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I keep writing notes

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tropicalisland, May 31, 2016.

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  1. tropicalisland

    tropicalisland tropical island, oh whoa oh whoa

    I keep writing notes for if/when I "check out." I only attempted once, and sort of caugt myself before I followed through, but since then I have started writing two separate notes in case the darkness wins out. It's the strangest feeling. I try to put on the page what I'm feeling and why I'm going even though it won't make sense to the people reading it. I try to soften the blow even though I know that's impossible. But I keep writing thinking I will need it soon, that I'm going to give up eventually and that these preparations make sense, to clarify things while I'm close to even headed. Can anyone relate? Does it make sense to anyone else?
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I sometimes find writing suicide notes therapeutic. Mainly because I can get out how I am feeling on paper. More often than not I just delete the letter afterwards because I feel a bit better.
  3. tropicalisland

    tropicalisland tropical island, oh whoa oh whoa

    I've kept mine in notebooks. The most recent I started working on was this morning. Will likely throw the other one out since it's more... morbid than I would like.
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I often think about what I would write in notes and who I would write them to. I guess it sort of helps because it makes me realize that there are people who care about me.
    Jenumbra and tropicalisland like this.
  5. tropicalisland

    tropicalisland tropical island, oh whoa oh whoa

    That's a good point. I've been thinking about that too.
  6. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    All I can say is-no one has to understand your thought process but you, so the notes are really for you to read. If you want to save them to read again later-great if not toss them. You're right-no one will understand the points you're trying to make in your letter, so why bother? I can relate to your plight although my story is a little bit different than yours. My parents (my mother in particular) was obsessed with money and how much certain things cost. So I spent two years saving up enough money to cover all of the expenses of having my body cremated and all of my belongings moved out and donated to Good Will. I was single, in my mid thirties-there would be no one there to deal with the aftermath so I knew that she would end up having to handle it. My whole life she had always accused me of leaving her to do my dirty work.

    My intention was to take all of that money and mail it to my mother before I did the deed so it wouldn't cost her a penny to be rid of me forever-eventually I realized that she would still hate me so what was the point anyway? Then I decided that I didn't need anymore enemies in my life-least of all people in my own family. In the end I took all of the money I'd saved up and went to Florida to visit with some old friends. It was just what the doctor ordered-I came back feeling a lot better about myself. The crazy thing is-I never even thought about leaving a note for anyone-I knew that no one would understand why I had made that choice.
  7. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    So far I have written only one note - to my counselor stating that I never told him my intentions, I just do not want him to get sued or anything by my mom (she can be like that). The other note I need to write is to my husband and I am dreading it. It will be painful and horrible to tell him how much I love him, how sorry I am that I am not strong enough, and how sorry I am to be such a burden. I am saving that letter until the day before or possibly the morning of -- it is too hard to do before that.
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