I saw my therapist today... after 16 days... I've really gotten low since I started seeing her in Feb. Because we're digging into a lot of tough things before I am starting DBT... I had planned on asking her if she thought I was Borderline or something like that... my 'diagnosis' is something along the lines of "Unspecified disturbance of the personality structure" if I translate it directly... Apparently that's what they call when I've been harming myself since I was 5, and had suicidal thoughts just as long and can't control my impulses to hurt or kill myself under stress... But before I ever got to talk about that... she said that thing again she has said so many times... how my 'wrong' behavior makes sense because of how I was brought up. I feel sick... but according to her I am the result of a life of abuse... She asked me if I thought I could change, both the SH and the anxiety and my avoidance behavior... I told her I would hope so... but I wasn't sure. I really, really want to live a happy life without all of this. She also told me something that actually surprised me... she told me no matter what I'd most likely always be afraid... but she hoped to make me considerably less afraid. So... will I always have to look over my shoulder even in broad daylight just in case someone would hurt me?? It hurts... I won't lie. It hurts so bad that it hurts physically. They really broke me. I don't know if I really had the delusion that I could be completely over everything one day... even if it should take years and years of therapy... but yeah. Maybe my LDR boyfriend is right... he has been reading up on abused women and rape survivors and what else I have been through... and he told me I was 'amazing' for even trusting him enough to want to meet him. Why can't it just be a diagnosis that can be medicated and let that be it... Just... why... why did the world have to be so cruel to me? How can anyone hurt a child???