I like who I am but I dont like who they think I am

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Hache, Oct 8, 2009.

  1. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    This is about the way my friends percieve me

    I like who I am, but I dont like who they think I am, but is who they think I am who I am because that is what I am coming across as?

  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    How do your friends perceive you?
  3. Seano

    Seano Well-Known Member

    That sounds a lot like the way I see things here at the moment, and the longer these tough times have gone on, the more it seems that the disbelief and consequent behind-my-back ridicule from friends and family intensifies. Seano's crazy seems about the general consensus, but that's perhaps because they all watch a lot more tv than I do. I only switch on for a few minutes on Saturday nights to check the lotto results otherwise the commercial news sickens me with the fantasies they broadcast.

    I remember back to civilised times here, just as the civilised places I foolishly left behind a few years back, and can only suggest for you and I both that a change of scenery aka a 'geographical' can overcome these things, providing you're careful what baggage you pack up in a suitcase and take with you.
  4. Mathale

    Mathale Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean mate.....

    You need not to worry. We all have many 'masks' that we show and put on when in different social situations. Take for instance being infront of a boss or head teacher compared to your best friend. There will be different behaviours, different levels of conversation, moods, openness etc. We all do it depending on who we are talking to... and unfortunately because everyone see's us in a different light, no one can ever depict our true personality traits. They all see 'part' of you, but not all of you.

    Im quite open with my close friends - the things i talk about etc - and yeah they see me as a sexual deviant with an amusing attitude regarding the bedroom.. but deep down im more sensitive than that, caring and loveable. ( not blowing my own trumpet - but thats how I see MYSELF... ) It all boils down to what you show them - and sometimes its easier to play up to a certain stereotyped character - even though you feel your being your self. And weirdly enough... if you act a certain way without being false.. then consider.. that could be who you are... but its not the full picture! :)

    How do they see you in comparison to what you feel?

    Come back to us, this is an interesting discussion! because i think everyone is in the same boat of different perceptions! :)
  5. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    They see me as this sad (not in the unhappy way, the loser way), weak (in the he's not a man way), doesnt want to go out (which is not true), shy (but the reality is I have nothing to say), I think they think I want to be alone (maybe depression makes me recluse)

    and lots of other little things. By the way these are just the negative things so dont start saying they are crap friends.

    The thing is if I try and change something, or do something which I want and think maybe is me, their first reaction is to laugh at me.
  6. Mathale

    Mathale Well-Known Member

    Is that what they have told you face to face? Or is it that they just dont expect much from you when it comes to the group contribution. You are part of the group but feel like an outsider?

    They probably think they know you too well.. and probably have the idea that you wont change. Let them laugh.. but just prove them wrong. Make a change and see what they say in turn.
  7. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    It is what I've picked up from the things they say, obviously they never said anything as direct as I put it.

    It should probably be noted I am male and they are all female lol.

    I dont have a best friend or girlfriend so I am alone a lot. When it comes to little activities, like popping out, doing something together in the boring day or night they go in two's, they are split into obvious 2s. When it comes to the group coming together as 1 that is mainly about going out socially, which is when it often becomes a girly event, me being outsider again.

    Anyway back to the start, what they expect of me is not who I want to be, it is perhaps who they have made me. Then again it's all my own doing.

    I don't really know how to break the mold. The answers appear obvious and easy but they are not so, well at least not for me, not going it alone.
  8. Mathale

    Mathale Well-Known Member

    aaaa ok. Do you have male mates too? or just mainly a female group.

    yeah best friends do fill the lonely gap. But you can never pick them, they just form over time. They are those who you just can be more open to knowing that they wont judge you for who you are.

    Its weird, you sound sociable and around comfortable around women. I suppose they are your friends rather than a potential partner, so its easier to talk to them. But at least you do. Its never about picking new friends or hanging out with the 'lads' though. Breaking the mould wont be easy either. personality traits arent something you can change, but peoples perception of you is. Just do what you need to do. I would take a bold approach to it all. and just do it! :D
  9. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Get some guy friends. When a guy isn't comfortable being around other guys, it's a sign that he isn't comfortable with himself. It's great that you have some girl friends and that they're honest enough to imply that your social skills suck. The thing about social skills and gaining confidence is that you have to go out and put yourself in situations you aren't comfortable in, until you are comfortable in them. It's hard, honestly there's just no other way to put it, it is hard. You're probably going to embarrass yourself once or twice, your friends probably will laugh at you at first. But if you keep at it you will actually start to change.

    You're not alone, everybody had to go through the same thing at some point in their lives. The only difference is that some people started being social on the first day of kindergarten or some other early stage and they never had to deal with the awkwardness that you do. You're just as capable as every other person of being witty, funny and always knowing just what to say. But it takes work, and embarrassment, and screw ups. But I'm pretty sure you agree the payoff is more than worth it.
  10. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I have males I talk to occassionally at university, outside of that, no, well at home I have one, but I lost all my other friends there.

    I think what also needs to be added is the way THEY make me feel. A lot of the things they talk about makes me feel lonely and inadaquate, a lot of the things they do triggers my suicidle feelings. It would be the same no matter who the people are, but I am just not getting anywhere near achieving the social and love life, love most importantly, closeness and intimacy, that will make me feel comfortable.

    Thanks Reki, you are probably right but I dont know where to start. Part of me doesn't even want to start.
  11. Mathale

    Mathale Well-Known Member

    aaa sorry to hear that. Uni is a good social place though, but depends on uni and social life etc and course! i was in a course of 15 and was the only guy lol!

    Are they aware of the things they are saying which trigger it off? Is it silly things like 'what they expect in a man' etc? I know what you mean. I crave the closeness and intimate feeling. Just the ability to share my life with someone - to wake up cuddling someone - kiss on the cheek - a laughter - a smile etc. Try not seeking it though. Its a patient game, but can feel lonley and painful at times. x
  12. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    No they do not know, it is best kept that way as well. It is things like bragging about sexual encounters, stating preferences, what they did, what some guy did, or someone will come on the tv and they will start drooling and saying how hot he is, we'll be out in a club and I will be ignored by some as they try and get with someone, having to watch them get off with someone. They are responding to the end of a serious relationship by kissing, or even going further with multiple people, answering their insecurities before the next time they want to stop having "fun" and find someone relationship worthy.

    This is only triggering because of my own personal lack of intimacy.

    I've not been trying to find it though, I havent been up to girls trying it on, I dont flirt, I dont even think I can. When we're out in a club I have noticed that guys start surrounding them, circling them, and basically they get to pick and choose whichever one they want. But it's not like I'd want to meet someone in a club anyway, it is hardly the place to start a strong relationship from, just makes someone look like a slag, it would be nice to have some attention though, maybe it could lead somewhere. Meeting someone at a party, before we go out, meeting a friend of a friend, that is how it is done, but I do not get to meet people that way, not very often, when I do they are taken.

    I am one of those losers who blames how crap his life is on the situation he is, instead of making the situation. That's not going to change though.