I constantly hurt myself and hide it from those who love me.
I say I'm just fine, but I'm falling apart.
This is why the sadness metastasize. You've been denying yourself to properly grieve, and I completely understand. I've been that way when I lost my mother to suicide on 1992, trying to act fine, giving my best for the family, providing for them financially, physically and emotionally. Been too busy to grieve. Their sake before mine. When my mom's youngest brother committed suicide on 1995, the wall that I surround myself grew all the more, trying to be there for his children that was about to suffer my fate.
But I am just me. I can never be enough for all of them. So on 1999, I give up and killed myself.
But God said no. I wasn't scheduled to die yet. I fall apart, and to my surprise, there's so many who's willing to help me pick up the pieces.
My mom's older brother died May of this year, he drowned himself. It brought back the pain and for a while, I feel like I'm going out of my mind, but like a wave, it soon washes over me.
That's what I meant. The sadness always pass. We're never sad all the time, and during those times when we feel like it's too much for us, we always survive somehow to live some "feel-good" days.
November will pass and an attempt for healing can start once again. I sincerely hope that by next year, you won't feel as bad as you feel now.