So, just got off the phone with my mom. Decided to go up and take a shower, instead the phone rings. It's HER, i love her so much yet hate her for so much that she has done to me. Her constant disregard for my feelings, her constant alcoholism and not wanting to admit she has a problem and her constant need to be so vindictive. I got a call and she started in on me right away..asking if i managed to get off my ass and get a car or a better job. Asked me if i managed to lose some weight yet b/c last time she saw me i was getting fatter. Not that I'm any of her business anymore. The funny thing is she has no car, hasnt in years and only has a minimum wage job. Her new boyfriend pays for everything and puts a roof over her head. She wants to berate me for everything about my life, maybe because she hates herself so much so she takes it out on me or maybe because she really hates me. I wouldn't blame her for hating me, I'm hate worthy you know...everything about me is hateful and disgusting. I'm tainted and bruised and empty. I have been for years, I haven't felt truly whole in years because everytime i get the slightest bit happy she seems to call and ruin that. Did you know one year at xmas time, my brothers and i went to her house, she got smashed and when my brothers and i got into a little fight, she went off on a bender. I went to apologize and hug her and she PUSHED me away..pushed me away like i was nothing..like a hug from me would poison her oh so fuckin perfect self. Fuck that, her faults have been taken out on me for years..her issues have been taken out on me. I'm so sick of this shit. Why did she even have me?? I knew i was a mistake but why did she have to make it so blatantly clear that I was...it hurts so much...but you know in retrospect I'll make her nice and proud..i'll make every knick and cut and dedicate it to her, dedicate each one to a moment in life where she destroyed me. I hope she's proud for creating such a failure. Upon hanging up with her, bursting into tears, she told me to grow a back bone and stop crying. She told me that when I did that than Id truly see what life was life. Yeah...maybe I don't want to know what life is anymore.