I knew it all along

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by planechaser, Jul 16, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. planechaser

    planechaser Well-Known Member

    Eleven months ago, I thought for sure I was going to end my life. Had a couple workers that were trying to help me, but I refused the help. More so just played along with it. I'd give them small details as to what was going on with me. My therapist was quite persistant on finding out when the date was. I didn't have one because I didn't need one. Figured I would know when the time was right.

    One day, I accidently let something slip, and was put on a 72hr hold. Of course I told them what they wanted to here. Knowing what I told them wasn't going to help me one bit. I was okay with that.

    Even though I was so set on suicide, I had met a couple people and thought I found away to stay alive. By drinking and doing drugs. Hell, I figured that if people wanted me to live so badly, then that was my only option. I stopped seeing my therapist, stopped taking my meds, stopped damn near everything except substance abuse.

    The people I hung out with, eventually became my friends. We hung out all the time, and got high multiple times a day. When I wasn't with them, I was getting wasted. Life became managable. Never left my apartment because I was too fucked up to be in public. Somehow I managed to get by for 10 months that way. Even though I was broke.

    Started noticing things during month two. I chose to ignore them because I didnt want to believe it was happening. I have now come to the conclusion that my so called friends were just using me. I had the money to buy the drugs, they didnt. I had the neccessities to get by, they didnt. They 100% used me. Completely took advantage of me.

    Guess I was that desperate to have somebody in my life, that I allowed it to happen. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Ignorance is bliss. I guess anyway. But now, I am so alone. Absolutely no friends. No job. I have nothing. Except me. It's lonely as all hell with just me and my thoughts. I dont know what to do now. I havent been this depressed since last September. I cant figure out why no one wants to spend time with me. This feeling of being so alone is becoming unbearable. What do I do? How do I fix this? I really dont think I can. Am I just meant to be alone and miserable until the day I die or what. So confusing
  2. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Can you get back in touch with the support services that you had? Sending love xxx
  3. planechaser

    planechaser Well-Known Member

    I could, but I don't want to admit defeat. They stopped listening to me anyhow. Even when I would go in and unload on her, she still wouldn't listen to what I had to say. She claimed I wasn't contributing to the sessions, when I thought I was. I'd go find someone new but I cant stand having to start over.

    With me being stubborn like I am, I'll probably continue on this downward spiral until somebody else takes action for me. Thats how it usually works. Thing is though, I want to succeed in life. I do have dreams and hopes. But thats all they are. Nothing more than just ideas in my head. I try to start every day over new, but that only works for so long. Being a loner eventually catches up to me and it becomes damn near impossible to keep going.
  4. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    Plane, I feel for you and your situation. I've been spiraling down for about 4 months, and today I fear I reached the bottom - or the point from which I can't return from.

    It really stinks. I felt what you said - no hopes. That is key. Many people don't understand our despair when we say something like that. We're beyond clear thought and normal problem solving. I have nobody that will help me off the floor. Hopefully you do.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.