I can't find a meaning to life. I am a nihilist, and I can't convince myself into believing anything else. I have no friends or ambitions. I feel like a empty shell of a human. I have been in and out of hospitals ever since the fourth grade. I have these violent urges to kill people that I never act upon but then I transgress the anger onto myself in long fits of self loathing. I take 12-some pills everynight but all it really does is just gives me the illusion of happiness. Because of the amount of medicine I take it makes me super tired. So I sleep for twelve hours a day (sometimes even more). I feel ostrasized from the rest of society. It is hard to maintain relationships because of my bi-polar disorder. I hate noise, I just want total silence but I can't escape it. Im envious of happy people I hate them. I have a headache.