I keep failing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cursed2016, Jun 19, 2016.

  1. Cursed2016

    Cursed2016 New Member

    I hate my life. I really do. I grew up with an abusive mother and a father who abandoned me. I was molested by two different men growing up. My mother went into a coma when I was a teenager and died a year later leaving me orphaned. The only person who loved me growing up was my grandmother and she died in September. I have worked really hard to make a life for myself and be a survivor. I even earned a master's degree and thought I had found the man of my dreams. Recently he told me he didn't love me and stopped speaking to me out of nowhere. We had been friends for years and he had begged me to be with him, then said the more time he spent with me the more he realized he had no feelings. He won't even speak to me now. I had a called off wedding years ago after a bad relationship with someone else. I just can't seem to succeed in life and nobody ever seems to care about me. All people do is lie to me, abuse me and leave me. I never thought I'd feel this way just for a relationship, but I never thought I'd be so ready to marry someone who would apparently think I was just nothing out of nowhere. I have made several attempts and they have all failed. I can't even succeed at ending my life. I just don't wanna be here anymore. I've been hurt too many times in life. Therapy and medication don't help. I want to be with my grandmother but everything I've tried has failed.
     
  2. Mick R.

    Mick R. New Member

    I feel that way as well. I just don't want to be hear anymore. Those are my exact words. I've been single for 11 years because I'm afraid of the pain that relationship bring. Even when I consider a relationship, I immediately think about the end before I even consider what happens in between. We're never good enough, there is always something that needs to be changed and life seems like a cruel joke. You spend your life chasing something that you can't obtain. I have medication and I've seen therapists, but to me it doesn't seem as though they are able to help anyone. They seems like frauds. I've been think about suicide a lot, and I'm seriously considering going to get a <Mod Edit>.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 19, 2016
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I read your story and are truly are a survivor as that's something to be proud of. Yes, you hurt from someone who you really cared about and really trusted. The hurt you feel is no doubt unbearable and caused you a lot of hurt. No doubt you cry to release the pain from within. Over time with support from us we can help to some heal you are feeling.

    Yes, some days there will be moments which will remind of the care you had for each other but that will hurt. Even though we will never meet, we understand the pain you are feeling. One day, you will find love and the road to love is a troublesome one.

    In your heart of heart, you know your grandmother would be hurting the way you feel. Ok, you say therapy and medication won't worry but have you give it a go? Have you spoke to someone about the horrible experience you experienced when growing up?
    Such a horrible experience does have a long-term affect on relationship with others. I am sorry if I am sounding horrible but I am be realistic. You are hurting as you feel at a low point in your life but you need to surround yourself with people. Being on your own causes inner feeling to question oneself all the time. I am talking from my own experience since joining this forum. Try to take up different activities to keep yourself occupied.

    I respect your decision in not seeking any therapy and medication but please be safe. Your survived so far and that something you need to be proud of as you can it again. There is no question of that but this time do it with our care and support. The people who use this forum struggle everyday but care about anyone else hurting.

    Read the old posts here and you will realise that a lot of people put faces on the outside but feel different within. You are important and never think different.

    Keep posting and I hope you are safe.
     
  4. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Hi Cursed2016, it sounds like you've really been through a lot and we are kinda similar here. I faced severe physical and emotional abuse (not sexual though) growing up, and I thought I met the girl of my dreams in 2011 but she left for no reason 2.5 years later. I have zero desire to even try to meet someone new even though it's been 3 years now. Similar to what Mick said, I'm filled with so much dread and regret that it would honestly be unfair to a woman to have to be with me. My soul was obliterated as a boy and my heart was annihilated as a man and now there's nothing left but this empty husk waiting for it to end.
     
    Unknown_111 likes this.
  5. BarryG

    BarryG New Member

    Dear Cursed2016,

    There's a phrase the I love, "weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning". I know that life gets tough, sometimes more than what we think we can bear, but there's always tomorrow. It's a time to put our pain in the past and healing into the future. I've actually been through some of the things you've mentioned and today I'm very blessed and healed. I had to realize that I really am someone that has value, not just to myself but to others as well.

    I'd like to encourage you to talk to a counselor. Nobody is going to judge you. Please start the process of healing by contacting a counselling service in your area.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2016