I know I'll kill myself one day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Uulanda, Oct 10, 2010.

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  1. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    Hi all,

    Since I was very young (about 3/4) I've always been obsessed with wanting to kill myself and have always been very depressed. I've gone through so many "recoveries" I know that whenever I'm feeling happy, it won't last long. I've tried being positive but it has always ended in shambles.

    My point in this is that I know that the way I die will not be natural. I'm so very almost definite about this, I cannot describe it. I know that in the end, I will get to a point that I will attempt it, and either succeed or not. If I do, great. If not, I'll try again soon enough after that. If I get sectioned (which seems pretty likely) then I'll take whatever they throw at me, get discharged and then try it again.

    I've been on AD's for a good few years now and they still have yet to do anything about my suicidal ideology. I've tried therapy, that never helped.

    The reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I'm just waiting until a time when I can do it and be done with it, not worry about hanging around unnecessarily or getting people angry at me.

    If you read this thanks and sorry for wasting your time, I really don't even know what help this will provide for anyone.

    [NOTE] I rewrote this a couple of times (so apologies for any breaks in reading flow) because I tried rephrasing a section but in the end took it out because I know if I say it people will think I'm a monster.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi..you are not a waste and quite deserving of support and caring...have you spoken to your physician to tell him/her that the medication is not effective? maybe this is a place to start as there are so many medications that can be prescribed...hope you feel better and know you are cared about here...big hugs, J
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You know you can be happy then and you have seen the light at times gotten out of the darkness and you have been well. Time to try newer medications out there saphris others that are improved and work on hard to heal depression and other conditions call your doc and get help now okay just do it so you can feel better soon
     
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    You aren't a monster. I'm sure whatever you removed cannot shock me, anymore.
     
  5. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    I'd love to talk to my pysch about it but they don't listen to me. I could try and get a different doctor but I know them all and they are all the same. I live in a very small place with no real access to anything much larger than the small service I get, and to ask more is stupid because there is no more to get.

    I want another psych but its too hard, with too much effort for such a slim chance of working. I also don't want to change my psych because of the fact that if I did my parents would probably be told (some crappy health laws here) and then they would ask me why and then all of that crap starts. I want to hide it from them, which I'm sure is recommended against but they don't believe me and never really have.

    I'm just tired of having to justify my problems to those who are meant to be close to me. Either they don't want to listen at all or they'll listen but not completely believe me.
     
  6. sk123

    sk123 Member

    I feel much the same.... I know that my death will not be natural. I feel that I have the power to hold back my suicidal urges... but I fear I will give in. It is only a matter of time.
     
  7. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Your post confuses me, but I was thinking about this. Don't you wish psych wards still existed for the truely ill? Not for criminals that don't want jail time? I'd turn myself in.
     
  8. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    How much longer do you have to go until you can be free of your parents?
     
  9. lapazyelamor

    lapazyelamor Well-Known Member

    Yea me too just got cut off of xanax the only med to help at all, I'm 30 wont see Christmas , last year for me , I got the necessary means of a quick end, I'm just showing ny family some of my heart before I go as they haunt seen much of it over the years
     
  10. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    Still a good two years Adam.

    I mean at the moment, I don't feel that depressed. But I still know at this moment in time that I will end up killing myself one day. It's a weird realisation to be honest, because no matter how well I feel I know that it ends very quickly and suddenly.

    And to JapanLover, I know what you mean. I feel like if I did try and get some hospital time it's the classic "looking for attention" crap or even that I'm insane, which is a possibility but unlikely, and really something I'd rather not be thought of as.

    I'm just not really happy these days, I have days where I'm not so depressed, but its not happy.
     
  11. skyisburning

    skyisburning Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way...I remember being about 4 and thinking life was a dream that we would wake up from at any moment. And then I never did...it just kept going...and when I was in high school, that's when I started thinking about stuff like suicide. It didn't get really bad until I was in college, at which point I sought counseling for a year and began taking anti-D's...which worked for a while (the therapy), and then I thought it was a waste of time. I felt detached from my doctor and that she was un-empathetic (and maybe she was, or maybe I was finding reasons to push her away), so I quit seeing her and have yet to see another therapist since....since it seems like a waste of money and time.

    Okay, sorry to ramble, anyway...what I mean to say is that, I feel like I'll kill myself one day, also. Or at least, I will if my life doesn't get better in the coming years. I'm into theatre and performing arts, a career that has a huge demand of willing and talented workers, but a small supply of jobs for those workers, and I've already told myself that in 10 years, if I'm poor and unhappy and can't make it...then I'm going to kill myself. I know that's horrible...and that my "back-up plan" should be something more like, "get a different job, settle, have a family, etc, whatever"....but I don't want that. I would rather die than settle for that mundane lifestyle that I don't like at all.

    I don't know if any of this is even making sense...but yeah....that's how I feel.
    I wish I could say something different and tell you a more optimistic tale, but this is me being honest. And really...is it such a horrible thing to have suicide be a back-up option for one's future? (I'm sure a lot will say yes, but I don't think it is...)

    [lastly, just to clarify, I by NO means want this reply to come off as saying, "Oh yeah, you should go do it!" because I'm not saying that. I feel like suicide is a final, final resort...and one that should be dodged at all costs if you think you can live happily.]
     
  12. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Exactly! RIGHT(!) Medication helps (in most cases), but when you're having those suicide thoughts it is very worth trying. As said you must always have a calmness and big patient through the whole process for surviving, if you don't, you fail (and gets hospitalized/possibly die..). Yes, you should take anybody who has the "S" on their back very seriously, I have been there and I know you it's not a pretty sight with crying,dying, to having no one who cares about you and "no big deal" rashes turns to big cuts permanently.

    Have come to the "end" many of times but always returned, is it something I cannot do or do I search for something in "the life" I don't know for sure, I am a very confused soul as well, but I like help others to help myself, that's how I get through the days without thinking -"take train!", which happens very often if I don't.

    EDIT:
    Then when ALL your mood says LONELY I wonder... just a clue though
     
  13. coldhands

    coldhands New Member

    After reading your post, I have to admit, there has always been a presence of premature death that I have had deep within my subconsciousness. Im not quite sure if it is within
    my genetics to commit suicide, but its always there. Is it natural selection? Are we not living up to our genetic expectations? I cant escape the feeling, no matter how great I feel. Its a hopelessness thats a part of me, so im not sure.... what IT is.
     
  14. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    Thank you for all your responses. I want you to know that I've read all of them and taken them in and I appreciate you all trying to help me. It's odd seeing others with my seeming preposition to suicide, who knows if its genetic or not?

    Skyisburning, don't worry, I feel the same as you, except suicide is higher in my list of priorities it seems.

    I'm sorry I don't have more to say at the moment but obviously I feel like shit and really don't want to wake up in the morning, which makes it more than tempting to not go to sleep.

    Thanks, and sorry to all of you.
     
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