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I know eventually the battle will be lost....

#1
Since I simply cannot forgive myself for some of the stuff I have done nor can I quite get over my trauma after having had a very normal existence, I know I eventually will lose this battle. I am in therapy, take medication, pray, etc....it’s futile. I just don’t think I will be able to do it much longer. I shou,d be hospitalized but really what can they do? How and when this will end I don’t know....
I do fear hell but I am already living it.
My family will be devastated but will move on.
Just had to rant....thank you for listening....
 
#2
The trouble is, @Hopeiseverything, is that we are told that depression lies to us. You are lying to yourself when you say that your family will be able to move on, because they NEVER will, EVER. They will live with it for the rest of their lives. The pain will never go away for them. All that taking your life does is pass on the pain to everyone who loves you, so the pain becomes magnified.
I know the fight is hard and that some days are worse than others. But as I have said to you before, let go. Allow yourself the time and space that you need. Try to learn to accept the love and care from those people around you and from all of use here on SF. Keep talking to us, call the crisis team if you need to today but overall keep yourself safe because you will be able to get through this.*console
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#3
All life is a losing battle, the trick is to let the body wear out before the mind, and perhaps make the body last as long as possible.
Have you tried CBT, suffering with an ordinary existence either means you aren't recognising the trauma you have actually suffered, or your thought patterns are not healthy, thats where CBT comes in. Repeatedly following specific thought patterns strengthens the parts and pathways of your brain responsible for those patterns, and as most things in nature follow the path of least resistance, our brains use the strongest pathways to process things unless we make an effort not to. CBT is about training you to use different thought patterns to hopefully train new, heathier pathways. It is a long and uncomfortable road, but can really help, and should get easier as you go.

As for the things you have done, I also have a list of things I will never forgive myself for, and if I am ever asked to take account for those things, I will accept what is coming, but until then, you cant change the past, you can only improve the present and the future, so it is best to try to put as much in the plus column as possible, not for your own sake, but so that you are a net positive to the world. There are too many net-negative people in the world, who cause more harm than good, if you have the presence of mind to see you may be causing more harm, then you are one of the rare ones who can deliberately choose to do good.

Remember, all life is a losing battle, the trick is to make the world really work for its win, to live as long and as well as possible.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#4
The trouble is, @Hopeiseverything, is that we are told that depression lies to us. You are lying to yourself when you say that your family will be able to move on, because they NEVER will, EVER. They will live with it for the rest of their lives. The pain will never go away for them. All that taking your life does is pass on the pain to everyone who loves you, so the pain becomes magnified.
I know the fight is hard and that some days are worse than others. But as I have said to you before, let go. Allow yourself the time and space that you need. Try to learn to accept the love and care from those people around you and from all of use here on SF. Keep talking to us, call the crisis team if you need to today but overall keep yourself safe because you will be able to get through this.*console
Yea, I can second that, one of the things I blame myself for is failing to stop a friend trying to kill herself, if dumb luck wasn't on her side, her life would be on me, I was the last person to talk to her*, and I knew what she had done, I just couldn't talk her into getting help. This blame is with me forever, and I was just her friend for a year, I cant imagine what her family would feel if she had succeeded.

*by phone
 
#5
Thank you for the responses. I am currently doing exposure, response and prevention therapy. It is the type of therapy where you have to accept uncertainty and being comfortable with it enough to avoid doing compulsions.
in my case the uncertainty of my family abandoning me for things I have done, the uncertainty of my potentially committing suicide, the uncertainty of my husband leaving me, etc....
It is extremely difficult...
 
#6
Thank you for the responses. I am currently doing exposure, response and prevention therapy. It is the type of therapy where you have to accept uncertainty and being comfortable with it enough to avoid doing compulsions.
in my case the uncertainty of my family abandoning me for things I have done, the uncertainty of my potentially committing suicide, the uncertainty of my husband leaving me, etc....
It is extremely difficult...
Wow, sounds tough. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.*hug
 

kangaroo2

Well-Known Member
#7
Sometimes I think of current upcoming events that I want to learn about what happens. This gives me something to stay alive for.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#8
Thank you for the responses. I am currently doing exposure, response and prevention therapy. It is the type of therapy where you have to accept uncertainty and being comfortable with it enough to avoid doing compulsions.
in my case the uncertainty of my family abandoning me for things I have done, the uncertainty of my potentially committing suicide, the uncertainty of my husband leaving me, etc....
It is extremely difficult...
Wow, i thought you were saying you had a normal existence, guilt, repeated abandonment, and uncertainty is pretty heavy stuff. I hope things get better for you, and whatever you blame yourself for, I still maintain that if you have the presence of mind to accept blame and acknowledge wrongdoing, you are better than most.
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#9
Wow, i thought you were saying you had a normal existence, guilt, repeated abandonment, and uncertainty is pretty heavy stuff. I hope things get better for you, and whatever you blame yourself for, I still maintain that if you have the presence of mind to accept blame and acknowledge wrongdoing, you are better than most.
Ain't no one keeping score, man.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#10
Ain't no one keeping score, man.
I know no one is keeping score, Im just saying that whatever mistakes you have made, you cant be that bad of a person if you are capable of accepting THAT you made mistakes. Too many people go through life fucking shit up and go to bed at night confident they are saints among sinners. Hopeiseverything blames him/herself for things he/she has done, and I dont know how bad those things are, but Im saying I dont think HE/SHE is a bad person.

(Hopeiseverything doesnt list gender on their profile, so not sure which pronoun to go with...)
 
#11
I did have a very normal existence until 3 years ago when I suffered a trauma. I then what can only be described as manic stuff and I hurt a few people. Been forgiven but I cannot forgive myself. If not for the love of my family and my fear of hell, I would be gone,
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#12
I know no one is keeping score, Im just saying that whatever mistakes you have made, you cant be that bad of a person if you are capable of accepting THAT you made mistakes. Too many people go through life fucking shit up and go to bed at night confident they are saints among sinners. Hopeiseverything blames him/herself for things he/she has done, and I dont know how bad those things are, but Im saying I dont think HE/SHE is a bad person.

(Hopeiseverything doesnt list gender on their profile, so not sure which pronoun to go with...)
I fail to see how it matters if you're a "bad person" or not. Life sucks and then you die.
 

KM76710

SWCA3110-SWHF625
SF Supporter
#13
I did have a very normal existence until 3 years ago when I suffered a trauma. I then what can only be described as manic stuff and I hurt a few people. Been forgiven but I cannot forgive myself. If not for the love of my family and my fear of hell, I would be gone,
If they are able to forgive then take it as a message from those harmed to cut yourself some slack and give yourself a break and continue living without blaming yourself, I hope you are able to.

Other than punk kid stuff when younger in school and the like I have harmed five people. I regret only one because it affected a person's career, family and future and job related. I forgave myself for that.

The other four were physical in nature and in my opinion they got what they deserved...play stupid games, win stupid prizes and would act in the same way if such things happened again without hesitation or guilt.
 

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