I know I'm done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NotThisLife, Oct 28, 2010.

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  1. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    I feel empty, not even sad. I am going to wait until tonight, when no one is around, then I will leave this world. It's funny, I've been doing such a good acting job no one suspects a thing. My mom actually thinks I'm going to watch the World Series with her tonight!

    I almost feel happy, not quite but almost. The certainty that this is my last day on earth has given me some sort of comfort. When think about ending my life tonight, I am overcome with relief. I have been so worried about how I was going to reclaim my life, how I was going to get back on the path to success after everything was taken from me. Now, I am free from that worry.

    It IS sad. I had so much potential. I was smart (3.8 GPA), charismatic ( almost everyone likes me) and dammit I was good at whatever I ever tried. Every job I ever had I eventually got moved up to a management position. I have played shows onstage with my band in front more than 100 people more times than I can count. I have short stories that have been published, although none ever got much attention from anyone other than family and friends. In short, once upon a time there was nothing I could not do.

    This is not me. This current person who hates everything and makes everyone around me miserable. I was made into this. Everything was taken from me, my car, my career, my clean record and my dignity. All of it was taken in a blink of an eye, and I had nothing to do with it. If I was not an atheist, I'd say it was an act of God the way it all went down. Forces beyond my control destroyed the life I had worked so HARD to build.

    I love my mom, and this will be very hard on her. But I live in a rural community, and I plan on going deep into the woods. My hope is that I will not be found, and maybe my mom and others will think I have left town. I plan on leaving a note saying just that, that I have gone to another state to start anew. I hope that will hold up, and they will never know what really happened. But if not, if I am found.... I'm sorry Mom but I had no choice left to me.

    I cannot continue after what happened to me. Getting beat up in jail, strip searched by guards, getting arrested in front of my new boss in front of a roomful of customers.... it's all too much. Even if I could get past the memories, the way I was treated, I still have to carry around the "felon" label, which is not something I am willing to do. If I had done the crime, maybe it would be easier to live with. But as it is, I do not deserve this, and I will NOT live with this label for the rest of my life. It ends now, before fate can hurt me more than it already has.

    Goodbye SF, I hope that everyone here finds the peace that is currently eluding them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2010
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I've had a quick search of your other threads, although I've not had chance to look at them fully. Can you do something for me? You say that you've had short stories published and you're clearly a creative person. There's a big connection between creativity and depression and loads of info on that if you want to look it up on the net. Depression appears to be the price we pay for the creativity bit. Bit of a harsh price if you ask me but that's the way it is.
    Anyhow, what's happened to you is monstrous. Absolutely unacceptable and the woman who did it should be made to pay. I can understand that a legal route is not the answer though, you're just not up to that and it would make you more ill.
    The only route left to you is to write it down. Only you're going to have to do it as a work of fiction. So I want you to do that. I want you to write a story or a novel about your experience. I want you to concentrate on the themes of how the injustice is so much worse because you've already been traumatised in your earlier life. Look at how the justice system treats people with mental health issues. Being stripped searched when you're a victim of abuse is just more abuse. That needs to be highlighted.
    Give it everything you've got, change a couple of facts so you can't be sued and go and find a publisher. The best revenge is a dish served cold and even if you have to publish the damn thing yourself, make sure there's a copy in every store in your area. Show the world what this woman did to you and how she did it. Show them what the effect of it was.
    Use your own words and experience to try and make just one person see things differently.
    Don't let this woman win. Start fighting back.
  3. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    i'm truely sorry. Please don't do this. But if you do, you will be in my thoughts, and i will say a prayer for you even tho i am an athiest. I hope you find the peace you deserve.
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree with all the above...and I'm so sorry this horrible woman did this to you..
    don't let her win..
    don't take the anger out on yourself...
    can I ask if you are having therapy?

    I am a Mum who lost a child to suicide and I beg you don't do it to your Mum.....It will kill her ...
    the pain you're feeling will be transferred to her..

    get yourself some more help asap and think about that book..
    take care
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