I know this sounds stupid, dramatic and plain silly...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Ellie Grey, Aug 20, 2013.

  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    When I hit my teens (I say this yet I'm still a teenager) I was in an intimate relationship with a boy my own age, we'd been best friends for over a year, went to school every day and were constantly with one another, even to this day we talk a few times per week.
    (I'll say here now, as it is a part of the thread, I've been attracted to girls for a while, but more so towards boys at that stage)

    As it happens at times (I may get people saying crap about it as I was so young, I guess I can't blame anyone) we both experimented.
    We had strict lines on what we were comfortable with, and what we really weren't. I made it very clear that there was something (I won't go into detail) that I was unwilling to try, I said perhaps as an adult, but certainly not whilst I was so young.
    He asked a few times, but never went any further with it when I bluntly refused, we were fine with what we were doing and I have no regret on making that specific choice.
    However... He tried this "thing" with me and it was the worst pain I'd ever felt, I went into shock and he tried to convince me to do things whilst I'm in agony and in shock, the shock was enough my entire body was cold and I struggled to talk.
    Even though I'm in pain, and in shock my friend still tried to take it further and continued to ask for me to do other things, despite the fact I'm sitting there shaking. Even now I'm angry that my friend would try and badger me into doing things when I'm half naked and barely able to talk. I wasn't really aware of what was going on for a couple minutes afterwards, I think I was just a little shocky because I was struggling to listen to what he was saying and it took a while for me to reply.
    It wasn't rape, it was just a stupid mistake that happens when you don't know what you are doing. I guess I over reacted... I think it was just the pain and the humiliation of it all that stuck with me all.

    It's been 2 years now and I'm still friends with this person. I've actually grown to hate myself since that time and I became very ashamed of myself. I mostly don't like to talk about it, and if my friend ever brings it up I change the subject immediatly and ask him to never bring it up again, it just makes me angry and upset.
    I was attracted to guys before, and even now I still think "They're good looking" but... When I think of them intimately, it just... I can't explain it, it's like a block and it scares me, the idea of the actual act scares me, whilst I feel much better at the idea of similar acts with a woman. I've been linked to porn by friends as a joke lots of times and when it comes up I actually feel sick to my stomach, and I wasn't that bothered before about all that stuff.
    I actually feel disgusted at the thought, I feel bad for saying it but I can't help that I feel that.

    I know this sounds naive, and rather dramatic as I've over reacted, but I feel like I'm being really sensitive. I don't know how to get past this block, it's very confusing as you can probably tell.
    Can anyone give me advice on this?
    (I'm not sure where to put this, I'm really sorry if it is in the wrong place)
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Just my opinion, but I honestly think the guy who pushed for further when you were in the shock - needs to be told where to go. Who needs a friend who does that? It's given you a mental block that you've described - and although it wasn't rape - it certainly sounds like there's some aspect of something along a similar line.

    I wouldn't say it's dramatic or over reacting - because you've grown to hate yourself since that event. Maybe having that "friend" still in your life isn't helping you get past that block? Or maybe there's something else behind it?

    (next question could trigger readers) -

    Were you ever sexually abused?