I'm a 24 year old female and in the military. I've been having a terrible year. I've always been the person to get trying until I can't give up! but I'm so tired! I have truly attempted suicide once and actually thought that I succeeded, until I woke up! I took some pain killers and drank some vodka, but I think I just did enough to pass out. When I woke up I was frightened. I couldn't believe what i had done, so i just cleaned everything up and acted like nothing happened. Never telling a soul. There have been about 9 or 10 attempts where I almost followed through but then got scared and stopped in the middle. Most of them were with me swallowing pills and I would either get two or three down and stop, or I'd take a lot then quickly throw them up. There was one thime where i was driving up to a cliff with plans to just veer off of the road so that my parents wouldn't know it was a suicide but I got scared and couldn't do it! I just sat on the side of the road crying until a cop came by to see what was wrong and I made up a lie. The thing is...I don't know what to call this. I want to do it at the time, then I don't follow through. And I'm afraid to tell my family. I don't want them to know. I've only really told two people one being my best friend, who only knows of one attempt and my boyfriend, who i realy believe wants me to do it! i take that back, he doesn't but he knows how i feel and he continually makes my life miserable! I bought a house and he helped pay for some things...now he refuses to move out until i give him the money he's paid. The thing is I can't because he lives here and i pay all of the bills so I have no extra money! Most of the times that I've attempted has been directly following a fight between us. He's caught me during a couple of attempts and he thinks I use it as a 'way to get what i want'. Most of them happened when he wasn't home. The time that I actually did follow through with the attempt was on my birthday, the day after thanksgiving, after I got home from working all night. He left for the day and I did it, hoping that it really worked. I'm so afraid of my family finding out. I know this is all so stupid...if I want to do it, I should just do it, if not then let that be the end of it, but even know as i sit with all of the tools i need in front of me...I can't fight the urge, but I'm scared to death! I don't know what i should do...I want to talk to someone but i don't want to be committed! I'm afraid and i can't tell anyone! What should i do?