I keep messing up...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by wallflower, Apr 14, 2012.

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  1. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what to do. Last Friday, possibly, though I'm not totally sure...I went driving with a guy. I didn't know he was drunk, but I already told this woman on the phone we were also smoking pot. Not much. Less than one gram, or a piece of a bud practically. I smoked most of it, he only inhaled once or twice. We were driving around for about an hour or so. I started feeling a little confused, and he was telling me stories and fake crashing into things. Then, he dropped me off at my apartment and kissed me 4 times. We saw a lot of police cars in town and he asked me to go into town to see what had happened, and if not he'd be mad or upset. I'm not sure if it was that night, but he hadn't texted me back that night...and so I texted him again...and again...no answer...a week later yesterday some woman calls from another cellphone, and asks if I knew him. I said I knew him, and was his friend. She told me he had been in a major car accident and is in the ICU or in a coma and might never wake up again, but I'm not sure. The thing is, I blame myself because I had the dumb idea to smoke pot, and he had the dumb idea to smoke pot in his car/ "go for a drive so he could show me his house"

    I just dropped out of college because I can't focus, and it was during the week that I had constant paranoia or fear that something bad happened...of course I tried to deny it to myself because I have schizoaffective disorder. I heard a voice that said, "I had a plan for him. Someone is in critical condition because of your actions. Your actions have consequences. He's in the ICU. He's in a coma" ...I tried to ignore the voices, because that's what you're supposed to do with schizophrenia.

    I started picturing stuff, and then I saw him healthy looking back on this...and wondering... I started feeling all this pain, like chest pains and my whole world coming apart. Then I suddenly felt peace...and I prayed to God and Arch Angel Michael. And I did an Angel Reading and got "A Favorable Outcome"

    This is not the first time I've contacted people who are traumatized, or near death. I realize how much I really loved him, but I couldn't help it...and I know what love is now. I don't want him to die...death is sad, but it's not his time.

    Today my dad got really upset at me on the way home. I can't drive, don't work yet, and I dropped out of college. My dad says that he's spent his whole life taking care of other people, and it's pretty much true. I didn't want to drop out, but I didn't want all bad grades on my transcript...and it was too much stress. I didn't have a chance to tell him about my friend and the accident...because my dad possibly has cancer, and is quitting smoking so he's super stressed. My mom is acting more better than usual, she has BPD and Schizophrenia and is unmedicated.

    Sometimes she rambles to herself for hours. My dad told me my brother failed his finals, and he's coming home this weekend. Now I know why I was obsessing about that night over and over again, and felt rediculous to because it seemed like it was just another event...but, then his mom or sister called, she sounded like a relative...and I burst out crying when I realized he hadn't been ignoring me for the week, and my voices were right--that he was unable to answer. Because he would ignore me sometimes in the past, so I just thought this was normal for him. Then I got a weird feeling, I had a weird feeling that whole time. Like, "he doesn't seem real...or here..." sometimes I felt that way, I think before, when he ignored me...but this was different, it really made me feel sick.

    I've been practically crying all day. My mom's crazy, my dad's dying, someone I care about is in a coma, etc. I don't want to become suicidal, it's just so painful and hard...to be so incapable of handling all this stress. It makes me dissasociate. On the other hand, when I talk to God I try to understand his responses and it helps me to think clearer. But it's confusing when a lot of my conversations with God have to be controlled by medication. I am grateful the medication works, and I'm grateful for all the things people have done for me. I didn't want to let anyone down by not finishing the semester of college. I had only one week left, and I had fallen so far behind. I couldn't focus, and got so depressed I had to start Strattera just to feel anything at all. I should have taken a leave of absence, but felt too pressured because my dad doesn't always understand. He said just because i have schizophrenia doesn't mean I can't be like everyone else.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun your dad is right hun with medication with support therapy you can have a life you want. There are many people working with schizophrenia but they are stable they work hard to stay stable hun It is not your fault your friend has free choice and he choice to smoke you did not put it to his mouth Please get some support for you you look after you now ok hugs
     
  3. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    thanks for the support. I realized that I was over-reacting, because last Friday night I was out of town. This probably happened later on, and at a different bar. I was worried because he hadn't been texting me since that night, so I assumed it had happened right afterwards. He may have been ignoring me before this happened. I'm really sad. The crazy thing is I knew something was wrong, I could sense it was off...but that's just part of being human.

    He was a really sweet guy. I can't really just call the woman, my brother suggested trying to give them space because I was just a friend and the family is who is really struggling.
     
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