I know I'm hurting her. I don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~Jaded~, Jun 22, 2011.

  1. ~Jaded~

    ~Jaded~ Active Member

    Christ, not sure what to do. Susan's cut herself, pretty badly, lots of blood in the sink. She also refused to eat, I had to cook it anyway and talk to her for ages to convince her to eat it, it when cold by the time she decided to have some, and she didn't even finish. Worst thing was that I had to eat myself, and unlike her I actually need to lose some weight (I really do, this is not a problem, I'm just dieting, but it's very hard when you live with someone who struggles with eating)

    She says it's not my fault that she cut, but I'm not sure about that. I've put her through so much recently, what with telling her I feel confused about my gender, and with all the burns on my stomach I know she's been stressing over me. And I guess all the booze tonight hasn't helped her. She's coming off her meds at the moment, and I know it's a bad idea, but she won't listen to me. I feel like shit, I know I'm making things worse for her, and what ever she say's I know that it's at least partially my fault. What do you do when you know your hurting someone you love? I'm trying to change, but it takes time. I almost feel like I should leave, give her a real chance at happiness, but I know that doing that would just make her worse, besides I love her so so much. Sometimes I feel like if I really loved her, then I'd let her go, but I just can't. Am I doing the wrong thing? I hope not. She means everything to me, and I am trying. She deserves better.

    She's trying to sleep now. I've had my citalopram, and drank some booze, they go well together. Gonna have some risperidone later, not really a great idea, but much as it fucks me up, I need sleep. I need to have it, I'm losing it here, I know if I don't then I'll go out to Tescos, and buy rum, probably get sectioned again and I might not be so lucky as last time. I can't afford to go in to a ward, I just can't do that again. I'm so so sorry. I just want to be happy.