I know why I'm feeling so bad

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by trux, Apr 1, 2008.

  1. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    I knew this was one of the reasons, but I didn't realize this is the one and only reason.
    I've already told about my numerous problems, and about that girl who isn't like she used to be with me anymore. Well, looks like I'm feeling so bad because of her, only because of her, even though I have a crappy life from every single point of view. I guess I've kinda gotten used to those problems I'm gonna be sticking with my whole life, but this is the first time I'm dealing with that one.

    This morning, we ended up not talking and avoiding each other for stupid reasons. I thought that it was over between us (we're not together and never will, I love her and she doesn't, it's just we used to spend a lot of time with each other), and that she was really hating me now.
    If nothing had happened I would have killed myself today, I swear. I had never felt so bad in my whole life, even though I've already felt horribly bad.
    I waited for her, "a last try" I thought, and I asked her "what did i do?", almost crying. And there she smiled at me, the exact same smile that she used to have when things were going so great between us two. We talked during 30 secs or something, both apologizing, and that smile never left her face. You can't imagine how good and reassured I felt after that. And that's when I realized she has the power of making me the saddest person in the world, aswell as one of the happiest. Except she doesn't know it.

    Now I'm wondering what's gonna happen next. Because sometimes soon, could be as early as next July, I will probably be seeing her for the last time as we will both go different ways. I don't see how I could be able to cope with it. I guess I won't.

    At least I know that even though everything is so wrong about me, there are moments when I forget about all of my problems, no matter how unbearable they are. This girl is the best thing that has ever happened in my life, but at the same time it is also the worst...
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    well it does look like love, why dont you tell her? or at least tell her you feel so attached to her than to anyone else and how sad you`ll be when she leaves

    just to not to ask yourself what if..? when its too late
  3. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    There is no way I'm gonna tell her that I love her. She told me once about a guy who said to her that he couldn't be friend with her because he loves her too much...well she hasn't spoken to him since that day
    But I might tell her how much I care for her one day, I'm just not planning on doing that anytime though. It will depend on the moment, if I feel like it.

    Anyway I'm glad to say that I'm feeling much happier today. In my previous post I said that she was the reason why I was feeling so bad, but this morning and some thinking have proven me wrong. The real problem is I, me, myself. I'm always saying how everyone don't see me how I really am, how they are so mean to me and how I'm so different. Well, even though many are real assholes, I'm the only one to blame.

    Today had started like any other day, still the same odd contacts with everyone, the same feeling that I'm just not supposed to be here. The day was even getting quite horrible, but suddenly something changed inside me, for no specific reason. I was actually being sure of myself, confident, although I can't explain how or why that happened. The thing is, I noticed straight away that I was able to speak easily to several people, especially to that girl, without feeling like some kind of alien. I'm not saying that this was heaven either, but everything was going much more smoothly, I didn't have this fear of being rejected every time I open my mouth, I had no apprehension, and I guess that helped people to come talking to me. Especially her, once again, when this happened this morning she became suddenly different towards me than an hour earlier, I felt she wasn't bored, bothered or irritated anymore.

    The problem is this isn't going to last long, I guess I'm even back to my usual state now. I wish I knew how to be this way all the time, but I'm always thinking too much about how the world perceive me, and that leads me to having terrible social relationships. Everything will be back to "normal" tomorrow, unfortunately...

    And as I've already said, all of my other problems are still there. But I know I'm able to cope with them or even to forget about them when things are going great between people and me. I'm probably not talking for everyone here, but I feel like we can cope with almost everything when we feel appreciated by people we care about. At least that's the case for me.

    ps : expect me to post another message in a few days saying how horrible my life is and how much pain I'm going through :dry:
  4. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    And today is that day...