... I'm going to post this thread anyway. I started posting in the Honesty Thread but it got too long and I didn't want to hog it. ______________________________________________ I have a boyfriend who says he loves me, a mother who usually says she loves me, extended family around the place, and a scattering of friends. But I feel completely alone. Even here, on SF. I feel like I have no way out of the mess that is my life other than suicide. Today is a low day, and things are only going to get worse. I want to reverse the last three and a half years, or at least the last year or so so that things could remain buried. Hell, while we're at it just reverse my life entirely. I never asked to be born. And in fact no one asked for me to be conceived. I shouldn't have happened. I wish I hadn't happened. I would love to just get on with things, and dedicate my life to helping others, but I am just too much of a mess inside. I'm never going to be able to cope properly. Which means I have no right to be in a relationship, raise children, have friends, or expect to be able to help anyone else. Why should anyone listen to me? I'm a screw up. I want to feel happy. I want to feel truly loved. I want to stop pretending. I want someone to hold me, and make everything okay, make all the bad things disappear. I just want to feel like someone REALLY understands and REALLY cares. But failing that, I want to cut, burn, finish this bottle of wine and then open another. And I want to die. There's no other way. Just need to get things straightened out.