Maybe I think too much about what I want my life to become but I'm not being that unrealistic for once. It's just - it's going to take years until things will be as I want them to be. I'm not sure what to do in the meantime, I really just want to run away. I'm studying for my exams, I have already wasted 3 months of study time with inefficient studying, I'm slow with stuff but now I have only one month left and I really don't want to repeat this year it would mean just being stuck one year further in the life I don't want. But I only manage to actually study at most 2-3h a day! I live with my family in the suburb of a European city and usually study at home because travelling to the library is mostly a waste of time anyways. But I will find myself either going back to bed because things are too much for me or having to talk with my family or correct stuff they write or whatever. Now they want me to go with them on vacation too because I didn't leave this city for two years but I feel like I will only feel bad about not studying. True but I don't have the fucking time. I guess I'm kind of signed up for it though, let's see if I will be able to study at the beach (I don't like showing off my body anyways ). I mean I'm not studying all the time at home because I actually really suck at being efficient and studying. But the people around me make it only worse - sometimes I wonder how much better off I would be if I lived on my own but this is sadly something I won't be able to afford before a couple years (even if I started working part time I would probably only be able to cover my health insurance and half of a 20m² room) and actually this would also be just another distraction from getting my studies done. Now I also have friends that actually invite me out. Cool I didn't know people want me to come somewhere (I hope they are not asking out of pity and expecting me to say no but I also fear saying no because then I might seem ignorant). But I fucking don't have the time! Every day I have to cook for my brother coming from school and because I tend to get up only a hour or two before that because I wasn't able to fall asleep the night before I end up showering and eating my breakfast a hour before lunch and then just wait until I start preparing lunch and with a full stomach that are again like 3-4h a day wasted. I don't even know anymore but my time is just going to the trash can lately and I have to watch it all the time. Today I'm trying to study but I'm dizzy again and concentrating is so hard. Sure a nice basis to tackle the stuff I didn't understand during the semester either. By now I believe I might have some sort of condition making me incapable of understanding even the easiest things and yet everone keeps telling me that "it's sure not going to be an issue to you you are very intelligent". What do people even know? Maybe I just appeared more clever because instead of socializing with people I spent time reading books alone all the time. But I actually feel really stupid. There's pretty much nothing I'm particularily good at. Wow I already wrote quite some rant and this is not even everything but now I'm going to make some tea and eat a snack, maybe I will feel a bit better and continue studying.