I knew this was all my fault but that still doesn't make hearing it any easier

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Pebble, Mar 29, 2010.

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  1. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    I have always known that how I feel and everything that has happened is my fault but having someone tell you tell you that hurts even more. I thought drs were meant to be understanding and know stuff but they dont actually have a clue. I stopped taking my tablets a while ago because I couldn't trust them, they were taking over me and just made me exhausted all of the time and I didn't go to see my CPN a couple of times because I can't trust her or any of them, I can't risk them knowing whats going on in my head. I had to go to the drs and I thought I could trust her but obviously not. After she realised that I'm not taking my meds she just said that I've brought on how I'm feeling myself :sad: so its my fault and I just keep messing everything up all of the time.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I see what your doc is saying.
    I too decide to go off my meds from time to time and really think it is part of my illness. Can you be honest with your doc and tell them why you went off your meds and see if there is a different meds, one with less ill effects, that you could go on. Sometimes we do these things, self sabatoge maybe?, but I say get back on track as soon as you can, it will help your mental outlook and the feeling of fault that you now have.

    Good luck and be gentle with yourself Pebble.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sometimes doctors have to be hard with us to make us see we need to be looking after ourselves. I stop my meds 3 times and it took along time for me to accept them If you let your mind know it is okay to take them the pills actually work better with less side effects they do. My third try on them and i have been onthem now for months and i am more stable and less anxious. The pills are not controlling you the illness is with the pills you are controlling the illness okay you have control when you are on the medication. take care okay stay strong stay well.
  4. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    But taking the pills wont change anything, there will still be no point and I'l still hate myself and the pain will still be there. I'm scared and I can't tell anyone why because I dont know what is right and wrong anymore?? what is the point. even when you try to get help they don't understand. She asked me how I felt after she said that I'd brought this all on myself??what was I meant to say - well actually I already blamed myself and now if its possible I hate and despise myself even further - if I had told her that what good would it have done. I have to go back and see her next week, I can't even see as far as tomorrow let alone next week
  5. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Boy it sounds like you would like to have an opportunity to express your feelings about meds and what's going thru your head at least.....that's important too. They just want you to take those lil darn things and have you not say anything............that's the problem with this society.

    Why are you on meds?
  6. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    I first got put on anti-depressants when I was younger for depression and then came off them and then when first ended up on phsyc ward they put me on anti-depressants and orlanzipine and diazapine (sorry cant spell them) then antidepressants have been changed a few times and I took myself of orlanzipine due to them making my weight increase loads. then they put me onto risperidone and finally changed antidepressants to mirtazapine. They make me so tired all of the time and I already feel out of it myself without their help. I just dont trust them, feel like I have no control over stuff when i'm on them but all people want me to do is keep swallowing them everyday!
  7. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Right. So why did you eventully become depressed or do you know? Circumstance?

    One of my friends have been on meds for 10 years and they finally discovered they overlooked her thyroid reads and now she is working out of her anti dep meds and correcting her thyroid.

    How old are you now?
  8. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    I dont really know why I ended up so unhappy, I started self harming when I was 15 and didn't have any confidence and was just really unhappy. then things improved abit and when I was 19 I moved away to live with my boyfriend and things went down hill I suppose, we had a miscariage and i didn't handle it very well and ended up with short stint in a hospital then split with him and came home. a year later was seeing a different guy and had another miscaraige (both times were accident pregnancies) I was 21, this kinda tipped me over and I ended up taking an overdose and ended up in local phsyc ward down here for the first time after being in hospital for a short while. thats when they put me on all the other stuff. taken a few overdoses again and been on some meds since, I'm nearly 24 now and nothing has changed really
  9. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Have your doctors ever addressed your confidence issues? That is usually a very deep/intricate multi faceted core of a person....

    Do you think the repetative situation like finding a bf then getting pregnant...then miscarriage....all not but once, but twice , adds fuel to the fire that is already burning?

    Have you tried changing it up a little? For us women, the core issues of love, beauty etc.....

    I was 3 yrs old when I realized I hated who I was, what I looked like etc. After that, I struggled with anorexia/bulimia for over 18+ yrs and my father when I was 14 denied hospitalization due to community embarrassment. Now at 34 yrs old, I fantasize about being "beautiful" and confident.

    I find that I need to treat myself to a nice outfit, makeup or something to keep me going....it's hard....it's really hard. Are you finding little ways to build your confidence...your YOU identity?
  10. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi thanks for the reply sorry I haven't replied for a while, haven't really been with it much or anything or whatever. I dont know anything anymore :sad: no one has ever addressed any issues really - I've never looked at my confidence and self image rubbish and I didn't even get any support with the miscarraiges apart from my family saying the shitty -everything happens for a reason crap! like that ever helps. I never meant to get pregnant, I was on the pill both times but it happened and the idea of being a mum gave me something to live for but I couldn't even do that right.
    I'm always treating myself to something - always spending too much money trying to make myself feel abit better but I just want to give up now! I told my cpn how I was feeling (well abit of it anyways) she just said that 'its sad' what the hell is that meant to mean -- its sad???they haven't a clue how much it hurst, how hard fighting the urges everyday is, if it wasn't for my family I would be gone now.
  11. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Pebble, as hard as it is, finding the right person openly and honestly talk is our only goal. I fired my last psych who flat out said I was the problem per se.....

    In the mean time, since you said no one has ever helped you work thru the confidence issues, how bout use these forums to do that....it's great b/c no one knows who you are and such.

    It helps sometimes to transfer out thoughts that we can't see onto paper or in this case type it out about what it is about yourself?

    One thing I did during therapy was write out all the significant events in my life from 3 yrs old and on and each one, wrote out a caption of my feelings and state of being during that time. You will often see a progression...just like health...you can do a timeline and follow it.

    True, I do the same ....I just spend $1000 on clothes and stupide stuff just to feel good....so now we need to step back and be constructive about things that build us up.....our character...our interests.....skills.....beliefs.....etc etc.

    Example: buying some beautiful fabric on sale and making a special rest pillow for you. You can use seam tape and not a sewing machine and hand stich the closure. This can cost no more than $ 10-15. It would be a specially made pillow for you to rest and a reminder of inner peace of mind.....
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