i let her destroy me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~PinkElephants~, Apr 4, 2007.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    So, just got off the phone with my mom. Decided to go up and take a shower, instead the phone rings. It's HER, i love her so much yet hate her for so much that she has done to me. Her constant disregard for my feelings, her constant alcoholism and not wanting to admit she has a problem and her constant need to be so vindictive. I got a call and she started in on me right away..asking if i managed to get off my ass and get a car or a better job. Asked me if i managed to lose some weight yet b/c last time she saw me i was getting fatter. Not that I'm any of her business anymore. The funny thing is she has no car, hasnt in years and only has a minimum wage job. Her new boyfriend pays for everything and puts a roof over her head. She wants to berate me for everything about my life, maybe because she hates herself so much so she takes it out on me or maybe because she really hates me.

    I wouldn't blame her for hating me, I'm hate worthy you know...everything about me is hateful and disgusting. I'm tainted and bruised and empty. I have been for years, I haven't felt truly whole in years because everytime i get the slightest bit happy she seems to call and ruin that. Did you know one year at xmas time, my brothers and i went to her house, she got smashed and when my brothers and i got into a little fight, she went off on a bender. I went to apologize and hug her and she PUSHED me away..pushed me away like i was nothing..like a hug from me would poison her oh so fuckin perfect self. Fuck that, her faults have been taken out on me for years..her issues have been taken out on me. I'm so sick of this shit. Why did she even have me?? I knew i was a mistake but why did she have to make it so blatantly clear that I was...it hurts so much...but you know in retrospect I'll make her nice and proud..i'll make every knick and cut and dedicate it to her, dedicate each one to a moment in life where she destroyed me. I hope she's proud for creating such a failure.

    Upon hanging up with her, bursting into tears, she told me to grow a back bone and stop crying. She told me that when I did that than Id truly see what life was life. Yeah...maybe I don't want to know what life is anymore.​
     
  2. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    :sad: :hug:

    I'm sorry, Kelly. You don't deserve all of that. You don't deserve any of that.

    Here if you need me.

    <3 ya Kels.
     
  3. Diseased88

    Diseased88 Active Member

    have you talked to your brother about her? you could sign her into a hospital that treats alcoholism
     
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    my brothers live their own lives, theyll say it's none of their business and let her live her life. It's not even about the alcohol..its about how shes made me feel. if she wants to kill her liver so be it.
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Kells it is a sad fact of life that sometimes we have to accept we will never have the mother we want or deserve:sad:
    She is missing out on having a wonderful caring daughter and you are spot on with the insight that she takes out her own misery and failures on you:mad:
    As hard as it is to do, perhaps it would be better to have nothing more to do with her.
    We all love and care for you hun....she is soooo wrong.:hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Terry

    I know people think im this sweet special person, part of me believes that is true but the other half eats away at that positivity. I feel nothing a lot of the time lately, nothing but hatred towards myself. I let myself get sucked up inmto all the negative emotions and the positive ones just fade away....its sad but its true.
     
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    If a child is constantly told they are not good enough, thin enough, measuring up to others etc.. eventually you have an unhappy and self despising adult.
    Undoing the negative reinforcements of childhood can be an uphill struggle but it can be done.
    I've spent my entire life struggling with a childhood that made me feel unimportant and to blame for everything. You can change it Kells, I've done it (up to a point) believe the positive, keep the positive remarks at the front of you so that everytime a negative pops in you can offset it with a positive.
    Not saying it always works, have had some back sliding to 'mea culpae' meself from thoughtless and hurtful remarks made here, but in the main I don't let the "bastards" grind me down. :smile:

    footnote:
    before anyone goes off into one about the "bastards" remark it is a generalisation that we brits use to mean any nebulous person that might come our way who is aggressive and negative towards us. It is not aimed at anyone.
     
  8. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :laugh:

    You gotta love us Brits!
     
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :biggrin:
     
  10. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i hate when threads get hijacked and the point gets off topic especially when it's a serious post. But hey right like i said my thoughts and feelings are invalid so don't mind me..im just bitching and ranting per usual.
     
  11. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i feel lost right now, lost and empty. I'm sitting here in my bed wondering why I'm still breathing. I don't want to breathe anymore...i want this all to end. I want the feeling of hate to dissipate sooo much. Only I can make the pain go away...only i can make the hurt disappear...and i will and no one will know when.
     
  12. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    So sorry hun :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  13. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    nothing will ever change with me. people want me to get better but waht if i dont want to?? what if i want to stay this way? what if her words are teh final breaking point. I tried last night to say goodbye to people, to push myself just to do it. i got 5 pills down and i stopped...id ont know if i was scared or if i didnt want my dad to find me like this...but i stopped. i regret stopping now that im awake..iregret not finishing waht i started..but i figure if i keep popping these pills at th rate i am ill kill my liver and itll be over anyways.