I just want understood.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Emberfire, Jan 5, 2012.

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  1. Emberfire

    Emberfire Member

    I’m Emma…. I’m 18 years old.. I own a business, when this business started I wasn’t really told the specifics but then I learned for one reason or another that it was getting placed in my name.. at first I thought that could be a problem.. I said to my mum “why me? Why not becky? Or kimmy?” but no I’m family thus I was the first candidate … Saying no to my mum could have been a problem.. but honestly I fancied owning a shop.. thought it could be cool and I could input all my idea’s and styles into making a really fantastic shop. It wasn’t until we were putting the things in the shop that I realised the possibility of all of this, everyone started seeing my enthusiasm And it really was turning out perfect.. everything was shiney and new and looked like it would sell good… Then Mhairi Came along. Everything I wanted from the shop was ripped out from under me. My idea’s turned into nighmare business relationships…

    (Mhairi = Landlady
    Ged = Landlady's Husband
    This came from my Diary sorry for any mispelling ect)

    I don’t need people pointing out to me how useless I am.

    Mhairi complicated everything.
    Ged whome I thought was a little like Iain (boyfriend ) say but not do… turned out to be an -Nasty word--,
    No matter what they say I think they are both -Nasty word-. I understand them.. I see their points.. but their choice of action was stupid and foolish. The amount of time I have spent thinking of cutting my arms again, she (she = mother) thinks it’s the same as when I was skipping school… If it were… I’d be quite happy to fake everything.. but I’m not happy I’m hiding.. I hate it.. it makes me dizzy and sick when I think about how I feel… so why not bury it? I can’t tell it either way.. they would never understand the whole thing.. parts.. sure but never the whole thing.
    It doesn’t come down to confidence or money or stress and Mhairi or Ged… It comes down to my whole self appreciation.
    I don’t like how I feel… I hide behing this lazy shield.. but I’m sick of getting abuse getting yelled at getting put down getting told the things I already know.. when All I god dambed want…. Is someone to say… it’ll be ok… I’m here…
    I thought when you get older.. learned more stuff understood life more.. all this pain would go away.. it just gets worse everything piles up into one great big monster waiting to drag me back to who I was before. I don’t want to forget..
    Sometimes I want to die so bad I stop breathing… othertimes I’m so sure of myself my head feels like it might pop off and fly somewhere… I’m living a lie.. I see that
    But why should I come out when I’m better off here.. left alone.. to fantisise about what it might be like if I was different.. I’m not different and I can’t change my self… everyone says I need to change I need to get better.. I’m sick of hearing those words.. they don’t comfort me.. they don’t help me. Why should I change when no-one else will change along with me… it’ll be the same old mum from when my grampa died… never answer mail phone never paying bills laying on the couch complaining 24/7.. calling on brian ( Stepdad) every time she needs help guiding me to do things she wants. Mabye my views all wrong but it’s the only one I can think of that can make any sense to my feeling of depression and of wrongness… I’m such a failure.

    I stopped going to school, mabye 2 to 3 years ago.. I was cutting then and even if I got a scratch almost every person in that school would call me a train wreck.. even some of the teachers, so I quit I made myself strong told them to get lost and gave up going once I couldn't face the glare. I ruined my life the day I stopped going.. no way to earn money see thats why my mum put me up for collage.. if I was still in a type of educationshe wouldn't have to work to pay the bills. she got payed for me being under 16 ect but after that it allcame down to education and jobs, thats also why my name was put on everything business like. I've always wanted my own place away from here.. I know I hate it when I speak about my mum that way, with such spite and hate, but I love here I looked after here for so long but I'm never thanked.. that doesn't bother me anymore.. whatbothers me now is I'm sinking, faster than I thought I might... I thought I had it all together but I've been hiding it away behind this stupid facade. I can't find a good enough release and pretty soon... It will be the fall back option.

    Thanks for reading.
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Emma. Your life certainly does sound difficult and contentious. I'm sorry that you're in such pain, but I'm glad you've found us here.

    We are a caring community, trying to help each other through the hard times. It can be done, especially with support and encouragement.

    I hope you keep posting here, you are important to us, and we won't judge you.

    Keep reaching out, please
  3. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    I know that feeling of being a failure and of hiding behind a facade all day, to everyone. And I also know the feeling of looking after a parent when younger and although we get along okay now there are still cracks in our relationship. Anyway if you ever need or want to talk feel free to inbox me.
  4. Emberfire

    Emberfire Member

    Thank you.. to the both of you, and If I'm in need I'll inbox you.. thanks for your help. I never thought I would get a reply.
  5. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    Your welcome, I also know what that's like, every forum or website like this I've joined in the past everyone ignored me, except this one.
  6. Emberfire

    Emberfire Member

    Yea, same here.
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