I know i shouldn't, but I can't stop

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lestat, Mar 25, 2016.

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  1. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    For around two weeks now I have gone back into isolation. I'm going through a breakup and it's killing me. I was feeling positive a few days ago but recently I have just felt like crap.

    I honestly haven't got out of my house for the whole time. I barely get out of bed and I'm going insane.

    The stupid thing is that I know all the right things to do, yet I just don't do them. I'm not sure if it's my medication or maybe I just have something wrong with me. This isn't the first time I've done this... I have spent nearly a year indoors in the past... But I don't want to waste my life. I'm 33 and I want to find someone who I can love again. I want to get healthy. I want to live.

    Yet, I can't. By the time I think about doing things my day is gone and I'm thinking "I'll do it tomorrow" and that never happens.

    I have a Cpn which is a nurse that comes to see me... But I lie to him and tell him I'm Ok. I don't know why... I just do.

    I have zero motivation. I think if this continues I'm going to be suicidal soon. I can feel it creeping up on me again. I'm emotional and just shit.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Can you try to be honest with the CPN the next time he's there? I know, easier said than done... *hug*
  3. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I will. I don't think it's something I'm doing on purpose. I just act ok when I'm around him because that's what I do around people. I need to be honest though.

    I don't know when I'm seeing him next though
  4. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    Hey Lestat, I'm not dealing with a break up, but I am doing the same things as you are, I literally did not shower or leave the apartment in 2 weeks until yesterday for my doctor's appointment and have very little motivation. Do you like your nurse? If so, please call him and let him help you. Also, is there anyway to make yourself go outside? I didn't have to leave my place because my mom dropped off food to me, so I told her to not to anymore so I would have to go outside to grocery shop. Good luck to you and let me know if you figure something out.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry you're feeling this. But remember it's a strength that you know that it's wrong, and that while you don't seem to be doing them right now, you know the right things to do... that is giving you a massive one up on this.

    Are you able to contact your CPN via email or phone? If you could write to him, maybe that would be easier? You could tell him the truth in that when you're feeling brave, telling him that you sometimes fake being better than you are?

    And I know how tempting it is to just stay inside... I personally try to trick myself to get out more... I have to go shopping for groceries myself as I don't have anyone to do stuff for me... and I often make myself 'forget' things I am running out of on my grocery list so I have to go back the next day or the day after... I know it's not healthy for me to stay inside... but yeah... it's tempting to just stay away from the world.
    Lestat likes this.
  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Lestat, is it fear or lack of motivation that keeps you from going out. With me its fear, on days when my anxiety is high I'm afraid of having a panic attack outside. Of course when the depression is bad, I just want to lay in bed and do nothing, it's a no win situation. I have been forcing myself to take the dog out, if only for 30mins in the park. Sorry you're going through this, my friend, it's terrible having to battle your mind as well as life's everyday problems. I find I can't even get the usual stuff done, like oil change in the car, taxes etc......keep putting them off for another day, which never comes. Take care.
  7. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hi, thanks for your reply. I get my shopping delivered so I don't need to leave. I have a massive stock of medication so I don't really need to go to get that for many months if I need. I have been doing some yoga in my house to try to stay fit... Though I'm not doing great.

    I think my nurse is going on holiday. I tried calling today but he didn't pick up or call back. They seem to have holidays constantly. He is only for my mental health as I think they're trying to get me out now as in their minds I'm Ok.

    I'm glad you said that you're doing the same thing. It's hard isn't it? I don't know if what I miss is my ex or just being with someone. I keep thinking I'll never find someone as good as she was... Even though she betrayed me. It's crazy to think these things. It's 24/7 though.

    Jenumbra likes this.
  8. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I don't know if it's fear or lack of motivation. Maybe it's both. I just don't want to go outside... My anxiety right now makes it hard. I'll try to go out though.
    Brian777 likes this.
  9. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    Yeah, it's really annoying cause I know all the right things to do too, but actually doing them seems so hard right now. I don't know if this would be more helpful or painful, but it might be fun to go on a dating site and just check out profiles to get your mind off her and get hopeful about new people.
  10. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I have already done that. In many ways it's made me worse because I feel like it's a cattle market. It all seems so cold. I have been using it though. When we first broke up months ago I went on a few dates. I just couldn't keep going because I wasn't over my ex at the time.
    I think I am now... Over her that is. But I just prefer talking to people and doing things that way.
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