I just wish that there was an off button.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by selfloathing, Sep 10, 2012.

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  1. selfloathing

    selfloathing Member

    I can't find a meaning to life. I am a nihilist, and I can't convince myself into believing anything else. I have no friends or ambitions. I feel like a empty shell of a human. I have been in and out of hospitals ever since the fourth grade. I have these violent urges to kill people that I never act upon but then I transgress the anger onto myself in long fits of self loathing. I take 12-some pills everynight but all it really does is just gives me the illusion of happiness. Because of the amount of medicine I take it makes me super tired. So I sleep for twelve hours a day (sometimes even more). I feel ostrasized from the rest of society. It is hard to maintain relationships because of my bi-polar disorder. I hate noise, I just want total silence but I can't escape it. Im envious of happy people I hate them. I have a headache.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    boy do i understand you hun wish we did have off button just to shut the pain and sadness off Hugs to you
  3. selfloathing

    selfloathing Member

    I am afraid to kill myself, I just wish that the world would end. I spend most of my time on the internet, watching suicides caught on tape. When I watch this I feel a thrill that I have never experienced. It is a nice feeling, almost comforting. I look up pictures of murder and suicide victims both children and adults alike. I wallow in self pity while wishing I could also be a corpse. There is nothing for me to live for. I only wish I could just die.
    I feel unsafe
  4. selfloathing

    selfloathing Member

    is there anyone out there
  5. selfloathing

    selfloathing Member

    I cant take this

  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    If I may conjecture, you seem to be feeding and almost brainwashing yourself into the negative status that you feel you are in. By constantly looking at suicide or death oriented videos and images, you are strengthening that part of your thought patterns. Do you have any interests that are more positive in nature? Do you like music? Exercise? Hiking? Collecting anything? Etc. - Diving deeper in to more positive things to occupy your thoughts may start to reduce the bad things you are feeling. What about your school or job? Can you spend more time engaged in those (which ever one applies)?

    Negative feeds negative and positive leads to a reduction of negative thoughts. I hope that you can try that.
  7. Mckownm

    Mckownm New Member

    Hi there. I feel the same way. I feel like i have nothing to live for.
  8. selfloathing

    selfloathing Member

    Fuck this_
  9. Kaganovich

    Kaganovich Active Member

    Why ask for help if you won't take it?!
    I've felt the same way as you but I've learnt to compartmentalise things and most important of all not to ask for help or attention when I really don't want it and not to engage in things taht I know will trigger or amplify negative feelings. I don't think there is a cure or simple solution to your problems, but you'd be surprised how distracting yourself in some way can actually help. Pickwithaustin is onto something!
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