I try to talk to people about my problems and most of the time, I can't be totally honest with them. I never let on what's really going on because I don't want others to get depressed about me. My family knows what's going on with me but I still can't be honest and always end up assuring them that I'm fine but I'm not. I lie to them all the time. I always think about suicide but never actually do anything. I've called hotlines and it seems like all their advice just goes right through me. They try to reassure me that things will get better but they never do. I don't have any friends to talk to about this. People try to be friendly with me and I always want to make friends with them but I end up making a terrible impression because I'm depressed. I always end up in this cycle where I manage to cheer myself up a little, usually by someone[someone I don't know personally] trying to cheer me up or by watching a funny movie or something, to where I can be in a decent mood. Then I go out and try to do anything like find a decent job or try to talk to people but I fail at it and end up feeling like killing myself again. I know I should try to get professional help, even though I can't afford it, but every time I think about it, I can't even muster the motivation to pick up a phone. I feel like there's no way out for me.