I know i can't

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by horsie_gurl, Mar 29, 2007.

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  1. horsie_gurl

    horsie_gurl Member

    I know i won't cut, or I hope I wont, but i can't say for sure because each time I do, it's not planned.

    My sister is just driving me insane. She has something wrong with her foot and has a boot on to keep it stiff, but she can walk. However yesterday i got this bump on the bottom of my foot that feels like im stepping on a rock all the time. Its gotten so sensitive recently and its almost impossible to walk. She can't even get up off the couch to go put things away or find something. I'm still the one doing all the work. Thats just a peeve of mine right now. Its nothing to hurt myself over.

    Tennis, ah that lovely sport that will kill me but i can't live without it. I have been doing amazingly terrible lately. Like way off. Completely. and i can't help it, i dont know what has changed but im not doing something the way i used to. Of course we can't afford lessons and no one on the team is willing to help me or coach me a little. I'm a little passed frustrated. That was last week. things are just getting impossible, and with the foot problems i've been having recently - tennis is more pain than fun. I can't ever win either, some people say its my negative attitude but i just think if i could fucking play like i used to maybe i wouldn't get a negative attitude now would i?

    Being forced into things just pisses me off. there's this program i do on the weekends, im not going to get into it cause its too complicated. Everyone is telling me i should ugrade to the next ability level. I've been 3 for 2 1/2 years. So i should be a 4 by now. But im just so tired of failing at things lately i don't think i could handle failing that upgrade again.

    It just seems that everything is going downhill, and i have made every effort i can think of to make it better but its like climbing uphill in mud, you just slip more than you climb. I try to stay for extra practice at tennis but all i get is the damned bump under my foot and im just getting more frustrated at myself. I try to practice my skills for the ugrade but someone always finds something wrong. I try to take care of the family to help my mom but it seems my sister just loathes me more. I try to keep friends but somehow a slip of the lip on my part splits us for good. I just dont want to deal with any of it anymore, but there is no where to escape. i used to take the bike and go play tennis at the park, but my bike is stolen and the tennis just pisses me off. I used to talk to my friends but they are all annoyed at me and i used to draw but i've seen what other people can do...why am i even trying?

    I just want it to end now
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