I Know this Doesnt Belong

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Ze'ev-Hayalim, Aug 15, 2006.

  1. Its getting closer to November, and I'm beginning to crumble.

    Everyone tells me to forget, and to forgive myself.

    I constantly hurt myself and hide it from those who love me.

    I say I'm just fine, but I'm falling apart.

    I miss him so very much, i can't stand it

    Another thanksgiving without him.

    I miss you Julian
     
  2. Shadowplay

    Shadowplay Staff Alumni

  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Cyesis hun, we are here for you. Let us help you make it through. You have been a rock for many, now is the time for us to be the ground upon which you stand firm. :hug:
     
  4. I am no rock, merely a pebble, who has contributed NOTHING to anyone on this forum

    Typical failure.
     
  5. Shadowplay

    Shadowplay Staff Alumni

    That is untrue, and you are not a failure. :hug:
     
  6. immure

    immure Account Closed

    well ur little pebble filled a hole in my heart.
     
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    And you kept me grounded at a time when I wasn't sure where i should be or what I should do. You are very important here. Don't kid yourself. :hug:
     
  8. Lou

    Lou Well-Known Member

    I'm here if you ever want to talk.

    {{{hugs}}} to you x
     
  9. nakedbodi

    nakedbodi Member

    November is the month I wish to avoid. It's when I want to fall asleep and wake up when it ends. I am happier now that the last few months and I'm trying my best to stay that way. It's hardwork but its worth it. I only wish I can sustain this emotion longer, at least until November ends.

    The sadness will pass... it always does.
     
  10. they said the sadness would pass 10 years ago

    it hasnt changed one goddamn bit.

    it hurts more then it did then, every year the pain metastises and becomes worse.
     
  11. immure

    immure Account Closed

    have u ever spoke to a grievens counsiler. i know that grievin is a very individual and dynamic thing. maybe they could give u some needed insight so u can move some of the pain.
     
  12. i spoke to a grievance counselor when i was 14 years old, nothing productive came of it.

    this pain i feel, this hurt will never go away. I could cure AIDS, be a great father, help my neighbors, or simply be me; NOTHING can change it.

    I've tried so hard to let it go, and I cannot.
     
  13. nakedbodi

    nakedbodi Member

    This is why the sadness metastasize. You've been denying yourself to properly grieve, and I completely understand. I've been that way when I lost my mother to suicide on 1992, trying to act fine, giving my best for the family, providing for them financially, physically and emotionally. Been too busy to grieve. Their sake before mine. When my mom's youngest brother committed suicide on 1995, the wall that I surround myself grew all the more, trying to be there for his children that was about to suffer my fate.

    But I am just me. I can never be enough for all of them. So on 1999, I give up and killed myself.

    But God said no. I wasn't scheduled to die yet. I fall apart, and to my surprise, there's so many who's willing to help me pick up the pieces.

    My mom's older brother died May of this year, he drowned himself. It brought back the pain and for a while, I feel like I'm going out of my mind, but like a wave, it soon washes over me.

    That's what I meant. The sadness always pass. We're never sad all the time, and during those times when we feel like it's too much for us, we always survive somehow to live some "feel-good" days.

    November will pass and an attempt for healing can start once again. I sincerely hope that by next year, you won't feel as bad as you feel now.
     
  14. I cant heal, my heart wont let me heal this pain I carry.

    Every day I think about him, what could have been if he was still here. He'd have been 20 this year, and getting ready to go to college.

    He always was smart.

    I've tried discussing it with my local friend, but he has suffered so much in a different aspect, he cant relate.

    I miss him so goddamn much

    it isnt fair!
     
  15. dragging a age old problem back again.

    yesterday i hurt myself severly, all because i wanted to forget him and have him back at the same time. My mind constantly searches for a reason to be sad, and its found a wound it can tear at and infect.

    its times like this i wish i had been aborted.

    I miss him so much and i want him back.

    in dreams I see his face, his smile.
     
  16. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Although your pain may never completely go away, allow yourself to grieve as you should. Grieve for the loss of what you could have had, had Julian not gone. I know he would not have wanted you to continue to grieve for him in this way. He would want you to remember the good things about him. Live the life he would have wanted you to live had things been different. But they weren't and you are left to carry on. Not only for yourself, but for the precious memories you have of him. I know you have heard all of this before and I am sorry that I am repeating it. I wish I could help you walk far enough along the path that you could think of him without the pain being so fierce. Please know that you are in my thoughts almost every day. Take care Gabriel. You are an angel whether you believe it or not. :hug:
     
  17. immure

    immure Account Closed

    hmm memory, its ur memory that is at war keep and riding seem to extreem on either ends try something more settling. like a agreement with his spirit that u can honour till u meet again. find ur peace my friend most importantly find ur peace please in kindness im
     
  18. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    Forgive me for asking, but who is Julian?
     
  19. the shades of grief return to me this morning.

    i cried last night thinking how he must have felt, laying in that bed for 3 weeks.

    how he must have resented me, the healthy one.

    i'd give anything to switch places right now

    I'm so tired of cliches and the perpetual 'everything turns out for the best'

    IT FUCKING NEVER TURNS OUT FOR THE BEST!
     
  20. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug:

    Hang in there Gabe :) :hug: