I know this seems petty but...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Szamar, Mar 29, 2010.

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  1. Szamar

    Szamar New Member

    I've been contemplating it for over a week now. Yes, its nothing in comparison from what i've read on here. Let me explain a few things that may give a better understanding of why i feel like i do.

    At the moment, i feel completely worthless. My parents split up when i was 5, this then led me to very rarely see my dad because of their complete breakdown in communication. After they had split, i was subject to abuse from my mothers new boyfriend, beatings, thrown down stairs etc... i was hated and rejected by my mother for resembling my dad too much, even when i barely knew him. I suffered from 2 really embarrassing illness, one of which i still live with and i still attempt to hide to day, these were induced by fear when i was supposed to be being brought up. I spent most of my 'childhood' being mature and i don't believe i enjoyed it one bit. I don't understand why i deserve the live with the scars of it all, every day.

    I've struggled in my life to open up and love anyone, for reasons stated above. I feel like life is out to get me, and everything i do turns to shit.

    I finally opened up to someone in 2008 and decided that i need love in my life to feel a purpose, a meaning. Things were going well, i met someone and it was nearly like love at first sight, i fell for her so fast, and then i was made homeless, so i had to stay between family i barely knew, which meant i had to leave college (I'm from the UK by the way) We met at college, so this took its impact on us, but we still stayed strong and she promised to be there for me. We had our tough times, i was repeatedly frustrated at the fact that no matter how hard i tried, things just wouldn't go right, and sometimes she'd assume i was frustrated at her when it really wasn't the case.

    Recently, i sort of turned my life around. I have a job, its on minimum wages but its a job, i have a flat, ok, its not got much in it because i can't afford much on the pay i'm on, but it works.

    But just as things seemed like they were perfect, a girlfriend who i'm still madly in love with, and a job and working hard... she decided she'd had enough of me. We had a little arguement, nothing major, just something that you know, most couples go through. She ended it and told me that she doesn't love me anymore, which was strange, just a few days ago we had a heart to heart and we both expressed how much we cared for each other, and i spent the entire weekend trying to convince her how much i loved her and how much she meant to me. It got too much by sunday, and i'd opened every single box of painkillers, antibiotics and various other things i had. They were just sat there. I text her telling her i don't want to feel this pain anymore, and said my goodbye. She then rang me and told me that i'm being selfish and stupid and she'll be the one who has to pick up the pieces... and sent me on a huge guilt trip about it all and so, i obviously backed off... at least for now.

    Meanwhile, not one 'friend' cared enough to either come see me, me to go see them, or offer any support in this entire time. I've sat on my own at home all week until the weekend when another 'friend' decided to try and take advantage of my vunerability, i took 3 days off work sick because thats all i feel, sick. I've lost a huge amount of weight in such a short time because of it, if i survive until thursday, i then have 11 days off work, that i booked off to spend with her, when we were still together which is now going to be me, sat in my flat 11 days straight with nothing but my thoughts.

    It turns out that a guy plans on asking her out tonight, and i don't know what to do. A year and a half of actually telling me that this love is forever and its now taken her a week and a few days to forget about me and move on to someone new? Am i the only one who thinks this is wrong on so many levels? We've talked, and i said i'm prepared to be friends, but it'd devastate me if she did it that fast. I know the whole "if you love her, let her go" comes in to play here, but i just can't do it. I don't love people, i never let them in, now that i have done i seem to be being rewarded in this way for doing so. She just comes at me with "you never know whats going to happen"... i believe she knows that this guy likes her, i've seen messages which would indicate so. I also believe that the "you never know whats going to happen" is a hidden message for liking him back, and the whole reason for this split is for that sole reason.

    I don't know if i can handle it if they get together so soon after me and i've got to watch them be happy and feel like i was nothing to her. I don't know if i can handle the fact that i've been lied to this entire time, it was bad enough that it was so frustrating that i could never convince her that i will make things better between us and i came close then... i even asked someone who know them, and explained how much it was killing me, i just wanted to know if there was something between them, and the only answer i got was "Well, it doesn't really concern you, does it?". Well it does concern me, because the only person i've ever loved has ditched me for little to no reason, she would have lied to me for over a week and probably longer and i've got nowhere left to turn, not friends, nor family, because despite knowing my despair, no-ones seems to care enough.

    I really don't know what to do anymore, well, i know what i want to do if what i believe is going to happen tonight, actually happens. I loved her so much and i don't ever want to lose that feeling, because its the first time in my life that has made my life worth living, and i don't want to experience it with anyone else ever again, it was so unique.
  2. Szamar

    Szamar New Member

    I can't see an edit button, so I'd just like to add that i've called up work and taken another day off work. I'm going to the doctors this morning, but i'm scared because i've never talked to anyone about this before.

    This isn't the first time i've had these thoughts by the way, incase you think i'm being irrational, before my relationship i contemplated it alot and got close and have attempted once before. I just never turned to anyone, guess i should clear that up after re-reading my wall of text.

    Also, i don't mean to insult anyone with the thread title, i just feel like i'm at the lowest point in everyones books lately and my problem seems tiny compared to other peoples, probably because i'm not one to deal with my own problems.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 29, 2010
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It's understandable that you feel greif..If she breaks it off for good there isn't anything you can do about it.. Just understand That greif is just a stage we all go thru..It takes time for the heart to heal..Loosing her love Has taken a big bite out of you.. You should find a good therapist to talk to about this..Taking your life is not the answer..
  4. Szamar

    Szamar New Member

    I think i feel betrayed in the problem. If she can't be honest with me about her true intentions and just dances around them and speaking in metaphors, thats what hurts most about it.

    It wouldn't be so bad, but when friends and family aren't interested either, it makes me feel like a lost cause. Don't get me wrong, i do know the root of my problems, i just don't know how to cope and i've never talked openly about them before, its ok when i explain why i am like i am, its easy when people are looking in, but every single person who knows me, doesn't want to understand.
  5. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    ahh... relationship problems can drive anyone crazy, honestly.
    And you've got every right to feel the way you do! A person doesn't have to be in the *worst possible position* for their thoughts to go to suicide, but it does take time and strength to be able to escape those thoughts once they start, I think.

    Please feel free to talk about it here. If there's no one else you can load everything off on-- you always have this place.
    We have all been there. To that negative place. Feeling depressed and pathetic.
    No one here will judge you, or tell anyone else about your problems so maybe you can feel a bit comforted in that?
  6. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Did the relationship become the pillar of your stability or anchor now that you look back? I know alot of people that consciously or subconsciously view their relationship with a bf, gf, or spouse as their identity and when that is broken, they start falling apart.

    Is your job able to hold your position? At least try to manage the other parts of yor life like job, home until you are able to find some way to vent and share all that.
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