I just wish I had a diagnosis to excuse this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ThePhantomLady, Mar 30, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I saw my therapist today... after 16 days... I've really gotten low since I started seeing her in Feb. Because we're digging into a lot of tough things before I am starting DBT...

    I had planned on asking her if she thought I was Borderline or something like that... my 'diagnosis' is something along the lines of "Unspecified disturbance of the personality structure" if I translate it directly... Apparently that's what they call when I've been harming myself since I was 5, and had suicidal thoughts just as long and can't control my impulses to hurt or kill myself under stress...

    But before I ever got to talk about that... she said that thing again she has said so many times... how my 'wrong' behavior makes sense because of how I was brought up.

    I feel sick... but according to her I am the result of a life of abuse... She asked me if I thought I could change, both the SH and the anxiety and my avoidance behavior...

    I told her I would hope so... but I wasn't sure. I really, really want to live a happy life without all of this.

    She also told me something that actually surprised me... she told me no matter what I'd most likely always be afraid... but she hoped to make me considerably less afraid. So... will I always have to look over my shoulder even in broad daylight just in case someone would hurt me??

    It hurts... I won't lie. It hurts so bad that it hurts physically. They really broke me.

    I don't know if I really had the delusion that I could be completely over everything one day... even if it should take years and years of therapy... but yeah.

    Maybe my LDR boyfriend is right... he has been reading up on abused women and rape survivors and what else I have been through... and he told me I was 'amazing' for even trusting him enough to want to meet him.

    Why can't it just be a diagnosis that can be medicated and let that be it...

    Just... why... why did the world have to be so cruel to me? How can anyone hurt a child???
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    To be blunt, there are sick pr*cks out there who want and do harm innocent chilldren. 1 in 4 people suffer sexual abuse at sometime in their life, read here http://www.oneinfour.ie/ It is alarming and disgusting. Please stay in therapy and continue your life as it is, you don't need a diagnosis to know you are suffering although I can see your point in having one to justify how you feel. Please stay as you are and one day you will be free of this, remember that *hug*
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Well, I have a diagnosis now... though I'm not 'happy' with it. I think there's more to it...

    Avoidant Personality Disorder... I've read the description and yeah, the shoe fits... but it doesn't explain the SH I think... a behavior I've had since I was 5 years old.
    And I know I have PTSD, though I still don't have that diagnosis.
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    A diagnosis doesn't always explain every behaviour or symptom you have and it's not always a one size fits all. I have bipolar disorder myself and it is such a broad spectrum and every person with it has different symptoms. The same with depression, BPD and probably AVPD too. The SH could be a coping mechanism from the depression and PTSD, but I am no doctor. I used to go around chasing a diagnosis because I thought it would explain everything and that I would get meds and be cured. But sadly it's not as simple as that. My diagnosis is just a label to explain some symptoms that I suffer with. The meds helped when I took them and I had very intense therapy to help with issues from my earlier life. Whilst I am in a much better place than I was a year ago and fairly stable, every day is a battle to keep me stable. I am learning the ways of self management, something which I never thought I'd be able to do or maintain but as with anything it takes a lot of practice. I don't think you can ever be "over" it, especially abuse but you can certainly get to a better place in your life where it no longer dominates it.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    A therapist cannot give a diagnosis anyway- only a Dr, Psychiatrist, or full fledged Psychologist /Dr of of Psychology can give actual Dx, so while a therapist can certainly tell you what type of symptoms you present and say that you present with characteristics of or whatever doublespeak they choose- it is not Dx. The diagnosis- as mentioned above is useless anyway- the only purpose is so that other professionals have some clue of where to start and in so many mental health issues the symptoms overlap an amazing amount- that is why the criteria requires "6 of 10 of these for such a period of time" and if you look the symptoms will be on 12 other possibilities as well. We all want to know what it is / what the name of your issue is - but in mental health it serves no purpose except to explain a set of symptoms and is not uncommon for 1 person to get 3 different DX from 3 different drs and when read all three seem to fit well.

    The thing to remember is that unlike other illnesses in physical medicine- where a Diagnosis tells a dr what/how to treat to cure something- (strep throat- give x antibiotic for 10 days and the disease is in fact gone) - mental health is not something with a "cure'. There are no definitive tests to show it exists, so no way to state when it is cured. You don't take anti-depressants and become cured from depression- just the symptoms lessen to point that they are no longer a factor in day to day life (at best case). Same as all others- there is not a "cure" for bipolar disorder, or Social anxiety disorder or any of them. All are simply treating symptoms (either with meds or with counseling/coping techniques) and when you are able to suppress the symptoms adequately then you no longer have the "condition" or "disorder" but is not cured- all the same conditions exist as did before- simply does not impact your life or not as negatively.

    So far as "getting over" abuse- no it is impossible and one would not want to. It is an experience- like any other. If you got over it it would mean that it disappeared from your memory. It is very important to remember so that you can try to protect yourself in the future and to protect other loved ones from in the future. Your aim is simply to get rid of the current negative reactions to that experience, not to get over it having happened. We cannot control the past , or the actions other peopel take- but we can control our own actions in the present and use that experience to to remind us not to put ourselves into that situation again and how to keep ourselves safe. While it is very easy to abuse children - for adults to be abused or victimized unless they are being held captive and physically overpowered an adult cannot be victimized without allowing it. They can choose to leave at any time - choose not to be in a place that is not safe or where they are being bullied or abused/mistreated, simply stand and leave if a situation comes up where it starts happening. If that does not happen, and we are not able to control our own actions in the present, then it is just another symptom of some disorder or another, or form of self harm that needs to be treated or coping actions used to stop that behavior. Does not cure the abuse from the past, but it does treat the symptoms that are having the negative impact in the present.
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