My friends and I have been training for a marathon and today we finally had our marathon race. Instead of celebrating the accomplishment and being happy as all my friends were after the race all my thoughts were on how lonely and what a waste of life I am. As I watched my friends celebrate with there girlfriends, boyfriends, and family all I could was just realize how I have no one. I watched my friends leave and go home with there familes, boyfriends, and girlfriends and I go home to noone, but four walls and my suicidal thoughts. I was going to back out of the race, because I knew once I saw them with there families all it would do would cause me to slip deeper into the despair I feel toward my life. One of my closest friends that I love that does make me happy is someone that I can never be with for she is already with someone. I have once again found myself trying to think of ways to try and make her and my other friends not like me, because it just hurts so bad to be around them and see what I dont have, but yet hurts just as bad too not be around them. So what do I do? The loneliness and the hate for myself is just so painfull. None of this is new to me for I have been dealing with this for the last five years at least. A lot of people say well suicide is selfish, but I dont see it that way. I have literally fought everyday with myself and thoughts for the last five years and it still has not got any better only worse. I have always said that I would rather die than to be lonely and be the nothing and waste of life that I am.