I know nobody cares, but here goes.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by b0wfl3x, Dec 8, 2008.

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  1. b0wfl3x

    b0wfl3x Member

    Well, where to begin I guess. I've moved my depression/suicide related postings to this forum from a teen-oriented forum for various reasons. So here goes.

    Since July I've been suffering from clinical depression. I'm not medicated as my therapist does not want to put me on meds just yet. I've given up on therapy, it doesn't do shit, it just makes me feel like more of a tool than I already am. I've just finished high school and will be starting university next year. I have no real friends, merely acquaintances whom I maintain little contact with. The people I graduated high school with are a bunch of assholes, and have given me alot of pain and suffering over the last 12 years (including primary school). I have Asperger's syndrome, I'm different. The events of the last 6 months (bullying, alleged "friends" deserting me in pursuit of girlfriends, stress from school work) have made me hate myself for being different. I started cutting myself, although I'm currently 3 months clean.

    One night a few months ago, I got really close to attempting, but was stopped thanks to the efforts of the members at another forum. I'm starting to wish I hadn't been stopped. I hate myself, I want to die. Dealing with life gets more and more painful everyday. There's only so much support one's family can offer. One needs support from people one's own age to balance things out. Nobody from my school has bothered to include me on anything since school ended. The person I was supposed to be living next door to at University has ditched me, finding other plans. I'm going to be all alone.

    I'm destined to be that way forever. I've never had a proper girlfriend. Heck, I've never even really had a proper friend. I like this girl, but I'm way out of her league, nor can I even bring myself to talk to her. I can't talk to girls, I freak out. I've tried every trick in the book, and nothing has helped my cause. I like her, but I'm not sure I'd be up for the relationship.

    I want to kill myself. Not right now. Who knows when. I guess I'll do it when it "feels right". There's no point in me living, and I'm sorry that it's taken me up until six months ago to realize it. I'm a pathetic, lonely, Autistic, retarded, geeky, socially-inept, suicidal piece of shit. I don't deserve the gift of life. I never have, and I never will. I can't go on crying myself to sleep every night like this and watching everybody else pass me by in life. Fuck this, I cannot write anymore. It hurts too much. *cries*
  2. ~Tosh~

    ~Tosh~ Forum Buddy

    I know i dont know you, and to you im only words on a white back ground, but i care, and im here. your not the only disabled person on this forum, so maybe, they can relate to you. Im also sorry for the way your feeling right now, and please dont give up trying to get yourself help that you need, and deserve. Cutting, its not the best way of release, i know because i have done it for 7 nearly 8 years... but hey who am i to talk. I also know what its like to stop for other people then wishing you hadnt, but please remember im here for oyu if you want someone to talk to :hug: I knwo its painful, but talking really does help, even if ou dont feel the effects straight away.. XxxX
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Zaraphrax,

    I'm so sorry that you have had to endure all of that. It may seem like the end of the world right now, but things can get better. It's not true that no one cares. I care.Reading your post made me feel so sad.I'm sure you aren't any of those things you said.

    There are many girls out there, I'm sure you will find one right for you, but you probably can't see that because your self-esteem and confidence is so low.Depression lies.It causes you to hate yourself and everyone. I hope you will get the medication you need soon.

    I'm always here if you need to talk :hug:
  4. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    Being an aspie-depressed myself, I know exactly how you feel. It's very, very difficult for an aspie to make friends, and deal with the stress in life.

    Just felt like letting you know you're not alone. :hug:
  5. b0wfl3x

    b0wfl3x Member

    I never thought I'd be this bad. I'm sitting here wallowing in sorrow, not knowing what to do. I can't stop thinking about this girl, but I don't have the balls to even look at her. There's no point in me living any more. There is nothing left for me. Nobody could ever like a guy like me. I'm a piece of shit. I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my days. *cries*
  6. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    I know that you're depressed right now, but I hope that what I say may help.

    I know that being lonely sucks--and right now, you sound very lonely. I see that you're a relatively new member, so I think you've come to the right place . . . most people here have similar conflicts and problems.

    I just want to let you know that things do get better as you get older. You leave behind the cliques of high school--everybody is too worried about themselves to target you any more. And while you'll run into assholes in the work place, they're a lot more manageable.

    What are your next plans? Are you going to university currently? Please let us know--we're interested in what you have to say and it also may help us give you better advice.
  7. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    "I am who I am because of who everyone else is."

    Sometimes you're dealt a bad hand of peers. University is a little more open and there are more opportunities to meet different people. If nothing else, hold off on doing anything until you actually know what lies ahead.

    I was given the title of borderline Asperger's, and I have, in time, found people that I can talk to, laugh with and it's quite a respite after everything that came before. You may be different, but the relationships I have now work because of differences.
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