I know it's a bit long, but it won't hurt to read, trust me ;)

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by vil2liv, Jul 25, 2015.

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  1. vil2liv

    vil2liv Member

    Hey people!

    First of all I want to say that English is not my language, so there may be some mistakes in grammar.

    Before I decided to introduce myself, I went to see some posts of this forum. What I saw is that people are sad and depressed because of many different things. One has family problems, another has health issues, another has disturbing past, etc... I was able to conclude that most people hate their lives and would gladly change them with a life of someone else. But tough luck! We are stuck with what we have. Anyway, now I'm gonna tell few things about myself. I may be short, I may be long, all depends of my inspiration.

    Well, let's start. I am 30 years old (few months over 30). I have no job, no income, and my health is in dangerous zone. But I am not here to cry over my destiny. During my growing up, somewhere around my early teens, I developed mild case of depression. As I was growing up, it got stronger and stronger, until at some point, my only solution was suicide. I was around 14-15 when I started thinking about it every single day. I even had some plans on how to do it. Months were passing, and every day I would wake up, I was thinking "This is my last day". But there was only one thing that made me change my opinion. I had a little brother (at that time he was about 5-6), and what kept me alive was thinking of what would his childhood be like if I killed myself. But when the evening would come, suicidal thoughts would be stronger and stronger, and I would think "Screw everybody, I'm gonna do that tomorrow", and that would go like that in circles for few years! I even had insomnia for a long time. I never told anyone about my condition! Near the end of my high school (i don't know what made me do it) I decided that I was going to fight my depression. And fought I did. Very, very hard. At some moments it felt like I was going to split in two. Pain even became physical. But I struggled and fought, and succeeded!

    At the summer of 2006, when I was 21, two things happened in short time that made me see how life is indeed worth living no matter how hard it is. A close family member killed himself at the age of 35. I was working at another town, and news of that woke some of bad feelings inside me (I guess you can never get rid of those, just suppress it deep). Few days after I finished commitments I had in my town regarding funeral, and came back to work, I witnessed a girl of 16 years trying to hang herself. What happened at that moment is honestly a blur in my mind, and I only know details from what I've been told by her later. I somehow saw her through window, and managed to enter her room, where we spent hours talking. Long story short, I managed to convince her not to harm herself, and until this day we've remained friends. She is now married and has a baby girl, few months old who she named by me! She has degrees in psychology and sociology, and her field of study is suicide! She is the one who mentioned this forum to me!

    From those moments my life had some extreme ups and downs, but I was strong and manage to surpass every bad situation. I failed to finish a college, due to lack of money (I come from very poor family). I never managed to earn a proper money from a job. I changed jobs quite frequently. But I never even thought "Oh, I can't do this anymore, I'm gonna kill myself." Those thoughts are long gone! Until few years ago. I was diagnosed with a condition that would become deadly if not treated properly (I won't bother anyone with details). And it did. For few years I managed to work and pay for treatments, hoping that a chance of healing properly would come. But quite opposite happened. Pays became lower, unemployment hit roof, and jobs became luxury in my country. So i lost my job, and now I don't have money to continue treatments. For few months I tried every option I could remember. But the more time passed the less options I had. I think I depleted every single option by now. My doctor told me I have probably half of year left to live. But last month or two will be torture, so I decided when I come to that, I will kill myself. Not that I want to, but honestly I don't think any man should suffer in his last days of life! SO, at the point when my will for living is at it's highest point, I am going to end it by my own hand! I guess I called it long time ago.

    Anyway, that's not why I created account here. I created it mainly to show and provide support to people here. I now how it is hard to be depressed and how much pain makes a person to think about suicide. If, along the way, I manage to find someone to help me, all the better. If not, at least I tried to help others overcome their pain. And I hope I will change few people's opinions, and make them see brighter side of their lives! And that would fill my heart with joy and happiness! There isn't much people that can say that they saved a life! I did, and trust me, there isn't better feeling in this world than knowing that because of you, a life continued, and subsequently another life is born!!!

    So... People, whenever I am here, I will comment, reply or share my opinions to your posts, hoping that at least one person will see that not all is bad! That would make my mission here successful, and if I am to be gone soon, I will go with a smile on my face!
  2. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    Welcome to the site!
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the site. What you did for that girl is simply amazing, no other words to describe it than caring,kind and you have a heart of gold and it is heart warming that she named her little girl after you. I am so happy for what you did for this girl and it just proved there are good people in this world. Well done to you, her and welcome to SF, I hope you will like it here :)
  4. vil2liv

    vil2liv Member

    Petal and Northern, Thanks for Welcome! As I already said, since I probably won't have much time left, I just came here to try to help some people, and assure them that there are things to look forward to in this life!!!
  5. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi vil2liv, Thank you very much for sharing your beautiful story of hope. I can appreciate life may be difficult at the moment and at times the future could appear grim; but I can see there is a hope within you too. Please keep fighting because you never know what's going to happen until it happens. Welcome to the forum and it really is a pleasure to have you here with us. Husky
  6. vil2liv

    vil2liv Member

    Thanks Husky! I've always tackled my problems with great determination :) But his one will win, it seems. Anyway, more I am on this forum, more nice persons I meet! And I will also try to give words of hope to other people!!!
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