I know that I'm no good

[This_Road_Will_Never_End]

Hello there!

I don't even know where to start. My 1st post was about like..yeah..i'm gonna kill myself..Since then there was a brief moment of happinnes, and then my life and myself went downhill. I lost a lot of weight for me..it started back in August 2006 and still can't gain. It's eating disorder - now I'm sure, the thing is I don't think I'm fat and I don't starve myself or throw up or over-excercise, I just have no appetite. OK. So now I have pain in my stomach and nausea, i bruise easily(I mean it literally), my immune system is wrecked. I must go to the doctor and I Will.

I started dabble with drugs and consume more alcohol. Thanks God, they are expensive :blink: I wouldn't count on my strong will if I had easy access or financial means to support the habbit

My self-esteem is below zero.

I feel alone and hopless, really, though I have a close friend, but not here, whom I talk to 3-4 on the phone and I don't know how she still hasn't hung up on me., cos I'm whiny, clingy, needy, sad excuse for a human-being.

I started seriously to research the subject of suicide. Most of the songs on my MP3 player are about death or pain.

I have no friends now here.

I have no life, no job.

My life is fake. I still live with unloved husband and pretend and lie every day. I understand it's my choice to live my life like that.

There is a glimpse of hope for building my own life. And I do everything so it won't happen.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder 3 years ago.

I understand clearly what I should do to try to get out of this, and I still don't do it. Don't want to do it.

I do things that I know are bad for me. Like when my gut feeling tells me:don't do it! I do it anyway.

I know I need help from professional and I need a friend here or better friends, I can't go through this alone. I'm not that strong. But I'm so sad and troubled that people try to avoid me. And I don't blame them, frankly.

I'M NOT PROACTIVE. I'm like an ostridge hiding his head in the sand when danger is around. I DON'T DO ANYTHING TO IMPROVE MYSELF OR GET SOME HELP.

I hate myself.

Such a long post. Sorry. I forgot, that I'm self-centered attention w_h_o_r_e as well.
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Bottom line I love pity parties.

I HAVE NEVER EVER FELT SO BAD BEFORE, despite having a 10+ y.o. history of depression and anxiety.

 

[Evo_L]

Depression will make your immune system a lot worse too, I had a terrible succession of colds recently because of feeling low. Really pisses me off.

It sounds like your current relationship could be a failing there. You say you live with your husband but don't love him? Excuse me for jumping the gun if I am, but that seems like a major issue. Has the relationship broken down?

You seem to sound like you're without much 'worth' and if you have a personality disorder these feelings are going to intentsified by the nature of your condition. I know you said you're not pro-active but maybe you really need to start doing something, take an evening class in something and try to get some focus in life. A job might help but if you're only going to do 'any kind of job' then you're not going to be valued or stimulated at all by the work.

 

[This_Road_Will_Never_End]

Thank you very much for your reply

I think it's both depression and malnutrion which ruined my immune systeme.

As one person here said my husband sucked life out of me. But it's my choice, though it's difficult to choose when u r between a rock and a hard place.

But he is just a part of my problem. I'm my worst enemy. I know that and don't do anything. I'm very shy. It's an enourmous problem for me. Live in a foreign country. Don't have work permit. I graduated masters programm, but I enjoy physical work. I dream to be a construction worker or someone like that. No kidding. Helps to fight depression.

And having read a lot about both borderline and narcisstic personality disorders, I question myself everyday: is it worth living sad and troubled life? Who knows how my life will eventually turn out to be? Drug-addict, alcoholic? I don't want that. I don't think I posses a natural survival instinct or something like that to really fight and improve.

The problem is I don't want to change apparently. And even extreme curcumstances didn't make to change. I just became sadder and more insecure.

 

[Evo_L]

Depression got me on the road to drugs, it's made things a lot harder now. I don't take drugs anymore but I got prosecuted awhile back for possession of cocaine. I used to work in healthcare too :sad: when I graduated I had to take a lesser qualification of Higher Education Diploma because I couldn't register with a conviction for drugs, especially so fresh too. Now I'm fit for nothing, university broke me financially so I cannot ever support myself through such a venture now. I'm too clever for most jobs, I quickly feel very under valued and unappreciated doing jobs that they'll just give anyone and ask not questions.

I got a few things in the pipeline but if those fail me, which they magically will despite my efforts to change my ways. I went back and got a certificate in drug awareness to couter-act my mistermeanours , I'm trying to see if I can get work in rehabilitation or something like that.

I've got a good insight into drugs, I know a lot about them, first hand mostly :wink:. But there's aspects of my own personality which I can see inflated in most heavy users of drugs which I believe I could help in quite greatly. Not to mention my previous medical experience I know loads about human anatomy and the physiological effects of drugs on the body and overdose potential.

Maybe you could use your own mis-givings and personality in ego pyshcoanaylisis of people? As in helping others to understand their problems through knowing things about your own personality.

You must be very clever to have achieved a masters, lord knows, I had to do shit loads for my uni-education and a masters level is a good bit above my level. I think it's your lack of worth now that's giving you such problems now. You probably need a lot of stimulation if you're someone who's comitted to study in past. That stimulation may now be completely absent.

Perhaps you should get out the books and start to study something again? I know it's helped me a bit in the past. I taught myself all about philosophy recently and it did help quite a bit, however some of it is very depressing. But maybe your need to feed your mind. I know it may seem like busying yourself with needless tasks, but perhaps getting back to the books might rekindle some inspiration you originally had.

Are public libraries free where you're from? Maybe check things out there.