I just wanted to talk...

This is my first post, and i dunno why i'm even here, i just google it and came across with this forum so i guess i would take a shot, i dunno i guess i just want to take this out of me...

first of all i'm complety fucked up, i'm 24 years old and all i had was a shitty life, when i was a kid i always though hey when i grow older everything is going to be ok, but ive grew up and things really got worst and worst, i swear god i'm f****** cursed or something, i dunno even where to start, first there's two things i want to tell about me i suffer from a obsessive-compulsive disorder that later started a bipolar kinda thing, i can have a moment of pure thoughts and happyness and the next i almost feel like killing myself, and i'm really intellegent, some people may find it great but associated with those two disorders it drives me nuts, because i kinda hate people, i hate stupidity and i begun being more and more anti-social, i feel like i don't belong in this era, i'm a asshole, i feel like the world is ploting against me, and the people tha surround me are the wort kind, i've grew up in a shithole town, in a shithole country, i try to be normal, i try to be ordinary, but this thing in me doesn't allow it it's hard, and i always feel lonely, so what did i think '' i need to find someone that understands me'' yeah right...i though that when i was like 15, years passed and i never found that person, met a lot of girls, total bitches, i can stand it, and i never figure it out why could i get one decent girl, i'm good looking, i wasnt always like this...then like when i was 20 i met this girl, a accident when i was going rock bottom, i had quit school, i quitted because i was too depressed to go, to face people, and i started going heavy on the drink, drugs, pills, xxxx shit young people do, it was the only way to make the pain go way,i met this girl the first one i can say i love, and i guess i have of different concept of loving because i really love with all my heart, i guess i've always cared about love so it's easily explained, and this girl was like me, i felt like good with her, she understood me, and i my mind got cleared, i was inspired, i've always written all my life, i have notebooks full of stories, thoughs, poetry etc, i also paint, and she allowed me to do all these great things, all for her, and she helped with my disorders and all that..and i fell in love for her, but she said she didn't love me, well not in those ways, she said that i was the most wonderfull person in the world but she could force her heart to love me, and she begun to be my best friend, i'm to egocentric to fall down just over this, i mean everybody gets their heart broken right?and i was so happy i had her as a friend, but deep down i've always loved her, years passed and she's still my best friend, i can talk about everything with her, the only thing i can't say it's i love her, because i don't want her to feel sad, years have passed she got a boyfriend, she's happy and it kills me, these last two years i've hit the rock bottom, i've quit a good job, i can't write, i have good ideas but i don't feel writting it, i have more and more psychotic thoughts, doing drugs just so i don't have any thoughts on my brain, i'm always thinking...always playing these mind games with people, always pissed off, and sadly she's the only one i have, i only have a mother and a sister as a family but our relationship isn't the best, and i these last months have been so hard, i'm always sad, always depressed, i don't feel like coming outside in the day, i only come out at night and go home like in the morning all fucked up, i party a lo, i should be happy but no, its the opposite....i dunno how long i can take this, i'm destroying myself, i'm hurting her, the only person i really like, i just feel like ending everything once and for good, i never did anything good i always thought my gift was my curse thats why i can't really do anythings, and i'm colder as the time goes by, sometimes i have to cut myself just so the physical pain can be stronger than the emotional pain...i'm tired, and more and more the thought of ending it all makes more sense, i just want the pain to stop, tired of suffering, tired of not having a path to follow, tired of being me, tired of seeing reality with my distorted vision...

well, english is not my mother language so i understand if it may sound a bit confusing, i just wanted to...talk

 

just wanted to say hi and welcome. you will find alot of support here. lots of us cut, too, so you are not alone in that. sometimes when i'm overwhelmed i feel like cutting is the only thing i can count on to bring me back down to earth. i'm working on it. have you been officially diagnosed as bipolar? if so meds and counselling can really help stabilize your moods. it's worth talking to your doctor about it. again, welcome.

 

yes, i've seen people, taking med for ages, but i stopped going, i have a big egocentric problem, and i know what wrong with me, i just can't change it, it pisses me off so bad, doctors always coming with plans and meds drives me even more nuts, i really think it makes me worst, plus with the meds i turn myself into a zombie, i hate that, only thing good about it, its great to mix with vodka....

i just want to stop feeling sad, i want peace of mind i don't even ask happiness

 

Hi Johnnie and welcome...I can truly relate to how being smart is a gift and a curse...I have the tendency to over-analyze my deficiencies and punish myself for all those things I see...I have found that treatment with a wise therapist allowed me to have a place where I can express these thoughts and have someone to provide alternative ways of viewing the world...so sorry things are so tough for you right now...I hope you share more with us and please know there are many ppl who can relate to what you have posted...welcome again, J

 

do you know about the icarus project? there's a whole section in the forum there about managing your moods without doctors and without meds. http://theicarusproject.net/
you might find some info there, maybe a new perspective on being bipolar. my shrink is always telling me to not drink with my meds (i'm bipolar too), as if that's ever going to happen! ha ha. there are so few pleasures in life, going out with my friends and having a few drinks is something i really enjoy. anyhow....

 

Being bipolar: Best be your own advocate. Reg GPs know nothing and you should see a Psychiatrist at least every three months. Know what all medications do and their side effects. It's good to have someone you know and trust to watch your moods, chances are you have no insight and you will want to catch changes fast. Be careful of SSRIs, they help you with depression but won't prevent you from mania. Write a journal and do mood charts..... IMPORTANT: Eat healthy food regularly; Get regular sleep and patterns; Take your medications on time always; Try to stay away from all stressful situations, or you may trigger into an episode.... Try reading COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY FOR BIPOLAR DISORDER .... ISBN#1-59385-162-6 ..... Feel free to PM me anytime....... Joseph......

 

thanks for ur replies, i was not certain if coming here would do anything, but i feel somehow lighter...

i've tried to do all the medication right, following a psychiatrist, all of that, but it only works a few weeks, then something happens and i'm back where i started i can't do it, there must be a way i can fight all this, i need that feeling i had when i could fight back, i need some incentive and it never shows up can anybody relate to that?

i dunno my head is too messed up these days, i know drinking doesn't help, drugs or whatever, but i need that, its the only time where i don't remember her, or my crappy life, or the fact that i had everything to sucess but i'm just too damaged to do anything, what's the point of having a high IQ when u can't live like normal people, why do i got to analyse all things, and have these obsessions, i'm always tired...i used to keep journals, diarys, all, but i can't seem to write anymore, i write a few lines then it all vanishes away...i used to be able to write for hours, now i can't fill a page...i'm becoming more indiferent every day, i don't want to be that kind of person