I Know You're All Sick Of Me, But...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ~Nobody~, Apr 15, 2007.

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  1. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    ... I'm going to post this thread anyway.

    I started posting in the Honesty Thread but it got too long and I didn't want to hog it.

    ______________________________________________


    I have a boyfriend who says he loves me, a mother who usually says she loves me, extended family around the place, and a scattering of friends. But I feel completely alone. Even here, on SF.

    I feel like I have no way out of the mess that is my life other than suicide. Today is a low day, and things are only going to get worse. I want to reverse the last three and a half years, or at least the last year or so so that things could remain buried. Hell, while we're at it just reverse my life entirely. I never asked to be born. And in fact no one asked for me to be conceived. I shouldn't have happened. I wish I hadn't happened.

    I would love to just get on with things, and dedicate my life to helping others, but I am just too much of a mess inside. I'm never going to be able to cope properly. Which means I have no right to be in a relationship, raise children, have friends, or expect to be able to help anyone else. Why should anyone listen to me? I'm a screw up.

    I want to feel happy. I want to feel truly loved. I want to stop pretending. I want someone to hold me, and make everything okay, make all the bad things disappear. I just want to feel like someone REALLY understands and REALLY cares. But failing that, I want to cut, burn, finish this bottle of wine and then open another. And I want to die. There's no other way.

    Just need to get things straightened out.
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I am in a bad head space right now, but I want you to know that I read and I care and if I can, will give a hopefully decent reply at a later date.

    Hang in there honey
     
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm not sick of you, "nobody"!

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  4. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    That's okay, I'm just so grateful that one out of 15 (and counting) viewers wrote something :sad:.

    There's no pressure, you don't need to write anything else.

    No one does really, I'm beyond help aren't I.

    Don't post again tonight S or I will feel even more self-loathing than I already do. I'm really sorry you're in a bad head spece. I hope you feel better soon.

    *returns to the wine*
     
  5. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks Ish.

    :hug:

    I wish I felt something good. :cry:

    I am fucking worthless.

    Everyone just forget it. Forget me.

    Forget the thread.

    I don't need people replying 'cause they feel guilty if they don't. I have that all the time and everyone who isn't a dick to me is like that in real life.

    Everyone hates me. Or at least just pities me.

    What kind of life is this?!!
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Noddy :sad:

    Please stop drinking hun, the wine will make you even more depressed.
    What happened in the last 3 years that you want to wipe out so much?
     
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    And you're not beyond help! Nobody is. and with nobody I don't mean you (seeing your username) but I mean that no person is, no creature even.

    If you want to talk, my MSN is in my profile. I may not always have the best advice, but the least I can do i offer a listening ear, which I'd gladly do.

    :arms: :arms:

    Ester x
     
  8. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I don't think I can BE even more depressed.

    Dramatic? Yes. A lie? No.

    All I have to cope at all is wine. And razor blades. That's IT! :cry:

    The last three years? Too fucking much. Much too fucking much :cry:. And more than I've ever told anyone!!! I am a dirty fucking slut and no amount of "therapy" can ever make that okay. And no-one will ever truly get what I'm feeling these last months. No-one.

    I'm sure my therapist thinks I'm wasting her time.

    My mum hit the nail on the head. I am attentiuon seeking and I want to be ill. Fuck it.
     
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :hug: Nothing is unforgivable hun NOTHING!!!
     
  10. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    How about what he did to me then then?

    I have this friend who is actually a parent of a friend, who forgave her abuser because she found god and it was the only way for her to move on and blah blah blah. I WOULD LOVE THAT!! WHERE THE FUCK IS GOD FOR ME??? I want to scream that at her but I can't, I'm just too damn nice and composed. I am the girl that never cries. In front of people.

    I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it!!

    Why can't I shut my head off?!?!?!

    WHY?????
     
  11. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Ish, with regards to the PM, I love you :hug:. And I would love to 'talk to you' but as you can see I am far from composed right now. Also I know all too well that the last thing you need is me putting more weight on your shoulders. Especially when you don't even know me that well. I suck.

    I am a fuck up people. Face it.

    I'm a fuck up among fuck ups, even! Why do you think I have this many posts and so on and so on, but still not that little group of real friends on here like a lot of you do.

    I have tried.

    And I have failed.

    At life, everything. I don't even know why I am posting. There's no point, is there.
     
  12. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    you're not a fuck up and you dont suck. I sent you that PM because I WANT to be there for you, I WANT to get to know you better and I CARE for you! :hug:

    now stop talking nonsense about putting weight on my shoulders, cos that's bs.
    :arms:

    Please let me be there for you :hug: :hug:
     
  13. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I appreciate the sentiment.

    Truly.

    :hug:

    But it's not true. You are all sick of me and anyway I hardly should be getting close to anyone now should I. That's just cruel of me.

    Also my laptop is too fucked at the moment to run MSN, anyway.

    This bottle's through. I'm going to find another.
     
  14. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Noddy not saying u have to forgive hun :sad: You can only forgive when you're ready..and you dont forgive for them, you forgive for YOU!!!
     
  15. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I know Terry. That's what she said, it set HER free to forgive HIM.

    Well I can't. But the point is that I damn well can't forgive ME either.

    I am nobody. Nothing.
     
  16. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You are Noddy and you are SOMEBODY :hug:
     
  17. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    If I am somebody then I have to be something and none of the possible options people have suggested to me are good ones.

    I am a liar, I am selfish, I am unwanted, I am lazy, I am miserable, I am good-for-nothing ("well, except..."), I am self-absorbed, I am pathetic, I am a faker, I am a slut, I am a slag, I am his, I am a cocktease - amongst other things.

    And just to add to that I am a lunatic, I am basically an alcoholic, I am a self harmer, I am a victim, I am weak.

    Oh and I am crying. A lot.

    And I am going to cut myself up now. External damage is superficial, really.

    Yeah, I'm Somebody.
     
  18. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Blood.

    Helps.

    Usually.

    I'm not feeling any better.

    118 views, wow... :dry:
     
  19. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    The views is absolutely no guide at all, I have seen a post with 9 replies, and no views, figure that one out. It is just a number and doesn't mean anything.

    At least you have people reaching out and wanting to help you honey. People showing that they care.

    Have you tried calling crisis lines or anything?
     
  20. crzykidshanana

    crzykidshanana Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you're not meant to shut your head off.

    Perhaps this is God's way of teaching you to find faith in yourself?

    You have to break, shake, n' make yourself in order to grow in this world.

    Just breathe...
     
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