I know Ive Lost Her

I never thought it could happen. I never thought I could fall in love. Ive spent the bulk of my life avoiding love. Half a lifetime of isolation, seclusion, and reflection. Pondering the world from a distance, too scared too take part in it. I was both, trapped, and comforted by the world i created, despising it one second, hailing its merits the next.

I should have known, I should have been more cautious. I now know why I spent so much time creating a world inside a world. The answer is simple.

Stepping outside into the merky blackness of real life is dangerous and heart breaking. When I think of losing her...im physically sick, I feel like somebody has just reached into my stomach and removed something that should never be removed. I feel emotion I never thought i was I capable of. Years of hardening myself to the real world, allowed me to ignore emotion, oblivious to it.

Id like to write a little poem about how I feel. Im not very good with poems so bare with me.

I Know Ive Lost Her

A day just like any other,
A yawn, and a silent mutter,
Tired, teary, and a heart a flutter.

An awaken spirit
A ceaseless putter

I greeted this day reborn
A blessed soul, no longer forlorn
Free, alive, and no longer torn

I sense your kiss
I no longer mourn

Bring forth the silent stranger
Peerless, and crucible of danger
A demon, a harpie, a halfling changer

Decadent shadows
A life altering exchanger

The ray of hope so bright
Now abandoned and taken flight
A tired crutch, a hopeless plight

Taken my spirit
Taken my life

 

If this is who I think it is...you're being negative AGAIN!!!! Can't you please let her have her thinking time and stop PANICKING!!!!
You know where I am if you needs me :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

I know who this is and you need to listen to what i said before. I know how you feel, this is what i went through before. So i do understand, just let her sort out her head and figure out what shes feeling.

Im allways here for you hun x

 

Ok here it comes, during work I had the change to think about all of this. I couldnt yesterday, I was brain dead, because already happened so much shit that day. So now you will get to hear my thoughts, and it wont be nice to hear. I'll probaly hurt you. I might look happy and ok in the chat or msn, but 99% of my thoughts are so negative. Just make lame and bad jokes, act stupid etc, to hide them all. I'm so sorry to tell this, I'm sorry that I probaly will hurt you with my paranoia negative thoughts etc, but I've to do this. And sorry that I probaly start rambling and everything will be a mess and it all will be confusing, but than you know whats going on in my head.

Ok where do I start... uhm... I'm just going to tell you this because I need to be sure of everything, you probly dont realise how much I'm risking or I might loose if we will go on with this. So please dont get to upset.
You say you loved me, but before me there was someone else, she took some distance, you started talking more to me and now you're saying you love me. You're thinkig something about her, that might not even be true. She is so much better than me. I dont deserve your love, no ones love. Really how can you love me???
You're saying I gave you hope, positivity. That this all we go well, but I already have so much problems with taking a desicion if I should go to the movies, shop, friend, what kind of studie, job. How the hell can I decide what I want to happen between us, this can change my life, I might loose my friends, family, trust etc..
And when I think of a future between us, I only see negative things. I want to be perfect for you, that means my ED will get worse, my cutting will go worse, because it wont go as I want it to go. And I know you dont want that.
I do love you and thats why I dont want this. I will only waste your time, I'll only make things worse for you. I dont want that, you deserve so much better!!
And than there is something else, i'm just 18, a young girl. And you know how they are, the one day they like this guy and the other day they like someone else. You know I already like someone else beside you. I never have feelings for someone, and now this is happening...
I dont even know if my feelings are for real, maybe its just something I see other people do and I just want to be normal, I havent cried for months and no I didnt cry when you thought I did. I'm so aphatic.
Love can turn out well or wrong, you dont know how many times you already saved my life. What if everything goes wrong and I'll do it, because I cant talk with you about it. I dont want to put you in such a situation.
Ah everything is one big mess now in my head. I kinda forgot what I just said and I'm sure I forgot a lot of things to mention. But my conclusions are:
I dont deserve you.
I'll only waste your time.
Sooner or later I'll hurt you.
You deserve so much better.
I'll make things only worser for you.
I'm so sorry I put you through all of his...

 

Blubs, you say you don't deserve anyones love and you don't see how anyone could love you. Sweetheart i feel the same way and have done for some time. Recently i've had someone tell me they like me, he even told me he loved me once but i feel the exact same about it as you do, i do understand. I do undestand how it is to like someone else very much and be confused about what you want. I know, i like this guy and he says he likes me back but i've got very stong feelings for someone else but thats never gonna happen.

You self esteerm is far too low hun, you put yourself down way too much. If someones fallen in love with you, then they see something in you that you don't see. They have fallen for you wether you want it to happen or not, they can't help the way you feel. Love happens in mysterious ways. Its understandable that your not sure what you want but the person is proberbly fully aware of what the consequences and knows the risk's of getting hurt. But this is a chance at happiness, something really special. In my opinion thats worth the risk.

You deserve happiness.
Love is happiness, is happiness a waste of time? some people what their Whole lives for something like this.
If someone gets hurt its because they truely care about you, hurt can't happen unless their is some love there.

 

Blubs, I thought that was actually very well thought out. It takes insight to know what can harm you or your view of yourself. The part about the eating disorder and wanting to be perfect (that takes insight and insight means you can get better and be whole).

I don't know if this budding relationship you have will work or not, but if we never take risks we never really live. I am one of the walking wounded where love is concerned. After years of never trusting anyone, I finally took the risk. Ok it hasnt been the fairy tale ending I would have wished for, but I now know what was missing in my life for all those years and some day I'll be ready to take that risk again...cos it is so WORTH IT!!!

Whatever happens, we are here to support you both. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

The only thing I want out of this entire thread is for Blubs to be happy. I love her so much, I cant be fucked disguising it anymore. Ya I know, we agreed we werent going to use the "L" word anymore...but I cant help it.

Life takes some weird turns. It can never be how I hoped it would be, but all I want is for you to be happy.

The only thing that matters to me is your happiness. You need to do what you feel is necessary, what you feel is right. Please dont concern yourself with me.

Your a young woman...18..you have so much ahead of you. Your an incredible person, beautiful in every respect. God broke the mold when he created you.

You know im always going to be there for chat. Whatever happens, I want you to be happy. :hug: :cheekkiss