after I told him how it made me feel he still brings it up as if I had an enjoyable time of which could only happen when he was gone.]]] [[[After this instance I was still playing with the idea of it and had at the same time become quite friendly with a guy at work. I never exchanged my phone number nor did we take breaks together or meet outside the work place. I look back and realize I just truly enjoyed his attention. One evening in particular I was under the influence and after talking it up to a point of ridiculousness we decided to meet after work that morning and well cheat. Never got his phone number or contact info just met. The sex was horrible and stopped, I am not a cheater. I was curious it was talked up. Now my ol' man had given me a hall pass of sorts but I was breaking the #1 rule it wasn't the sex that was bothersome to him it was the relationship. So I become paranoid, my ol' man is a dog. More than once have women forwarded things to me he sent them, he is always talking dirty etc, well if I did that what had he done?! See its sick. That convo could go on for a while but, lets continue.]]] Directly after I cheated I quit my job, I have never seen or contacted that man again. I didnt tell my ol' man until after my suicide attempt. After I quit my job my drug use became more frequent. I also picked back up self-mutilation. I quit school I stopped being me.

    I let my whole world unravel, I am now left with this feeling of guilt and I think I am a selfish person. My ol' man came and got me I woke up at 6am at the park I had parked and spent the night at. I had to pee so I got out of the car forgetting what I had done I realized I couldn't really walk, things weren't right. I called him immediately and asked for help, I couldn't speak correctly and it was mass confusion and stress for him. I remembered a little here and there the next day. I remember vomiting twice outside, I vomited another time inside my car [no recollection of that] I think that the amount of illegal drugs in my system kept me alive, keeping my heart rate up. Thats not a pro drug comment I know it isnt helpful. I think I am still physically being affected by the attempt, and I know mentally for sure. I was still very suicidal after and I had employed another more effective method. At the time I dont want to die I just want to be happy. I just want people around, until they come and then I realize people suck so fucking much. I spend 89% of my time with an infant child I watch and its good for me because I have to act right with her, and the mutual love is good. Plus she is the most trust worthy person I know. I have made attempts at functioning normally, I cleaned my house kinda, and I have taken the dogs to the dog park. I also withdrew from all my classes, and interacted with my stepdaughter. I wouldn't be around her for a month because it wasnt a good idea. Getting up, taking care of business isnt something I do. So thats all good steps. I just cant shake the crud off me. I still cant seem to be me yet. I dont know what I need, I think is friends but, I dont trust anyone and I am insanely jealous currently. I need the help to get over it. Maybe meds, maybe counselling, maybe church.

    Either way thanks for reading my first ever novel. I would like to thank my wonderful mother for making me so I could make this all possible.-hippie oue
  2. phaz

    phaz Member

    I'm sorry for the whole experience you had. Glad you were able to get it all out :) We're here to listen.
    One shouldn't be ashamed of exploring his or her sexuality. It's normal.
    If your relationship with your relatives is good, maybe you could speak with them also. You should also consider talking to your doctor.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2014
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