I just want to...

[Jess]

I don't know how to start this really so I'm just going to sorta dive in.

I'm not posting that I'm planning on taking my life right now or tomorrow or what ever. I can't do it. I know I have people here who care about me, love me.. and would miss me terribly if I go.

I can't help but want it though. :sad: I feel like a burden to my family. Like I'm just causing problems and getting in the way here and in real life.

Feeling like so many of the issues going on in my family are partly, if not completely my fault. I know that no one would ever go ahead and tell me that any of it's my fault accept my "mother". Who's extremely angry with me now.......

I've screwed up many friendships, relationships in general. I'm not the greatest when it comes to being a friend... nevermind anything more.. maybe later..... I know I've let a lot of people down, lots on here as well... I try so hard not to SH.. but I always fail.. and I know I disappoint so many.... trust me it hurts me even more to know I have let you down then it does dragging the blade down my arm...... still I do it.

I know that there's no way I could do it... but I can't help but want it...

:cry:


I know, I'm just whining....

Had a bad day I guess... not the worst.. I shouldn't be so depressed... there's many people in worse situations than I am... but.. I guess I'm selfish. self centered... I hate me.

 

[gentlelady]

:hug: You are never a burden Jess. Pm me if you need to talk. Or see you on MSN. :hug:

 

[thedeafmusician]

Jess, you're not selfish, even if you think you are. And also, sometimes its better to be selfish once in a while and put yourself first.

I feel like I'm a burden to my family too sometimes, but the truth is that your dad loves you, and if you love someone then you're not a burden to them... if that makes sense. Sorry if it doesnt.

Trying not to SH is HARD, give yourself some credit for at least trying... and I think that you're a great friend. :hug:

TDM

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi Jess...what an honest representation of how you feel...I am most impressed how you eliminated any manipulation, and spoke from your heart...I wish more than anything that I could take away your pain, as you, more than many ppl DO NOT DESERVE IT...you are a kind, bright, insightful and quite adorable young lady, and I do care about you more most ppl in know in RL...sometimes I do feel that that earth is another planet's hell (sorry I cannot refer to original source; I saw it in someone's sig and it is so very provacative that I am borrowing it)...my adolescent yrs were hell too...unfortunately, I chose to be a druggie...but that did gain me popularity...and yes, I had to spend yrs in therapy doing my recovery...this is all to say, it can get better...the waiting sucks...and no, you are SO not at fault...you are way too young to have that much responsiblity if you had suffient parenting...please know you have all the traits necessary for great success ... there are many ppl here who truly care about you, and yes, we all are so imperfect...with much caring, Jackie

 

[Jess]

Thanks TDM, and gentle...sadeyes



Thanks for the replies...


I don't mean to be a baby and having to post... I'm honestly just trying to occupy myself so I don't have to SH... or so I won't.. cuz I don't have to... I choose to. Grr.... I hate the sound of that.

:cry: I don't know what I'm doing...... I wanna do it sooooo bad



I don't wanna wake up tomorrow

 

[thedeafmusician]

Hugs Jess... here if you need.

TDM

 

[Jess]

thanks tdm
:hug:

you're too kind


:sad: wish I was a better friend for y'all

 

[Wonderstuff]

:hug: :hug: :hug:
I don't think there's anything I can say that hasn't already been said...You're NOT selfish! And you're a great friend! And I'm glad that you can't do it.
We used to talk alot, but then you went away. We should talk more now you're back.
Er, if you want to, that is.
And congratulations for at least *trying* to give up SH. We know how hard it is and how easy it is to slip.
Please be safe hun, and I hope to talk to you soon.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[gentlelady]

If posting is the distraction you need to stop from SH, keep going girl. You can post as much as you want and we will just keep standing behind you all the way. Hold your head high hun. You are wonderful.To use a little Jess language "you are wicked good". Talk with you later. Stay strong. You can succeed. :hug:

 

[Jess]

Thanks for the replies guys....

hopefully I can turn the posting and talking to who ever is on.. and such.. into the distraction I need to keep from causing myself any harm

Just letting everyone know that I'm "fine" just extremely exhausted right now... too exhausted....


I wish the thoughts would go away though :sad:


:wallbash: