I know I need help but don't know if anyone can...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostbutterfly, Dec 10, 2011.

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  1. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    I am not sure why I am here other than hoping this might be a last resort for me.. I have been here before a long time ago, and eventually things seemed to get better so I did not feel suicidal anymore. But right now, today, I am feeling so horrible because of several things, I am just not sure I really can or even want to get through this day. I really don't even know where to start. I know everyone has a story here and most are all the same, people go through bad things. I understand this. But this is why I feel there is no hope for me at all... I feel I just cannot live with the severe pain and hurt I feel right now.
    I have tried all the things most people here will probably tell me I need.. I have tried counseling, meds, I even admitted myself into a hospital last year because I was very near the point of actually trying to commit suicide. I was in there a week and only felt better when I got out because for one, I was glad to have my freedom back, and two, the very reason I went in there in the first place was because my boyfriend wanted to break up with me and I could not deal with it... But while I was in there I had not given up hope for us and we got back together when I got out. Had it not been for that, I am not sure I would have really felt any better when I left.
    There is so much I have to talk about but I just don't know how to even start. The main reason I feel like I do right now is my boyfriend. I guess I can call him that. We have been together almost two years and lived together most of that time. I have always had a feeling though that he still had feelings for his ex wife. And last night I did something I shouldn't have and those feelings were somewhat confirmed. Now, I am feeling as though he does not really love me and here it is two weeks before Xmas and I feel like I do not have him like I thought I did and it hurts so bad because I love him with all my heart and soul. More than anyone I have ever been with in my life.
    And that is not all.. there is much more to the story. But the other part is my house is getting ready to be foreclosed on and I may have no choice but to move within the next two months or so.. And I am very upset and depressed about that. Now if he leaves or I lose him, which I feel like I kind of already have emotionally anyway, I will have nothing.
    All I have though about all day is what I can do to actually die.. I have even tried looking up online how many pills I would need to take to successfully end it all. I know that is not very good or reliable information, but I am desperate to not be in this pain anymore...
     
  2. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    The emotion and grief and feeling of being lost and helpless I feel right now are so overwhelming. I have never wanted to just go to sleep and never wake up more than I do right now. I feel so horrible for feeling that way though because I have two daughters who I love dearly. But I feel so much guilt because I feel like I have not been the best mother to them and I feel like if I die that will just make things even worse. All I can do is think back to when they were little and how I wish I could go back in time and change how I did things and let them know how much I really loved them because sometimes I don't think they really know.
     
  3. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    Then the other part of it is I love my boyfriend so much. And I really believe he loved me the same... I just don't know what to think now after what I saw last night. I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me and I am just reading too much into it, or if I really finally was able to see things for what they are and what he has been hiding from me and now I am just feeling the pain from it all?
    What does not make sense at all is he had talked to my youngest daughter just a few days ago and told her how he planned on proposing to me when he did. He did not tell her a specific time that he was going to, but had told her how he would do it ... I just do not understand. My mind is so lost and confused right now. All I can think is how he hates me. And how much I love him so much.

    He had also said some things to me the other night that made me really think that he loved me and wanted to be with me more than anything. Then the next night he is telling me how some girl was checking him out at the gym and how he saw another girl he works with when we were at the store and how a guy he knows at work was wanting to get with her because he thinks she has a nice ass... I am thinking why do you want to tell me this knowing it would upset me? I guess maybe I should not even care or be that upset about something, but it did bother me. And so since that night I was mad and upset that he even told me this stuff.... So last night when I came home he was in bed and would hardly talk to me, so I got mad and said it would probably be best if he left and that I didn't think it was gonna work. He just said remember you said that. And I tried talking to him telling him I really didn't want him to leave but that it just really hurt me about what he had said... Of course he didn't care and would not listen. So I just left the room and cried most the night. So this morning I sent him a message before he went to work. He never replied to it. So now I have all day to sit here alone and think about what he is going to do and how he really feels about me.
     
  4. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    Then the other part of it is I love my boyfriend so much. And I really believe he loved me the same... I just don't know what to think now after what I saw last night. I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me and I am just reading too much into it, or if I really finally was able to see things for what they are and what he has been hiding from me and now I am just feeling the pain from it all?
    What does not make sense at all is he had talked to my youngest daughter just a few days ago and told her how he planned on proposing to me when he did. He did not tell her a specific time that he was going to, but had told her how he would do it ... I just do not understand. My mind is so lost and confused right now. All I can think is how he hates me. And how much I love him so much.

    He had also said some things to me the other night that made me really think that he loved me and wanted to be with me more than anything. Then the next night he is telling me how some girl was checking him out at the gym and how he saw another girl he works with when we were at the store and how a guy he knows at work was wanting to get with her because he thinks she has a nice ass... I am thinking why do you want to tell me this knowing it would upset me? I guess maybe I should not even care or be that upset about something, but it did bother me. And so since that night I was mad and upset that he even told me this stuff.... So last night when I came home he was in bed and would hardly talk to me, so I got mad and said it would probably be best if he left and that I didn't think it was gonna work. He just said remember you said that. And I tried talking to him telling him I really didn't want him to leave but that it just really hurt me about what he had said... Of course he didn't care and would not listen. So I just left the room and cried most the night. So this morning I sent him a message before he went to work. He never replied to it. So now I have all day to sit here alone and think about what he is going to do and how he really feels about me.

    I am in so much pain and if he does leave me I will be devastated. But the thing is I don't even want to wait until that happens because I cannot deal with it happening. I want to be gone before it happens. I want to not feel the pain anymore of not knowing for sure how he really feels about me.
     
  5. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    I hate myself so much for not being stronger and not just being able to let go and be done. But I don't want to be done. I love him so much and he is all I have known for two years. I know that doesn't seem like that much but it means so much to me. We have been through so much together. When we first got together we were both out of work and just barely making it. We struggled together and had a lot of ups and downs. We even broke up for a few months last summer, but we got back together and have been together since. We have since both got jobs and have started getting back on our feet. He has even told me many times how good it feels to have worked through all that together and to know that we made it and are doing better now. I just don't get it... if he still cares for his ex, and wants to get back with her, why would he have led me on for all this time... and more importantly why would he have told my daughter what he did about asking me to marry him?? Why?? I wish I knew but I don't... It hurts so bad not knowing for sure how someone really feels for you. Then again I feel like maybe I am just over reacting to all of this, but also I do not want to think that because I am afraid if I try to think good and positive about things that I will be even more let down in the end.....
     
  6. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    I honestly think that I would be better off not being here anymore... I think that I am not doing anyone any good by being here. I cannot be the happy person I once was and I cannot be there for my daughters like I want to be. I feel like I am a burden more than anything. I feel like I have no real friends anymore. A lot of people act like they are friends but when it comes down to really needing to talk to them or anything they are not there for me...
    I would give anything for things to be different. When I was younger, I never wanted to think that when I was older, my life would end by my choice and because I was so horribly depressed and miserable that I just did not want to be here anymore.
    I want to think that there was a better way in life for me, but I guess after all these years of trying, there isn't.
     
  7. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    I honestly think that I would be better off not being here anymore... I think that I am not doing anyone any good by being here. I cannot be the happy person I once was and I cannot be there for my daughters like I want to be. I feel like I am a burden more than anything. I feel like I have no real friends anymore. A lot of people act like they are friends but when it comes down to really needing to talk to them or anything they are not there for me...
    I would give anything for things to be different. When I was younger, I never wanted to think that when I was older, my life would end by my choice and because I was so horribly depressed and miserable that I just did not want to be here anymore.
    I want to think that there was a better way in life for me, but I guess after all these years of trying, there isn't.
    It seems since i was young there have been problems and so many things that have happened that have made me to this point of how I feel today. I know it has to be more than just not feeling loved by my boyfriend. I know it is. It is a combination of things that have happened in my life that I cannot change but have to live with every single day.
    And I just do not want to live with them anymore or go through the pain everyday I feel. I want to be happy and feel loved and know that I am loved but how can you do that when all you feel is hurt and resentment inside all the time? I know that life is hard and people all go through bad things in life. I know I am no different than anyone else. So in some ways, I feel like because I am no different, how would I ever get the help I really need or even understand what my problem really is?? I feel like people just get treated them same way, they are given some medicine to help them feel better and to help them put on a fake smile and go on through life like nothing happened. I have tried that. It does not work! I want to be truly happy. And I want to understand why I feel the way I do and be able to overcome my pain and problems and be able to move forward and be happy in life.
    It just does not seem like that is possible.
     
  8. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    I often think about what it would be like to die... I think is it just like going to sleep and never waking up? Would I feel things? See things? Is there a Heaven or Hell? I really do not believe in either of those things. I feel like when we die, we just die, there is nothing more to it. We go to sleep and never wake up. Part of that sounds good to me... knowing I would never feel this pain and hurt again. Knowing that no one could ever hurt me again. But part of it hurts because I do not want to leave my girls. I love them so much and they are my world. But because of my depression and the way I feel about so many things, I cannot be the mother I want to for them and cannot be there for them like I wish I could. I would give anything to get past this pain and not be depressed. But that is something I am pretty sure I will never be able to do. I have been depressed off and on most of my life, and I feel like it is just getting worse lately because of all the things I am going through. I am losing my home, I feel like I am or have already lost my boyfriend, who I love very much, and I feel like a horrible parent because of my depression. I just do not know where to turn, because I have very few real friends who seem to care or be there for me like I need them> I realize everyone has problems and things of their own going on, but I really feel like I need just one good friend who would be there for me and really understand and know what I am going through and make me believe that everything is going to be ok.

    Because right now, I feel so alone. I feel like I am so lost that no one even really knows I exist.
     
  9. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    I often think about what it would be like to die... I think is it just like going to sleep and never waking up? Would I feel things? See things? Is there a Heaven or Hell? I really do not believe in either of those things. I feel like when we die, we just die, there is nothing more to it. We go to sleep and never wake up. Part of that sounds good to me... knowing I would never feel this pain and hurt again. Knowing that no one could ever hurt me again. But part of it hurts because I do not want to leave my girls. I love them so much and they are my world. But because of my depression and the way I feel about so many things, I cannot be the mother I want to for them and cannot be there for them like I wish I could. I would give anything to get past this pain and not be depressed. But that is something I am pretty sure I will never be able to do. I have been depressed off and on most of my life, and I feel like it is just getting worse lately because of all the things I am going through. I am losing my home, I feel like I am or have already lost my boyfriend, who I love very much, and I feel like a horrible parent because of my depression. I just do not know where to turn, because I have very few real friends who seem to care or be there for me like I need them> I realize everyone has problems and things of their own going on, but I really feel like I need just one good friend who would be there for me and really understand and know what I am going through and make me believe that everything is going to be ok.

    Because right now, I feel so alone. I feel like I am so lost that no one even really knows I exist.

    The other things I wonder about with dieing, is who if anyone, would even miss me. I know my girls would and that is what hurts the most and makes it so hard for me to feel this way. But aside from them, I often wonder if anyone else would? Would my boyfriend? I don't even know. he might for a short time, but I think he would soon move on and forget about me. I just think that no one really cares that much about me to even really miss me.

    That is a horrible feeling knowing that you have been in this world almost 40 years, and that you have made no more of a mark on it than that.....
     
  10. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    I feel like I could write here all day and it would not matter or make anything better... I feel like all I am doing is putting on here what is going on through my head, and that it is not making anything different.
    I just saw my youngest daughter for a little bit and she asked why I was so upset about my boyfriend, I told her a little of what happened and started crying. Her Bday is next week. She is going to eat with her friends. I find it so unfair that I cannot be happy and be here for her like I wish I was! I hate this. I hate myself. I hate life.
     
  11. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    I feel like I could write here all day and it would not matter or make anything better... I feel like all I am doing is putting on here what is going on through my head, and that it is not making anything different.
    I just saw my youngest daughter for a little bit and she asked why I was so upset about my boyfriend, I told her a little of what happened and started crying. Her Bday is next week. She is going to eat with her friends. I find it so unfair that I cannot be happy and be here for her like I wish I was! I hate this. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate the fact I feel like I am never going to have anyone in my life who loves me the way I want to be loved. Or be true to me. I have been hurt so many times by people in my life, I really dont even know why I give anyone a chance anymore? I cannot believe I do really. I think I am just stupid.
     
  12. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    Is there anyone out there at all? Who really cares about anyone else? I just do not understand. I want to but I don't. I wish I did not care as much as I do about the people in my life who have hurt me so much... I wish I didn't. I know that I have let so many people hurt me, and I hate myself for that. I wish I could go back 20 years and relive everything I ever did and how I did things. I would change so many things in my life. I would never have let any guys hurt me. I would have been a better mother to my girls. I would never have got married just to get divorced a few years later. I would have done everything differently... But now I can't. It is too late. I am almost 40. When I read that and realize what that means it is horrible. It scares me and it depressed me. The best years of my life are over! I have no more fun times ahead. I am done.
     
  13. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    I feel like maybe it would be a good thing if I was not here anymore. Really I do. I think that me going through this pain is only being projected onto the two people I love most in this world and that is my two daughters. I feel like they are the ones who are suffering the most from my depression and me feeling the way I do and not being able to be there and be a good parent for them like I want to be. I know most people would say it would only make things a lot worse by not being here for them at all but not knowing the full story or situation it is hard for anyone to really determine what would be the best thing for anyone. I know that I would love to be here for them and be the parent I never was for them, but in my heart I do not feel that is even possible because of all the pain and suffering I am dealing with right now in my heart...
     
  14. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    I wish there was someone out there that I could talk to. I mean someone who would really listen to me and know how I feel and be able to talk to me and get me through this...
     
  15. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    And yet all I can do is think about him... how I miss him, how I wish I knew for sure if he really loved me and wanted to be with me and not his ex... how I wish that I knew that but I know deep down I never will...
    I just wish that I could talk to him right now. But even that would probably not help because he never wants to seem to talk to me about things like this.
     
  16. lostbutterfly

    lostbutterfly Member

    And yet all I can do is think about him... how I miss him, how I wish I knew for sure if he really loved me and wanted to be with me and not his ex... how I wish that I knew that but I know deep down I never will...
    I just wish that I could talk to him right now. But even that would probably not help because he never wants to seem to talk to me about things like this. There are many times when he will open up to me and talk to me about things and tell me things that I would not expect him to... but then there are times when I will bring up something like this or whatever and he does not want to hear or talk about it. I guess I can understand to a point because I would not want to deal with or hear negative things either. But it is more than that. I just need his reassurance more than anything And I guess I have to realize that he should not always need to be reassuring me. That has always been my problem. Needing to be reassured by someone that they love me or want to be with me. But in this case, I feel like I am right in needing that because of what I saw that he said to his ex that definitely makes me feel like he still cares for her and even if he was just trying to make it out to her like he wanted them to get along and be friends for their son, I think there is more to it than that... I don't know anymore. It is hard to say and probably something I will never really know. I may end up dieing and never knowing the truth. :(
     
  17. gripster

    gripster Member

    Hey someones listening! I am older and have similar doubts and insecurities, read some of the other stories on here, there are young kids on here about to make the make the same mistakes as you and me, I too have those doubts about someone, seems crazy at my age but its just as difficult to try to keep going, When you are young you are allowed to make mistakes they can mess up your life but at least you have the time to try to make changes. You have a daughter, I wish I did, it would give me a sense of purpose to keep going, I have given myself a couple of months as I did before the last time I felt this way, but it seems more serious this time. Keep reading the stories on here, you will find some solace in that someone is not coping with something you can, its helping me to speak to people and here their replies I cant cope with this 'just listening' that the professionals do it may work for some but we are all different. I want to hear peoples opinions they may be different they may be right or wrong but I need to hear it, Write again it will help
     
  18. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I'm listening (reading) I haven't read all of your posts yet.

    I'm glad you're here, it's a safe place where you can express what's on your mind.

    People here care, and you will get responses. You'll get some support and encouragement.
     
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