Hello there! I don't even know where to start. My 1st post was about like..yeah..i'm gonna kill myself..Since then there was a brief moment of happinnes, and then my life and myself went downhill. I lost a lot of weight for me..it started back in August 2006 and still can't gain. It's eating disorder - now I'm sure, the thing is I don't think I'm fat and I don't starve myself or throw up or over-excercise, I just have no appetite. OK. So now I have pain in my stomach and nausea, i bruise easily(I mean it literally), my immune system is wrecked. I must go to the doctor and I Will. I started dabble with drugs and consume more alcohol. Thanks God, they are expensive :blink: I wouldn't count on my strong will if I had easy access or financial means to support the habbit My self-esteem is below zero. I feel alone and hopless, really, though I have a close friend, but not here, whom I talk to 3-4 on the phone and I don't know how she still hasn't hung up on me., cos I'm whiny, clingy, needy, sad excuse for a human-being. I started seriously to research the subject of suicide. Most of the songs on my MP3 player are about death or pain. I have no friends now here. I have no life, no job. My life is fake. I still live with unloved husband and pretend and lie every day. I understand it's my choice to live my life like that. There is a glimpse of hope for building my own life. And I do everything so it won't happen. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder 3 years ago. I understand clearly what I should do to try to get out of this, and I still don't do it. Don't want to do it. I do things that I know are bad for me. Like when my gut feeling tells me:don't do it! I do it anyway. I know I need help from professional and I need a friend here or better friends, I can't go through this alone. I'm not that strong. But I'm so sad and troubled that people try to avoid me. And I don't blame them, frankly. I'M NOT PROACTIVE. I'm like an ostridge hiding his head in the sand when danger is around. I DON'T DO ANYTHING TO IMPROVE MYSELF OR GET SOME HELP. I hate myself. Such a long post. Sorry. I forgot, that I'm self-centered attention w_h_o_r_e as well. ------------------------------------------ Bottom line I love pity parties. I HAVE NEVER EVER FELT SO BAD BEFORE, despite having a 10+ y.o. history of depression and anxiety.