I knew it

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Pad, May 1, 2009.

  1. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    I knew I was right, I am unlovable. I have been in an online relationship for almost 2 years now and everything was great, better than great. She was perfect and she said i was too and nothing would ever change that. I told her often how in person i was afraid of dissappointing her because i have a very low vision of myself and she always said no matter what i was like i would still be perfect. I actually believed her too. Well we met finally and only for a couple of days, and i thought things were good. When she got home (she lives in another country) i noticed she was acting differently, kind of cold. and she has now said that we should just be friends.
    I cant believe this, the only person who ever understood me now leaves me after seeing me for a couple of days. There isnt a more understanding person on the planet and yet im left feeling inadequate. I guess i really must be worse than i even thought. ive been crying so much and i cant take it anymore, everything is so empty without her. i feel sick at the thought of going through life without her. i am destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life, i dont expect anyone else to be anywhere near as understanding as she was. this hurts too much to bear
     
  2. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Oh, honey, you absolutely cannot take this personally, dating is so freaking complicated on it's own, but when the person is online and living in another country, it is beyond complicated! Us human being are already complex but as individuals with individual issues, it gets crazy. People seek relationships for all sorts of reasons that they may not even be aware of, and we all act out based on our issues and that usually confuses the hell out of the person we hurt. I can get in completely irrational states of mind and see things as terribly negative but it has NOTHING to do with the guy! It's all about my issues and fears!

    Relationships also take time to build and they have to be nurtured. It is hard enough to do that when the person is nearby and we see them all the time, but when it is long distance and we build up expectations based on our issues, it is so much harder to develop a relationship. This experience you've had isn't unusual, there are so many people who get hurt this way...so you can tell yourself that you aren't loveable but that means that most people the many many people who take that risk with their hearts are also unlovable. Almost everyone who dates a person online and long distance get their heartbroken, but that doesn't mean that they are all unlovable. It just means that relationships are hard and with added complications it's harder. You are only unlovable if you start thinking the worst in everyone and close yourself off to being loved, even then you aren't really unlovable, but hard to get close to. The way you are, the love you felt and the risk you took makes you completely lovable.
     
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Before you two met in person, did you two not sends pictures/photos of eachother?

    Perhaps meeting you in person changed her perception of you or after visiting you, she might of realized how hard it would be to be with you, so it's better to be friends with you. This is obviously all speculation. Have you asked her why she wants to be friends and not in a relationship with you?
     
  4. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    we swapped pics talked on the phone and webcam very often, we would talk about anything it felt so natural. Ive asked her why and i get a list of things that i know are my faults, but things she has already accepted before and told me that she loves me more because of them. Maybe the reality is different but if there is anyone out there that would accept me it would have been her. She still wants me to talk to her and i want to too, i still care about her and would do anything for her, but talking to her as a friend instead of as the girl i love hurts bad.
     
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I guess you should ask yourself are you willing to wait and see if she changes her mind. Then the immediate next question to that is, how long would that take.

    What isn't that clear is that she has listed faults and yet before, she has accepted in the past. Are you able to perhaps able to say what these faults are? If not, then I understand.
     
  6. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    im willing to wait but i wont try to change her mind and i doubt she will.

    the list i got was that i have no self esteem, shy, get nervous easily, dont show enough affection (due to nerves), marks on my body from previous SH problem, poor personal hygene (im not sure, i shower and wash every day but she says i dont do it right?), pretty much that she didnt feel loved even though i spent the whole time she was here with her and trying to make her happy. Im really try to change so maybe i can be loved, but its hard to change who you are. she says she still loves me when we talk and i tell her i love her too but i really think there is something else she isnt telling me. i think she thinks she made a huge mistake once she met me, i really knew she would think that. i even told her that i hoped she wouldnt think differently of me if we met. she spent so many hours trying to convince me nothing could change how she felt for me, that i was an amazing person and i didnt believe her at first. She did convince me and now i feel stupid for letting her. Never again
     
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I think the list she gave you is poor and hollow. But perhaps that is truly how she feels though, either way you are not at fault at all. Also I agree that perhaps when she met you, she might of thought this was a mistake since she was expecting something else but got disappointed?

    I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope that your able to find someone who accepts you for who you are.
     
  8. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    i just dont understand, she knew all this about me before we met. eh. thank you for your replies
     
  9. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    She might of got cold feet about this all and thus decided to change her mind.

    Anyways take care.
     
  10. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Have you posted this before? This reads almost exactly like a condensed version of a really long post I read sometime back.

    Anyway, the problem here really isn't that you're unlovable. It's that you put all your eggs in one basket (as my grandmother used to say). You spent an extraordinary amount of time and effort building a relationship that hinged on her accepting you after all the time you spent dreaming about how great it would be when the day finally came.

    To be blunt, you set yourself up for disaster. When it comes to dating (and particularly if you're as sensitive as you seem to be), you simply can't afford to do that to yourself. You've got to be prepared to move on if things don't work out. More importantly, meeting someone online like that and chatting for an extended period of time before you meet them is a bad idea if you know you're going to be devastated if they meet you and then change their mind. Try meeting people some other way and just be who you are. If they like you, they like you and if they don't, oh well. You will have spent a couple of days at the most and you won't have such a huge investment in the moment of truth.

    You need to tell her that you can't just be friends. Tell her you need someone to love and you thought she loved you. I don't think you can afford to let her string you along with "let's be friends".
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2009