I Know Deep Down the Right Thing To Do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by IamWorthless, Jun 22, 2014.

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  1. IamWorthless

    IamWorthless New Member

    We all have certain beliefs, whether it's their religion, their opinions on things, things we feel to be true deep down. I know my truth. I am a coward. I desperately want to stop the mental pain with endless sleep but I just haven't found the method I think I can go through with.
    My truth is that I'm also worthless. I am a drain on my soon to be ex-wife, my mother, and my sister. Short term, they would be sad, but long term, time erases their memory of me. I would not be a burden on them any more. I feel like it would actually give me some dignity and honor back. It would allow my wife to do what she has wanted for a long time, to be rid of me and my problems. It would allow my mother and sister a break from the endless venting. My wife is just too good hearted I guess to leave when she knows I have issues. I can take that decision out of her hands if I could just find the courage and do the right thing and die. I have nothing. And am nothing. Time to get on with the inevitable.
    Every single choice I make is wrong. My wife is so done with me and my wrong decisions, that she hardly even speaks or looks at me anymore. I know she hasn't left cause she doesn't want people to think she left me when I needed her the most. But this isn't her fault. It's mine. And the truth I know, deep in my gut, is that it's time to man up and do what need to be done.

    Thank you for your consideration to read this.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Why do you feel like you're worthless? Hope you'll post more of what you're going through.
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    The pain from losing someone to suicide isn't just temporary, it never goes away and no people don't get over it. It screws people up for life. There are people on this website that have lost people to suicide, and they can tell you that it never gets any easier. Why do you think you are so worthless that you need to kill yourself?
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun you are NOT worthless ok and your family love you they would not want to see you leave trust me i know that.
    Please keep talking to us ok sometimes just having someone hear you and understand you helps keep reaching out here ok
     
  5. NWAD

    NWAD Member

    IAW:

    There are many days that I feel the same as you. Sometimes it helps to write out what you've been going though, even if it is anonymously on a message forum.
     
  6. IamWorthless

    IamWorthless New Member

    Thank you all for your kind and considerate action to take time out of your day and read my thoughts.

    I really do understand that many, MANY more people have it worse than me. I also understand that everyone's issues and problems are relative to their own unique situation. But it still does make me feel like poo and shameful to feel bad when others could easily wish they were in my shoes.
    All I can do though, is write about my situation. And apologize in advance if I offend anyone for perceived whining.

    I know that certain things will never change. The situations that make me want to "go away" will never change. Like a lot of people, a big part is my marriage. To me a marriage is a partnership a lifelong coupling of two people that love and care for each other and that will be there through thick or thin, right or wrong for each other. If I'm being honest. I'm scared to leave because I don't have any stability financially( I dont work and I'm applying for disability) or shelter wise. My mom and my sister live together and they are great but it's not my house and who knows how long I'd have to impose. I also don't think I will ever find anyone again, and I don't want to admit failure and become another "divorce" statistic.
    I think about suicide now everyday 5-6-7 times a day and I am not depressed I don't think. Usually in a bought of my depression I want to "run away" from the hurt. I really think my mind has accepted or come to the conclusion that it's the only viable way out. I'm not fearful anymore of it.
    It's just like falling asleep. It doesn't hurt, you aren't aware of anything obviously, and if u can wrap your mind around the nothingness. You aren't aware of anything good or bad you're missing, it's just falling asleep and it's not even scary cause it just happens and u don't even know when it happens.
    If I were to be abducted by aliens tomorrow, I certainly would have left no honorable or memorable legacy. I don't want to be a burden on anyone and the only solution that fit all of my criteria is suicide. Not just for me, but for my wife and mom and sister. It's not fair for any of those 3 to have to care for me.

    Thank you again for reading
    Patrick Hendrick
     
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