I know I don't deserve help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MouseSLP, Sep 24, 2011.

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  1. MouseSLP

    MouseSLP Member

    I know I don't deserve help.
    I'm the worst kind of person.
    No-one knows me.
    I have a wonderful family, fantastic husband, wonderful children. But no-one knows me.

    2011 has been a hard year for me, I've never been this low before, and never understood people with suicidal feelings. But now I understand all too well. I can't control it, I can't snap out of it, and I am so scared.

    My first thoughts of suicide were in April, but it was small, and hardly there, I controlled it. All I had to do was step off the balcony, close the blinds and not look at the lake.

    But now it's daily, it's all day, every day. I'm hardly sleeping. And these thoughts are hard to fight... every day is a stuggle

    I have a professional career, I'm not supposed to fall apart like this, but I'm in pieces... I don't know how i can go on... I love my family, I love my husband so much... but every moment of every day i wonder if he wouldn't be better off without me, i'm such a bad horrible person, he deserves better, i don't want to hurt him, but if i wasn't here anymore that would be easier than dealing with the person i am.

    i hate myself

    but i'm trying to fight it
    i know suicide is not the answer, i know it would hurt him more

    i've sought medical help, 60mg prozac per day, psychotherapy weekly, and gp only precribing meds weekly, but it's not helping, i'm getting worse... my plan is almost complete, i can't think of many more delaying tactics

    and right now its so hard
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni


    I'm so sorry to hear things are so difficult for you and that the suicidal thoughts are getting worse day by day.. sounds like you've really tried distracting yourself from these thoughts and reached out for some help. Is the psychotherapy helping at all? Does your psychotherapist know how you're feeling? If not it may help to talk through these feelings in depth with him/her.. I know when I was in therapy a few years ago I talked about the suicidal ideation in some depth and it helped (for a while anyway!).. kinda gave me a different perspective and could understand a little more where the thoughts were coming from.

    Really hear you feel you don't deserve help, that you love your family etc and have a professional job.. but i just wanted to point out that depression can happen to anyone, whether they have a job, family, money, etc. or not.. I realise you'll already know this but just wanted to say it anyway as you seem to be beating yourself up for not being 'happy' despite having these things in your life. Does your husband know what's going on for you at the moment?

    Sorry for all the questions.. i do hope you're able to work through and fight these feelings. Keep writing here if it helps, you're not alone

    Jenny x
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Why do you feel the worst kind of person? You are raising a family and working, which seems like wonderful things?
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sounds like a hard time for you! :hug:

    Talk to your therapist and doctor about all your suicidal thoughts and feelings. Be open and honest. It's hard, I know, but if the doc and therapist don't really 'know' what you're thinking, it's harder for them to give you the right help. Talking can help us get to the core of whatever is causing our thoughts and feelings.

    I hope you feel better soon! Please stay safe! :hug:
  5. readytodoit

    readytodoit New Member

    I've thought about suicide since I was 5 years old. When I was 23 a random doctor but me on prozac. I didn't realize it at the time but it saved my life. I took it till 2001 and my current doctor took me off, saying that study's showed it stopped being effective after 10 years. He messed with my head with "new" drugs and finally i just said "STOP". I then went till last year before i asked for something else. I was then put on cymbalta. 30mgs and now 60mgs. It helps my fibro but thats it. Through my life i've always said prozac saved my life as i had not been in such a dark place since that time. Now i'm back in the dark place and on monday i'm going back in for prozac. when i think of suicide i find something to hold on to. at first it was my kids, now they are grown. I just found in March that my husband has been having an affair with my mother who has lived with us 22 of the 25years we been married. I walked in and caught them in the process of oral. alot has happened since March but they still are in my house and its a daily fight to hold on. i'm holding on to my grandaughter now. she just had her 2ed b-day. The day i signed up to this forum I felt like I was going to do it, I've had many, many years to figure out how. Now that i made it though these last few days I can't leave my baby girl. I may feel different tomorrow but today I made it and so can you. give the prozac time to work and find that one thing that you can hold on to. I'm going to hold on and see if the prozac can't clear up my mind like it did before so I can make sense of this horrible mess i've discovered myself in. to me, its unthinkable. I have a million unanswered questions. but i'm going to hold on, please hold on to. please.:console:
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I can relate to feeling suicidal. Always leaves me feeling helpless.. like I want to escape. It's terrible to hear that your husband was having an affair with your mother... especially the situation in which you caught them. Anyways, welcome to the forums. I hope you find this place comforting and helpful to you during these difficult times.
  7. readytodoit

    readytodoit New Member

    Thank you. I'm not ready to tell my whole story right now. I don't want to relive it at this moment. I'm 43 and I thought I had lived it all and survived it all but believe me, I haven't. Thanks for being nice.
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    You're very welcome. You take good care....Alex
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