I keep trying then I get scared

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by NotMeAnymore, Feb 21, 2009.

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  1. NotMeAnymore

    NotMeAnymore Guest

    I'm a 24 year old female and in the military. I've been having a terrible year. I've always been the person to get trying until I can't give up! but I'm so tired! I have truly attempted suicide once and actually thought that I succeeded, until I woke up! I took some pain killers and drank some vodka, but I think I just did enough to pass out. When I woke up I was frightened. I couldn't believe what i had done, so i just cleaned everything up and acted like nothing happened. Never telling a soul. There have been about 9 or 10 attempts where I almost followed through but then got scared and stopped in the middle. Most of them were with me swallowing pills and I would either get two or three down and stop, or I'd take a lot then quickly throw them up. There was one thime where i was driving up to a cliff with plans to just veer off of the road so that my parents wouldn't know it was a suicide but I got scared and couldn't do it! I just sat on the side of the road crying until a cop came by to see what was wrong and I made up a lie. The thing is...I don't know what to call this. I want to do it at the time, then I don't follow through. And I'm afraid to tell my family. I don't want them to know. I've only really told two people one being my best friend, who only knows of one attempt and my boyfriend, who i realy believe wants me to do it! i take that back, he doesn't but he knows how i feel and he continually makes my life miserable! I bought a house and he helped pay for some things...now he refuses to move out until i give him the money he's paid. The thing is I can't because he lives here and i pay all of the bills so I have no extra money! Most of the times that I've attempted has been directly following a fight between us. He's caught me during a couple of attempts and he thinks I use it as a 'way to get what i want'. Most of them happened when he wasn't home. The time that I actually did follow through with the attempt was on my birthday, the day after thanksgiving, after I got home from working all night. He left for the day and I did it, hoping that it really worked. I'm so afraid of my family finding out. I know this is all so stupid...if I want to do it, I should just do it, if not then let that be the end of it, but even know as i sit with all of the tools i need in front of me...I can't fight the urge, but I'm scared to death! I don't know what i should do...I want to talk to someone but i don't want to be committed! I'm afraid and i can't tell anyone! What should i do?
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello NotMe,
    Welcome to the forum!! Why don't you call the police and ask what you have to do to evict him. The house is in your name alone correct?? Tell him to take the stuff he bought and move!! They are only material items and can be replaced.
    I'm glad your attempts have failed, you sound like a really nice person...Plus I am a former Marine and feel for you!! You have come to the right place for support and whatever advice we can give you..My honest opinion is once you are free from him then things will get better..Please keep posting and let us help you!!Take care!!
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