I know what I have to do.. but

[Jack D]

I've been talking to some people regarding my issues I'm having. CBT Counsellors, Mentors, and even some random people saying they are there if they need to talk. And in that time, I have realised something.

Since my initial problems started when I started severing ties with people, holding the belief that they no longer cared anymore, that has only made things worse. Talking to professionals and other figures, has made me realise that perhaps I'm not as unwanted as I make myself out to be, that there are still people who want me at my worst. And that perhaps I need to start apologising to them people, and also to the people I severed ties with in the first place...to regain what I got rid of.

But im having some really big concerns. Ive been in this cycle so many times before, and it was only recently that i wished to just shut off from people to try stop it. I worry that if i try to open up again, that I will just get paranoid, delete people, and start the cycle all over again, making everything I have said and done up to this point...worthless. I'm also worried about what people will say to me, when i try to reach out. I get it that some will be okay, but i know for a fact that some people have had enough of my sh*t, and will just avoid and not reply to me... im petrified of that happening, but at the same time i cannot expect 100% forgiveness.

I want to make steps to get better, but im too afraid to do them >.< I always do this to myself, i dont know whats good for me, and i always make things worse on myself. I wish i was never so stupid and sensitive to begin with...

 

[nico_justnico]

I understand how you're afraid of that, but you have to break this cycle you're in. the longer you stay in there, the harder it will become to get out there. I know change can be painful, but it never is as painful as being stuck somewhere you don't want to be.

 

[nobodyknows71]

Hi Jack could you maybe just start with one person and see how that goes? Choose the person you think will be most receptive to you reaching out, and then maybe they can help you build bridges with others.
Don't put yourself under a the pressure of trying to fix everything at once.

At least you can recognise your patterns of behaviour.
One step at a time and you'll be able to break the cycle.

Good luck, keep posting

 

[Baicha]

I wonder if the first person you need forgiveness from is yourself? It sounds odd, but I don't think you can expect forgiveness from others until you've found a way to accept and forgive yourself.
I think youre being harsh on yourself you do know what's good for you, you don't come across as being stupid and being sensitive isn't a bad thing, it just means you hurt more easily than some. I would rather know a sensitive person who was sorry for stuff that they'd done/said than an insensitive oaf who simply didn't care!

 

[Jack D]

I understand how you're afraid of that, but you have to break this cycle you're in. the longer you stay in there, the harder it will become to get out there. I know change can be painful, but it never is as painful as being stuck somewhere you don't want to be.

Well thats the thing... ive been in this cycle so many times before. As soon as I make up with people, I seem to sink right back into the same routine of cutting them off again. So recently ive just been keeping myself isolated for many months now, not wanting to start up the same problem again.

 

[Jack D]

Hi Jack could you maybe just start with one person and see how that goes? Choose the person you think will be most receptive to you reaching out, and then maybe they can help you build bridges with others.
Don't put yourself under a the pressure of trying to fix everything at once.

At least you can recognise your patterns of behaviour.
One step at a time and you'll be able to break the cycle.

Good luck, keep posting

I plan to try and talk to the "easiest" people who are closest, and explain my situation first and see what they make of it. I am still scared of their reaction and of falling victim to my own flaws again though. But i suppose youre right about not putting everything right at once, I always seem to want to do that.

 

[Jack D]

I wonder if the first person you need forgiveness from is yourself? It sounds odd, but I don't think you can expect forgiveness from others until you've found a way to accept and forgive yourself.
I think youre being harsh on yourself you do know what's good for you, you don't come across as being stupid and being sensitive isn't a bad thing, it just means you hurt more easily than some. I would rather know a sensitive person who was sorry for stuff that they'd done/said than an insensitive oaf who simply didn't care!

To be honest, I feel like the only way i can forgive myself is by getting other people to forgive me first. Ive always had this low self-esteem of myself, and being partially autistic does not help in the matter. Im very self-critical and rarely give myself praise for anything

 

[Baicha]

Then, perhaps, learning to praise yourself more could be something to work on with your 'professionals' that and finding ways of raising your self esteem? Doesn't have to be big stuff, even posting a reply on here is praise worthy! I agree being partially autistic must bring it's own set of struggles on its own, but .... You're here, you're making a huge effort to try and get better in spite of all of it - Praise worthy again! Oh and as to self esteem, regardless of how you feel or where your struggles lay - you are a unique individual with your own perspective which no one else has and that makes you very special in this world

 

[Jack D]

Then, perhaps, learning to praise yourself more could be something to work on with your 'professionals' that and finding ways of raising your self esteem? Doesn't have to be big stuff, even posting a reply on here is praise worthy! I agree being partially autistic must bring it's own set of struggles on its own, but .... You're here, you're making a huge effort to try and get better in spite of all of it - Praise worthy again! Oh and as to self esteem, regardless of how you feel or where your struggles lay - you are a unique individual with your own perspective which no one else has and that makes you very special in this world

I feel we have very different perspectives in terms of self-esteem and praise. Where people would see that being on here and making an effort is commendable, I don't, I guess thats just my nature. If something can be done by anybody here, I think "So what? Anybody could have done it". The real thing that would kick me back up were if I was to do something completely unique, which nobody else has managed to do, which in this world is pretty impossible to achieve.